The Freedom of Forgiveness

We have all been there. Be it a fall-out with friend or family member, someone who used you, perhaps a lie or deception. There could be any or many ways someone can cause us pain. Whatever the issue was that caused us harm, we are all faced with the decision in the end: forgive or hold on. What I have learned in my own life is that sometimes the best thing you can do is to let go of what is hurting you, because by holding on it causes you even more damage.

But why is it so difficult for a lot of us to forgive and let go? Here are three reasons this could be (and the ways to overcome them):

1. Resentment

We feel victimised, wronged, and makes us hold a grudge against the other person. Perhaps you are waiting for the other person to apologise to you, to make things right, or to explain themselves. Whatever the reason, holding onto old past hurts have a negative impact on your health and well-being. Bearing a grudge is one of the unhealthiest things you can do to yourself, and causes a lot of unnecessary stress. Keeping these ill feelings towards someone, to the pain, the disappointment or staying angry; hardens your heart and only hurts only you. It is not worth it, what the other person did to you is not worth it, to keep yourself in a prison of unforgiveness.

By not letting go, a lot of harmful, negative factors come into your life from retaining resentment: Carrying over bitterness and anger into other relationships, feeling disconnected with other people, depression and anxiety, not being able to enjoy life because you constantly remember the past, feeling that your life lacks meaning or purpose or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs, mental and emotional stress leading to physical stress manifesting, tension with the other person or people when you are around them, general unhappiness and frustration too. By letting this happen, we give away our power, our right to happiness, our freedom.

Do not let yourself get to this stage, and if you are there already, work on getting back on track to concentrating on your own peace of mind and happy space. Whatever happened, or if there may have been a reason for it or not, is not important. What is though, is your ability to let go of what happened so to move on with your life and focus on the things and people who do not let you down. And if there is a chance of reconciling the relationship, one must take it because sometimes people do make mistakes or are too focused on their own lives. Relationships are precious, value them and make them count wherever and whenever you can.

2. Retaliation

We want to hurt them back or pay for what they did to us, or even those we love. Feelings of anger, frustration and even thoughts of revenge may pop up in your mind. They hurt us, so now they must pay, they have to feel our pain and what they put us through to understand how we feel too. It seems unfair that we need to bear this burden, yet they walk away with apparently no conscience or feelings of remorse. This is a deadly trap to let ourselves fall into!

How do we determine if we have any of these bad feelings still left undealt with? By talking excessively about the event or the person responsible, by bad-mouthing them, how it or what they did still bothers you, and by letting it get to you bringing bitterness or hatred into your heart. Do not hold onto those miserable feelings inside and allow them to interfere with your life. Forgive and truly let it go. Do this for yourself. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. But if you don't practice forgiveness, you will be the one who pays the most. Whether or not the person is a friend, family member, colleague, etc. who you want or need to keep in your life, they could be oblivious to your hurt and continue living out their lives. So, in saying this, if you hold onto unforgiveness, you see that this does not affect the other person in any way. This is for you, and you alone.

Keep this in mind also, what you say and what you do matters. When you show kindness to others, your words and actions have a positive ripple effect which spreads out to affect many people. The same thing happens when you are impatient, intolerant or indifferent to others. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Remember that the Law of Attraction or laws of Karma, works in that what we do or allow to happen to others, all comes back to us (in abundance). We have not to worry about this part, allow the natural course of action which God has structured into the Universe, to naturally run its course.

3. Rejection

We put our guard up, a defence mechanism against getting hurt all over again. Perhaps a new friendship or partner comes into our lives, yet we cannot find the strength to get close to them because of the way we were hurt in the past. Or perhaps we are so afraid of going through the same problems all over again that caused us hurt before. This is a very difficult thing to deal with, because the world is full of people out there with no regard for others. Myself, family and friends continue to get hurt often by thinking the next person will be different, but this is not so in many cases. A friend told me the other day, we should not let those who hurt us stop the ones that won’t, to come into our lives. He was so correct and inspiring by saying this. Fortunately, not all people are the same, and we should not let the ones that caused us harm get in the way of those who mean us well and are truly there for us. Let go of the ones that cause you drama, or aren’t really there for you. Life is too precious to waste on those that are self-serving or say they are there for you but aren’t. There are plenty of true friends and people out there who will not reject you, so focus on these one and forget about the rest. No need to worry about or overthink the situation, they will get what they deserve when it comes to their fate and the Karma which comes back. All we have to do is concentrate on ourselves (our own peace and happiness) and those who are truly there.

Although forgiveness can be very difficult, it is necessary. You need to set yourself free. There is a favourite quote of mine from author Lewis B. Smedes: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” So, how we do this? Certain clashes you have with others are inevitable. No two people are the same, and at some point there will be a difference of some sort. These things are unavoidable, especially when it comes to miscommunication, people letting you down, or any other small human error. These things are petty in the grand scheme of things, and could easily be forgiven. We are all human and make mistakes or take each other in the wrong way from time to time. Miscommunication is one of the biggest culprits, but never a reason to break up a relationship / friendship because of it. Such is life, as they say, and we all need to learn to own up for our own misgivings where due.

