Throughout this last year, I experienced some adversities with certain friends with regards to the matter of true loyalty and what it really means. This has been a long time in coming and I am glad to finally be ready to talk to you about this. In the past several months I have been going through a lot of various changes in my life: stress, difficulties, learning who to trust, as well as who I can count on and who not. These times I am thankful for. As bizarre as that may sound to some of you, the reason for this (and why I have reached this way of positive thinking) is that I have come to learn that these trials help us grow, strengthen, learn new truths, including showing us who is truly faithful and dependable in our lives. And so, either by our own choice or theirs – or that of what is fated to be – the wrong people are cut out of our lives, freeing us and making room for us to focus on the right people.
In
light of all that’s happened over the past year, it is good that this post has been delayed, for
all which has transpired has brought to me to deeper realisations on this subject. I have seen over the
years that a large number of people live with a false sense of, or lack of, loyalties
to their friends and families without really understanding what it is to be
truly so. After studying this and experiencing it in my life, I found that true loyalty can be broken down
into these primary qualities…
1. Loyalty has
integrity
Firstly and most importantly, a true loyal person
will have integrity also. What is integrity really? The dictionary describes
it as: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character,
wholeness, the quality of being honest and fair, undiminished and preserving of
others around us. True loyalty is not mindless obedience. By being loyal, we aren't
diminished to being someone’s servant, saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to
everything they say, do, think or feel without questioning that person’s
decisions or actions. This is what is known as “blind loyalty” where the person
in question acts like a mindless slave obeying and agreeing to everything the
other person they believe they are ‘loyal’ to, says or does. We are all worth
much more than that! We are to
act in the best interests of others. We need to preserve their lives,
their morals, their souls. If someone is making the wrong decisions or treating
another badly, then we are no better going along with it. Instead, we need to
be accountable to each other to make sure neither of us steps off in the wrong direction. It is not always going to be
that we agree with everything they say and do. People with integrity care for
themselves and others completely, they uphold good character and morals – and
do not condone any bad behaviour or nastiness of any kind.
2. Loyalty contains
honesty
There is a quote by famous author Spencer Johnson who
wrote, amongst other books, ‘Who Moved My Cheese?” He says, “Integrity is
telling myself the truth, honesty is telling the truth to other people.” How
profoundly true this is! Secondly after integrity, honesty is just as
imperative when it comes to truly being loyal. One needs to be trustworthy, and this
can only be earned by being truthful. A loyal person will share their honest
opinion (even if it’s not always what you want to hear). They are also one who is not two-faced,
someone who is real, down-to-earth, has good morals and values. Dishonesty includes
talking behind others’ backs – something I have had to deal with this last year
which was one of the big things
that sparked off this whole
topic. What I have learned is if someone talks nasty about someone else to you
behind their back, then the chances are almost assuredly that they’ll talk
about you when you’re not around. A loyal person will be respectful of you away
from your presence and uphold the truth instead of being quiet. They will
defend your honour. They will say no to the opportunity to spread gossip or to even
entertain it, because this kind of behaviour does not show true unconditional
love or respect for those being spoken about.
3. Loyalty is
respectful
To be truthful and full of integrity, also means we are
respectful to others because we genuinely care for and are protective of them. Various
negative emotions can get in the way of loyalty, such as: pride, stubbornness,
jealousy, envy, anger, bitterness, hate, unforgiveness, grudges, etc. When looking
up the meanings of what respect really is, I found these fitting descriptions:
- Due regard for the feelings, wishes or rights of
others.
- Admire someone or something deeply, as a result of
their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
- Show consideration to someone, thoughtfulness,
attentiveness, politeness, courtesy, civility, appreciative for others, holding them in good esteem,
cherishing and valuing them.
So,
in other words, respect is for anyone you know and care about. It
is not just respect for your elders, teachers, mentors, bosses, or anyone who
has done something exceptional for you but for all people you care about and
love. Respect would cover everything that is important to others: their lives,
homes, everything they have
worked hard for, talents, passions, honour, reputation as well as their
decisions and choices.
4. Loyalty
contains dedication
When it comes to our working life, I think we all know
that this point is very true. However, I have found in any type of relationship,
there needs to be some measure of dedication to the people we care about that motivates our loyalty to them. One cannot be
loyal to something or someone they do not care about. After all, a loyal person
is one who is there always, wherever
and whenever they can. Amongst my closest friends, I have come to learn
that the truly loyal ones are there when I need them – no excuses, no broken
promises, no lies, and certainly no running after them on my part. These people
show their dedication by reaching out to others, they care enough to pay
attention to you and your life. Even if they cannot be there physically, their
dedication will show in their effort to keep contact and show concern for you. They
take action when they know you need assistance, cheering up, or just a little
reminder to stay on track. It is in staying faithful to others in the face of
adversity and hardship and not just when it is convenient for you. This
dedication has nothing to do with taking sides, true friends and people do not
do this.
