What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 5 - Love

Through the past several weeks, we have been looking at some of the significant points to build happy, successful relationships. Today we look at the final installment for the first part of this series, which looks at one of the most important traits we should ensure to nourish, primarily in all our personal relationships with our friends, family and partners. Quite appropriate too, with this falling on Christmas – a time to give and share love with all those people that mean so much to us. This is something we need to place a lot of focus on, because without love, our relationships are meaningless. Love needs to be our firm foundation!

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Love

I am sure most of you have heard the famous scripture on love: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, it never gives up, it never ends" (taken from the Christian Bible, 1 Corinthians 13). What I like about this scripture is that it teaches us the universal laws of love. It is an exact representation of how real, true love should exist in our lives. Anyone from all walks of life will read it and relate, no matter what age, gender, race or belief.

If we truly love someone, it will show not just in our words, but our actions as well. I cannot reiterate this enough. You will not doubt the love someone has for you if what they say and what they show you matches up. We will want the best for them, want for their happiness, want to share our lives and share experiences with them, and take a vested interest in them, including paying attention to details of their lives – their passions, loves, wants, and needs. Something that inspired me  taught to me by my mum, grandmother and certain friends, is that when you find someone like this who you find a happy place with, do not let them go because people like that are hard to find.

In many failed romantic relationships, we often hear of how one or both people “fall out of love” some time before the break-up, and this can cause a myriad of other problems along the way. Sure, the feelings of being in love can be carried through the relationship if you work at it enough and find ways to be happy (the trick is to be happy yourself first), but it will not necessarily stay the same. This is because relationships evolve and grow much deeper as the days go by, love grows as well as acceptance and the bonds of friendship shared. You start off with being in love, and eventually grow and come to love that person – a much more mature and surely meaningful sense of love. Also why you will find a break up of a relationship of a few weeks to a month is far easier to go through, than one of a few months to years on. The same philosophy would apply with friendships as well.

Once you really get to know one another, you get to learn a lot of other things about them, and some may not seem very lovable. The point is, will you be mature enough to learn to love them as they are, with all you have and completely? Or will you let the few minor things or your own judgements get in the way of what could be a truly rewarding relationship? Don’t fall into the trap of letting go of something potentially special because of minor things. None of us are perfect at the end of the day, and unless you are being shallow because you have your sights set on someone else because you are not willing to actually work at making it work, betrayed that person, or have cheated them, then you must at least try your best. Forgetting and losing sight of why we fell in love in the first place and all the things which attracted us to each other in the beginning (romantic relations), or the reasons why we became friends once upon a time should not happen – ever. Do not let the stresses in life, past issues or hurts, hang-ups with self, petty arguments, or assumptions of any kind get in the way because true love does not come around much in life, except maybe a couple of times, and decent people are truly difficult to come by these days.

I have said goodbye to a few people, some of their own accord, and I can definitely say I have never been happier. Any normal decent person will not destroy love, hope, faith or trust in others and it is always better to let them go, rather than be dragged down causing you untold misery and sadness. It does not matter who it is, if they are hurting you – let them go! You are worth much more than to have people in your life that don’t really love you and cause you grief. As hard as that may sound, we need to do this, because often God makes room for the right people by removing those who are wrong for you. It is all for your good at the end of the day, even if we cannot see it at the time. I have seen this happen with family, friends, partners, and business relationships in my lifetime already. Yet afterward I have seen how much better off we are when these toxic situations are purged from our lives. None of us deserve to suffer going through them.

Stay committed, stay faithful, loyal and true always. Focus on loving those you are gifted with. You have been blessed with them for a reason! If we fail to recognise and appreciate those special souls, guaranteed someone else will. But at what cost? We are accountable and responsible for any hurt we place on others, and the karma which comes back, is multiplied as well. So be careful to guard all those you have been blessed with, for their sake as well as your own. Each soul is precious, including your own. Remember that. 

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If we have all these key features in our relationships, we can weather the proverbial storms of life together and be safe and secure in the relationships we have built with those precious to us. Always hold on to love, it is one of the best things in life! A blessed gift which does not come around often. If there is something problematic interfering and holding you back, always work on resolving things first and repairing what you can instead of throwing it away.