We are not perfect. We must forgive ourselves too. We did what we could at the time to the best of our knowledge what was right. We may have spoken some truth or made a decision that others did not like, but standing up for oneself and speaking out is not wrong. Learn to forgive and let go, in order to set yourself free from those burdens which hold us back. Be free to live your life without any care for the past and move on in the confidence that you don’t need to revisit any old thoughts, hurts or previous toxic relationships that kept you back in your life. Remember to live in the now, to make the most of your life and stay in your happy space all the coming days ahead.

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Remember this: Forgiveness is never about the other person, but yourself. It is about how we have let go of the hurt, how we no longer feel the effects of what happened to us, and how we have let it go and left it behind us in the past – where it belongs. Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to be friends with them again, it just means you have let everything go and not let the past experience and pain affect you anymore. When you can look back at an event or someone who caused you the pain without it affecting you (even when you are around that person) then you know that you have healed, you have forgiven, and you have moved on with your life. 

Let us strive to get to this point, for our own well-being and happiness. Be strong. Be uplifted and rise above the past. Let peace and love radiate from you, a light for all others to see.

What True Loyalty Really Means

Throughout this last year, I experienced some adversities with certain friends with regards to the matter of true loyalty and what it really means. This has been a long time in coming and I am glad to finally be ready to talk to you about this. In the past several months I have been going through a lot of various changes in my life: stress, difficulties, learning who to trust, as well as who I can count on and who not. These times I am thankful for. As bizarre as that may sound to some of you, the reason for this (and why I have reached this way of positive thinking) is that I have come to learn that these trials help us grow, strengthen, learn new truths, including showing us who is truly faithful and dependable in our lives. And so, either by our own choice or theirs – or that of what is fated to be – the wrong people are cut out of our lives, freeing us and making room for us to focus on the right people.

In light of all that’s happened over the past year, it is good that this post has been delayed, for all which has transpired has brought to me to deeper realisations on this subject. I have seen over the years that a large number of people live with a false sense of, or lack of, loyalties to their friends and families without really understanding what it is to be truly so. After studying this and experiencing it in my life, I found that true loyalty can be broken down into these primary qualities…

1. Loyalty has integrity

Firstly and most importantly, a true loyal person will have integrity also. What is integrity really? The dictionary describes it as: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character, wholeness, the quality of being honest and fair, undiminished and preserving of others around us. True loyalty is not mindless obedience. By being loyal, we aren't diminished to being someone’s servant, saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to everything they say, do, think or feel without questioning that person’s decisions or actions. This is what is known as “blind loyalty” where the person in question acts like a mindless slave obeying and agreeing to everything the other person they believe they are ‘loyal’ to, says or does. We are all worth much more than that! We are to act in the best interests of others. We need to preserve their lives, their morals, their souls. If someone is making the wrong decisions or treating another badly, then we are no better going along with it. Instead, we need to be accountable to each other to make sure neither of us steps off in the wrong direction. It is not always going to be that we agree with everything they say and do. People with integrity care for themselves and others completely, they uphold good character and morals – and do not condone any bad behaviour or nastiness of any kind.

2. Loyalty contains honesty

There is a quote by famous author Spencer Johnson who wrote, amongst other books, ‘Who Moved My Cheese?” He says, “Integrity is telling myself the truth, honesty is telling the truth to other people.” How profoundly true this is! Secondly after integrity, honesty is just as imperative when it comes to truly being loyal. One needs to be trustworthy, and this can only be earned by being truthful. A loyal person will share their honest opinion (even if it’s not always what you want to hear).  They are also one who is not two-faced, someone who is real, down-to-earth, has good morals and values. Dishonesty includes talking behind others’ backs – something I have had to deal with this last year which was one of the big things that sparked off this whole topic. What I have learned is if someone talks nasty about someone else to you behind their back, then the chances are almost assuredly that they’ll talk about you when you’re not around. A loyal person will be respectful of you away from your presence and uphold the truth instead of being quiet. They will defend your honour. They will say no to the opportunity to spread gossip or to even entertain it, because this kind of behaviour does not show true unconditional love or respect for those being spoken about.

3. Loyalty is respectful

To be truthful and full of integrity, also means we are respectful to others because we genuinely care for and are protective of them. Various negative emotions can get in the way of loyalty, such as: pride, stubbornness, jealousy, envy, anger, bitterness, hate, unforgiveness, grudges, etc. When looking up the meanings of what respect really is, I found these fitting descriptions:

- Due regard for the feelings, wishes or rights of others.

- Admire someone or something deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

- Show consideration to someone, thoughtfulness, attentiveness, politeness, courtesy, civility, appreciative for others, holding them in good esteem, cherishing and valuing them.