5. Loyalty means
having your priorities right
When our priorities are in the wrong order and on the
things which are unhealthy for us or the ones we care about, our loyalty is
either not one hundred percent or non-existent. It is as simple as that. For
example; by focusing on other people, activities or interests instead of
sticking by our friends, family or partners when you should be there through
something they are battling, it basically means we are either not there
wholeheartedly or at all. Our priorities should be in the right place. Yes, we
should be thinking of us too and the things we love doing, but we also have
certain people in our lives to whom we pledge allegiance, and to have
successful relationships with them, we should remember they may need us from
time to time. Just as in the same way we depend on and need them too at times.
6. Loyalty is
selfless action, thought and deed
We already looked at and have seen that true loyalty is
shown to those we care about. Ultimately for anyone who is important to us
means that we are there for them selflessly, watching their back under any
circumstances, is there always ready to help where we can. One who shares the
same moral principles and genuinely shows (not just speaks) thoughtfulness,
courtesy, and attentiveness to your life and who you are as a person. These
type of people are there for you through everything, and not when it suits them
– they will be present in the friendship / relationship always, someone to be
counted on to help out if the need arises, even if in the smallest way. There
will be no need for motivation or begging to help, the subtle yet clear
indication will be there that their motives and feelings are sincere,
considerate, compassionate and true. Loyal people are supportive for no other
reason than that they care and normally practice random acts of kindness which will
prove their words are not just words, but mean what they say and feel.
7. Loyalty means
being dependable and trustworthy
A friend or person who is never really there, is not
someone we can depend on. Now I am not talking about the times when this person
has other plans because we all have our own lives. What this means is that they
are there for us however they can, whenever they can. To want someone to be
there all the time when we want, is a rather selfish idea to contain and is not
true loyalty from our side, nor theirs. Like I mentioned earlier, it is not
blind or mindless obedience but a dependable person who can be there to offer
support, advice, a listening ear or just to be there for whatever it is we need.
And vice versa. In other words: accountable. Whether we are going
through a rough patch or not, it is not always about us – we need to have
regard and consideration for the other person too, because each of us is
battling with something different that life has brought our way. Being loyally
dependable and trustworthy includes keeping a strict hold on our tongues, keeping
our word / promises, and saying what we mean – to and behind people’s backs. Added
to this, not gossiping or saying any nasty thing behind someone’s back, passing
judgement, breaking commitments, or sharing any secrets or personal information
or stories to others without their consent. As positive beings, we need to make
sure our tongues are used for good and not evil. We should be builders, not murderers
(murder / killing does not just have to do with the physical realm).
8. Loyalty is
sincere, supportive, accepting
At the very core of true loyalty, is acceptance, always
being supportive and sincerity to those you care about. A truly loyal person
will be loyal because they want to, because they care, and perhaps also because
they truly love you. These people accept you as you are, never forsake you or
betray you and supports you through life. When it comes to this, it means real
support and care for your own well-being. So as I have said before it means not
accepting any wrongdoing nor following you like a slave, but standing up for good
and true morals while having your physical, mental and spiritual psyche all on
the top of their list of concerns. The best test of their loyalty is when you
are not capable of reaching out to them anymore, because of an issue or situation
you are going through, have moved away, become very sick, and so on – yet they
are still there, whether in person or in spirit. Loyal people can see through
this and stay available even when these stages in your life are over again, and
so are always available to you in good and hard times. He/she will be one who
is always in search for your happiness no matter what the situation is or
circumstances are. This is unwavering loyalty in action.
There are few heroes and heroines out there and I am
fortunate to have been blessed by some of them as close friends and family
members who have demonstrated that this vanishing trait is not completely dead.
Just because someone is a family member, neighbour or friend does not mean that
they will be loyal. Ideally, we wish that were true (and hopefully someday it
is), but for now loyalty must be earned. What is the main motivating factor
that makes a person loyal to another I have often wondered? The answer is
simple: unconditional love. That's something we could all use a lot more of.
Let’s try adopt these qualities in our lives where we are lacking and hopefully
our world will become a far better place.
