How to Survive a Break-up

If you know me and what has been happening in my life recently, you will know some of the relationship issues I have had to face for the last two years. Through all of the experiences I have had during this time and the years before, I learned a lot which have enlightened my heart and mind when it comes to love and life. Today I would like to share seven wise lessons I learnt to surviving breakups, in the hopes that they may assist with your own healing if you may be going through a similar situation, now or in the future…

Don’t blame yourself when you’re not at fault

Some of you who I know personally or have been following my blog since the beginning, may remember the unpleasant relationship I had got caught up in the year before last. I have spoken of it scarcely here, but my close friends and family will all know the story. It was a cutting situation which left me broken, emotionally wounded, and mentally scarred. The worst part of this was that as I started recovering I noted that I was beginning to blame myself for a lot of things. Eventually though, after hearing how worthless you are and being made to feel unwanted and unlovable, it is so easy to start believing it. Those of you who have not endured this will perhaps not understand what it is like, and I hope you never have to. Luckily my experience with this was short-lived. Coupled with the amazing support from my loved ones and me having learnt the lesson before in my life, I finally learnt once and for all that you should never blame yourself for the mistakes and indecency of other people. Everyone is to answer for their own shortcomings and if that person has hurt, betrayed, deceived or lied to you, then it is on them. There is no excuse for bad behaviour!

Forgiveness is crucial for your own well-being

It was a tough few months of recovery after that ordeal, followed by saying goodbye to a close friend, who I thought was true. At the time I was also working in an abusive unfriendly environment in the previous company I was employed by, then months later ended up in a relationship I did not want to be in in the beginning. I should have followed my intuition, and remained focused on where I wanted to be and who I wanted by my side, instead of ending up with someone who was like the majority of those out there. Yet, I gave it a chance as I was told it ‘would be different this time’. I believed it, but was so wrong. And so, I was hurt all over again. However, I made it through, learned to let go and became even wiser on the lesson of forgiveness. Holding on to unpleasant feelings or past hurts only entraps us in a prison full of grief, while the other person feels no effect. Forgiveness is all about you, and letting yourself free. Escape from feeling any negative thing, and be happy. There are so many things that one can be joyful about and so much we are blessed with, including all those people who still love you and who never do leave your side.

Guard your heart but guard it from turning to stone

Before my last very short-lived relationship and after breaking my friendship off with a false friend, I struggled for a while with this. One evening when chatting with a friend, a huge misunderstanding ended up with him getting hurt in the process by me snapping back. I quickly recognised that my heart had turned cold and hard as stone. Walls had been built around my heart to guard it and I wanted to make sure it could not be broken again. I wanted to be safe. I decided this would not do if it meant those I cared about were affected by this condition too; so I focused my attention on the correct people. I recovered through the love, strength, support and care they all poured out into my life… and healed. And then I met him. It seemed I had met the right person at last. After the first few weeks learning quickly of the things going on behind my back and hurtful things being said all over, I feared I may be thrown back to that place of despair again, ruining all my progress thus far in getting over past sufferings. Thankfully I did not, I was prepared this time and it became much easier to let go. Even if it was not me who let go first. It is too easy to allow our hearts not to care anymore and not worth it letting your personality become compromised just because some people selfishly hurt you. In the end they walk away without a conscience and you are the one who is left broken. Be strong, and keep your heart open to those beautiful souls you are blessed with.

Learn to let go, but don't lose the lesson

Although it may seem the end of the world when a breakup befalls you, you need to remember that as the bad or unnecessary is removed from your life, that it only makes room for wonderful things and new people to enter in. This also means you have to be more careful the next time and learn from what you went through. Remember, it is all for a reason. There is always a lesson to be learnt, even if we do not see it at first. Many times after a breakup, I found myself being my own enemy by tormenting myself with overthinking the situation, as well as letting the despair and sadness get to me. We have to let it go: anything that does not bring us happiness so that we can live free, happy lives. In the end, I managed to learn something useful. The trick is to let go and trust that all will be well, to focus on what is truly important in your life, and to stop worrying over things beyond your control. The reality is, you cannot control anything that comes your way, but we can chose how we react to it and what our attitudes are in response to what takes place. Although it is never good nor is it pleasant going through tough situations, if you can learn something, improve yourself and become stronger through it, then you can always turn a negative into something positive. Sometimes it just takes a little longer. If you keep an attitude of faith and positivity, you can’t go wrong.