So, in other words, respect is for anyone you know and care about. It is not just respect for your elders, teachers, mentors, bosses, or anyone who has done something exceptional for you but for all people you care about and love. Respect would cover everything that is important to others: their lives, homes, everything they have worked hard for, talents, passions, honour, reputation as well as their decisions and choices.

4. Loyalty contains dedication

When it comes to our working life, I think we all know that this point is very true. However, I have found in any type of relationship, there needs to be some measure of dedication to the people we care about that motivates our loyalty to them. One cannot be loyal to something or someone they do not care about. After all, a loyal person is one who is there always, wherever and whenever they can. Amongst my closest friends, I have come to learn that the truly loyal ones are there when I need them – no excuses, no broken promises, no lies, and certainly no running after them on my part. These people show their dedication by reaching out to others, they care enough to pay attention to you and your life. Even if they cannot be there physically, their dedication will show in their effort to keep contact and show concern for you. They take action when they know you need assistance, cheering up, or just a little reminder to stay on track. It is in staying faithful to others in the face of adversity and hardship and not just when it is convenient for you. This dedication has nothing to do with taking sides, true friends and people do not do this.

5. Loyalty means having your priorities right

When our priorities are in the wrong order and on the things which are unhealthy for us or the ones we care about, our loyalty is either not one hundred percent or non-existent. It is as simple as that. For example; by focusing on other people, activities or interests instead of sticking by our friends, family or partners when you should be there through something they are battling, it basically means we are either not there wholeheartedly or at all. Our priorities should be in the right place. Yes, we should be thinking of us too and the things we love doing, but we also have certain people in our lives to whom we pledge allegiance, and to have successful relationships with them, we should remember they may need us from time to time. Just as in the same way we depend on and need them too at times.

6. Loyalty is selfless action, thought and deed

We already looked at and have seen that true loyalty is shown to those we care about. Ultimately for anyone who is important to us means that we are there for them selflessly, watching their back under any circumstances, is there always ready to help where we can. One who shares the same moral principles and genuinely shows (not just speaks) thoughtfulness, courtesy, and attentiveness to your life and who you are as a person. These type of people are there for you through everything, and not when it suits them – they will be present in the friendship / relationship always, someone to be counted on to help out if the need arises, even if in the smallest way. There will be no need for motivation or begging to help, the subtle yet clear indication will be there that their motives and feelings are sincere, considerate, compassionate and true. Loyal people are supportive for no other reason than that they care and normally practice random acts of kindness which will prove their words are not just words, but mean what they say and feel.

7. Loyalty means being dependable and trustworthy

A friend or person who is never really there, is not someone we can depend on. Now I am not talking about the times when this person has other plans because we all have our own lives. What this means is that they are there for us however they can, whenever they can. To want someone to be there all the time when we want, is a rather selfish idea to contain and is not true loyalty from our side, nor theirs. Like I mentioned earlier, it is not blind or mindless obedience but a dependable person who can be there to offer support, advice, a listening ear or just to be there for whatever it is we need. And vice versa. In other words: accountable. Whether we are going through a rough patch or not, it is not always about us – we need to have regard and consideration for the other person too, because each of us is battling with something different that life has brought our way. Being loyally dependable and trustworthy includes keeping a strict hold on our tongues, keeping our word / promises, and saying what we mean – to and behind people’s backs. Added to this, not gossiping or saying any nasty thing behind someone’s back, passing judgement, breaking commitments, or sharing any secrets or personal information or stories to others without their consent. As positive beings, we need to make sure our tongues are used for good and not evil. We should be builders, not murderers (murder / killing does not just have to do with the physical realm).

8. Loyalty is sincere, supportive, accepting

At the very core of true loyalty, is acceptance, always being supportive and sincerity to those you care about. A truly loyal person will be loyal because they want to, because they care, and perhaps also because they truly love you. These people accept you as you are, never forsake you or betray you and supports you through life. When it comes to this, it means real support and care for your own well-being. So as I have said before it means not accepting any wrongdoing nor following you like a slave, but standing up for good and true morals while having your physical, mental and spiritual psyche all on the top of their list of concerns. The best test of their loyalty is when you are not capable of reaching out to them anymore, because of an issue or situation you are going through, have moved away, become very sick, and so on – yet they are still there, whether in person or in spirit. Loyal people can see through this and stay available even when these stages in your life are over again, and so are always available to you in good and hard times. He/she will be one who is always in search for your happiness no matter what the situation is or circumstances are. This is unwavering loyalty in action.

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There are few heroes and heroines out there and I am fortunate to have been blessed by some of them as close friends and family members who have demonstrated that this vanishing trait is not completely dead. Just because someone is a family member, neighbour or friend does not mean that they will be loyal. Ideally, we wish that were true (and hopefully someday it is), but for now loyalty must be earned. What is the main motivating factor that makes a person loyal to another I have often wondered? The answer is simple: unconditional love. That's something we could all use a lot more of. Let’s try adopt these qualities in our lives where we are lacking and hopefully our world will become a far better place.