Wishing you all a very blessed Christmas, it is a time all about sharing and showing how much you love. May you be truly happy all your days to come, surrounded by love and good people who are right for you. And so on that note, I am taking a moment to share love with you special people that mean so much to me and let you all know how you have enriched and added value to my life. You are all special and amazing in your own right, and all close to my heart always. Wishing you all a beautiful, exciting and amazing year ahead. Merry Christmas and have an awesome New Year! 

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 4 - Intimacy and Affection

This week which has passed has marked a one year anniversary of my blog. So much has happened, but yet I still ponder on where has the year gone? Just another example of what I always say: to take advantage of today while you can. Appreciate, value and love those you care about, before it is too late. You may, such as now, wipe your eyes and see the year has gone with no sense of time as if stepping through a time warp months into the future.

But, ask yourself something: what are you doing to improve your relationships with those you love, and are you making the days count? If not, what can you do to make things better between yourself and the beautiful souls you have been blessed with in your life right now? Are you making the most of them and spending as much time as you possibly can? Be careful if you have been neglecting or taking too much time focusing on the wrong things, wrong people and perhaps been a little too selfish with your time. In a second, they could be taken away from you - so make every moment of precious value.

Let us look at the next important aspect to nurture in our relationships, which we all need to give and receive - a generous measure of intimacy and affection to those around us. We are all human, and this is one very beneficial, vital and essential ingredient to healthy living for our souls and hearts...

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Intimacy and Affection

Contrary to what some believe, intimacy and affection is always crucial in a relationship (barring professional ones, in which case, this point is null and void... obviously). This should always be present in the beginning, for the duration, and right until the end of a relationship. The fire of passion for romantic relationships and the strong bonds of friendship should never wilt or even cease to exist. If there is lacking, then there is something seriously wrong, as my partner had wisely pointed out many times whilst observing romantic relationships. Also, it could signal something far more dangerous such as guilt on something that has happened unawares, some other underlying problem, interest in someone else, or even cheating - depending on the type of relationship. 

Be aware too, of being distant and be careful of the tone you use and manner in which you speak to those in your life you care for. Too easily we could let abrupt words slip by accident, thereby hurting and damaging someone's heart. Protect and watch out for each other at all times, while having the humility and decency to show you truly care by apologising and admitting to your own fault should the chance come by that you hurt someone unintentionally. I say unintentionally here, because normally this is the case. No normal person goes around hurting, neglecting and damaging the hearts of those they love. And if you do, something is very wrong, self evaluation urgently needed and necessary steps taken to rectify the situation. 

It is also awesome to have your own space, to have time to yourself. However, always keep in mind that you are in fact “building a relationship” with the other person (no matter whether it be family, friends, romantic, etc), so too much of this can also lead to problems down the line, doubts and fears to surface so find a good balance between the two. Lack of romance or romantic laziness as is also called, is also not an option in any romantic relationship - every single relation you have with those around you requires a measure of work and effort. Remember the analogy I used last time of it being a one-way street traveled by both people in the same direction supporting each other? When romance/intimacy/affection dies off, and you have to struggle and fight for it, then the relationship clearly needs reparation. Without these crucial elements, your relationship withers and dies. Keep in mind you should be nourishing the bonds with these people, building them up, getting to know them and contribute to their happiness by your care and support. Just as the body needs food and drink to survive and be sustained, so our souls, heart and minds need intimacy and affection for the same. 

Through the years, many psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and scientists have conducted experiments to show what impact affection has upon living things. Tests such as these have included animals, plants and even people. I have recently read about one such psychologist named Harry Harlow, as well as behaviorist John B. Watson who conducted such tests on humans. While many experts at the time denied the importance of love and affection, Harlow’s experiments offered irrefutable proof that love is vital for normal human development. Additional experiments by Harlow revealed the long-term devastation caused by deprivation, leading to profound psychological and emotional distress and even death. Yet Harlow's enduring legacy reinforced the importance of emotional support, affection, and love in the development of all people. The results they found with animals as well as even plants, all proved the same. 

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Hoping that you all have been inspired and found some valuable insight from this series so far, as well as all my posts this year. Next week we will be looking at the final part of the first half of this series, and after Christmas I will continue with the second half and the last five parts. Until then, enjoy the time with your loved ones you have been blessed with, treasure and appreciate them with all your heart - for today is all we are ever guaranteed of!