Focus on those who never left

After I let go of the people who were causing me harm in my life, the realisation hit me Valentine’s Day last year. If you have not yet read my blog post on this, please do! This may be one of the most profound things I learned through all these difficult times. Finally learning that to help us through any break-up, the focus should not be on the one who left but rather on those who are still there. Of what help will it be fretting over those who don’t even bother about you, and so easily leave your side? Before you end up running after people who clearly do not care as much as you, remember the ones who do. They could so easily be taken from this life before you enjoy as much time as you want with them. I learned this a few years ago when a friend passed away after months of us continually postponing our time spent catching up – all because I was chasing people who don’t bother making an effort in my life. I regretted this for a very long time. Don’t let this be you. You are surrounded by those you love and who have always proven to be there for you, even though some leave. Through the support and strength they provide, you can get through any kind of heartache. That is what true friends and family are there for, we are not created nor meant to live through this life alone.

Spoil yourself, you deserve it

One of the simplest ways to be happy, is to cut out what is making you sad – anything that is bringing grief to your heart, mind and soul. Do yourself a favour by taking some time out for you, do the things you love and have a passion for. These will be all the things you really enjoy and that which truly brings you delight and satisfaction: your interests, hobbies, sports, etc. Not forgetting being around people who contribute to your happiness and share in your joy. Go shopping and do a little retail therapy, go out to lunch/dinner with friends, watch a movie or go somewhere in nature. For myself, I find writing or yoga works well, playing a computer game to get my mind off things, or putting my earphones in and listening to my favourite happy music – even dancing, it is good for the soul! Going to the beach or to a nature reserve (there are three close by to my apartment) I find quite relaxing, soothing and inspiring. It is good for the soul to surround yourself with peace and harmony, and anything that brings happiness to your soul. Treat yourself and let the healing begin!

Making wiser choices, focusing on your happiness

As the old proverb goes, “happiness starts with yourself”. But what does this mean? It means the decision to be happy starts within us – we alone are responsible. Other people, passions and things can contribute happiness into our lives, but we ultimately need to decide to be. It means choosing to be grateful for what and who you have in your life, not wanting more (there are many who have far less) or want for anyone else other than your partner you are destined to be with at that moment in time. It means enjoying my day in spite of what is happening around me, that I will enjoy this day because I am alive, I am free and blessed – despite my circumstances – and no matter what, I know who I am, what I want, and that there is a better plan for me (those of you who believe, like I do, that it is God's timing). Hold on to the things and people of value in your life, make sure you are not throwing anyone away for the ‘next best thing’ or because you are hurting too much and building walls to protect yourself. Take care of you, but don’t let harsh words come out of your mouth and hurt those you love. Take care of their hearts too! We cannot let ourselves stoop to the same level others treat us. We must not leave a trail of broken hearts behind … for which you will be responsible alone. Make sure you are happy first and over past hurts before moving on with your life.

Sometimes you need to let go. Yes, it hurts when the things or the people we love are taken from us and removed from our lives. Make your peace with the loss. Nothing lasts forever. Like the trees in autumn, you too must learn to shed your attachments and start afresh. Take heart because every situation, both good and bad, lines your path up with the right people you need to meet along the way. Some will teach you, some will guide you, some you need to be there for a time, others will be forever. Make wiser choices the next time you meet someone and be careful for not everyone you meet is your friend nor has your best interests at heart. It is rather better to get to know somebody first, and make sure you are vigilant of letting the right individuals into your life, perhaps the right soul into your heart. You never know, you may find you have known your soulmate all along!

Guidelines for Relationships

After recently going through a bad break up a few months ago, I have learnt a few more things about relationships which are so important to focus on. The fact is, we never truly stop learning until the day we die, but it is in embracing life and grabbing hold of every opportunity to learn from it, that we really begin to grow and move on in life. As the old saying goes, we cannot move on if we keep re-reading the last chapter of our lives.

I always believe in taking the positive from every situation, even if the circumstances one goes through may be dreadful; it is better to take what you can learn from what you went through than to focus on the negative. The other day I was busy reading an article on the net and came across this brilliantly written and inspiring piece by another blogger. I thought to myself, wow indeed, these rules are very true to remember when in a relationship – no matter if you are a guy or a girl – and some very good advice. A lot of which I live by, but some I needed to be reminded of!

The focus here also is that my mom is to be married tomorrow, and I have been remembering what she always taught us about love. As in the words of the verse found in 1 Corinthians 13, it teaches us what love is all about, and that love never fails! I am so grateful that she taught us this, as there is so much brokenness in this world and people who miss the point when it comes to loving someone. For if you truly love them, you will be prepared to make it work and never give up until the very end. Nothing should stand in your way, because love can overcome any obstacle. So let’s give it all, working at our relationships diligently.

And so, I wish you all the best, always in all your relationships. May they flourish and grow. May you find happiness with the one you love and want to make a life with. Time waits for no-one, so grab that opportunity now to let the one you love know how you feel about them, before it is too late. One never knows what tomorrow may bring, and lose out on what may have been the best time of your life.

Here it is, just something I thought I would share with you all…

Twelve Boyfriend Rules
1. Always pick him up from the airport. Don’t drive by and pick him up. Be there when he comes down the stairs. Anyone who’s seen Love Actually knows how important this is.
2. Sometimes leaving him alone for a bit is the best love you can give.
3. Even if he says he doesn’t like flowers. Give them anyway.
4. No matter how annoying…ALWAYS say good things about his family. Even if he doesn’t. At least for the first year.
5. Cooking him dinner is the best gift you can give. Anything that shows you worked your butt off just for him.
6. Sometimes you don’t need to give any advice. Don’t ever say “well you should have…”. Just listen, support him and say “it’ll be ok”.
7. If he says he doesn’t want help. He doesn’t. He probably wants to impress you. Let him.
8. When in an argument don’t bring other people’s opinions into it. “My Mom thinks…”, “Dana at work thinks…”. They only “think”. They don’t “know”. This is YOUR relationship. Only you two know the whole story. Others don’t.
9. Ask what you can do in bed that would make him crazy. Even if he says there’s nothing…he has something.
10. If he has a favorite movie. Even if you don’t like it. Watch it with him a couple of times, and keep your negative opinions to yourself.
11. Celebrate his birthday. No matter what he says.
12. On second thought cooking BREAKFAST is the best thing you can do for him.

Look Ahead - Not Backward!

I was sitting here at home just a moment ago, thinking back. Back on the year (and years before) gone by. Wow, so much has happened in just this year, let alone all the others before that. Incredible isn't it, when reminiscing as such, you realise how far you have come?

As we approach Christmas, and then New Year’s Eve after that, a lot of us will find ourselves looking upon our past year and what has led us up to what is right now. I admit; a lot of your and my choices I have made have ended up in disaster. But then I consider to myself, what of all the good choices we have made? As I mentioned the other day, everything happens for a reason! What is done is done. It is behind us, and so now we find ourselves upon the precipice of decision to move on: we are all the wiser, have added knowledge, are even stronger, and more mature. Hopefully, we have learnt from what we endured. If we haven’t, it is best to start now. What better time to do so anyway before the next year dawns upon us?

We needed to go through the trials, the hardships, and even the good times. The retrenchments, breakups, accidents were necessary for our growth. The new jobs and promotions, new romance or friendships, and other things we are blessed with – all very essential for our life’s journey. The bad experiences along with the good are there to teach us. Don’t fall short and lose the lesson which you can learn from what you have been through. Grasp it, analyse how you can use it to your advantage, and learn the lesson (however small) – and grow.

Again contemplating on what was, I turn my thoughts yet again to what is to come. Life is to be travelled forwards, not backwards. Remember that. So look ahead, look to what is now. Look at your future and how you can apply what you have learnt in life. Pick yourself up out of the pit of sorrow, pain, hurt, disappointment, depression – and move on to the next chapter in your life. Things always get better, and awesome days are ahead of you! That is a fact.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Whether you believe it or not, everything does indeed happen for a reason. In the orchestra of life, so much is taking place around us at all times - some of which we are aware of, whilst other things we are totally oblivious to. Through the past few months, I have been reminded of this time and again…

There are many illustrations I could use. One example is perhaps a vehicle driving slow on the road in front of you on your way to work, causing you to be late. We may not realise this, but someone ahead on your path could have jumped the traffic light carelessly; and in another reality, would've collided with you should you have not encountered the slow-moving vehicle. Situations such as these have occurred to me personally, a few times over. In the greater plan for our lives, and what is meant to be, it may not be our time to depart this plane of existence just yet. Rather than getting upset over the incident, let us stop to consider the bigger picture and so, preserve ourselves from frustration and irritation. Just because we do not know it at the time, or why, does not mean there is not a reason for this. There may be a very good reason why certain things happen the way they do!

What about that partner who selfishlessly betrays or cheats on you? Yes indeed, it is mountain of hurt, anger, defeat and emotional pain tumbles down and crushes us. Anyone dreads this. It is the one of the worst stresses we have to endure in our existence here on Earth. This has been something that happened to me not so long ago in my own life. I must say, I did suffer for a time - but I have chosen to look at the lessons to be learnt, how I can potentially grow and strengthen myself, and to consider that (at the very least) that this was not meant to be.

People will also come into your life for various reasons, most of the time unbeknownst to us at that moment, for a reason (to teach us something), a season (to be with us for whatever reason at a particular time in our lives), or a lifetime (these are the true friends, special family members and people who, no matter what, will always be at your side). And so, I have picked myself up out of the dirt and carried on with life, knowing there are bigger and better purposes which God intends for us. The right people come and go into your life, at all the right times. And most times, the wrong people leaving are to make place for exactly the right ones. This is something to look forward to!

I urge all of you to take heart if you are going through trials, it will not last forever and only a period. But most of all, remember that you will come out better than before, if you just choose to take the negative and turn it into a positive. You are worth much more than you know; do not let the stresses of life weigh down on you and crush your hopes and dreams. It will all work out in the end. And God has promised us this, all for our good.