The Importance of Self-Worth

At the beginning of last year, we lost a friend who took his own life due to depression. I would have wanted to post this and explore more into this subject with him in the deep discussions we used to have, before that dark day came. Yet life can be so unpredictable and none of us could have realised what events were about to unfold before it was too late. This, in addition to me beating myself up for not being present enough, only fuelled my dwindling desire to continue with anything I loved. And so, procrastination took a firm hold once again – something I never had an issue with in the past but mysteriously developed several years ago, something I believed had been conquered already.

I began this post a long time ago, it was to be my next one before my life went through the changes and trials that followed the passing of my friend, which caused my posts here to cease. To add to getting overwhelmed in the busyness of life, I was now also dealing with this loss (and that of an almost life-long friend two months later), along with the seemingly never-ending battle with overcoming procrastination all over again. My constant mission with self-development and improvement with this which I was learning – seemed to halt at that point, just when I thought it was all about to end. I am glad to say that I have overcome this a while back now and have figured out the reasons why it occurred, along with solutions in getting over it at last. But more on that later in an upcoming post which I have also been working on!

Depression can be a heart-breaking condition, and the feelings of low self-esteem which often go with it, can be an exceedingly difficult thing to handle. It is even worse when you feel like you are all alone and swallowed up in all your struggles, stress or circumstances. I am sure most of us, if not all, have gone (or are going) through this at some point in our lives. I know some who are still battling.

My earliest recollection of this troubling me was when I was in school. The problems I faced growing up was made up of a variety of obstacles, including (in no particular order): my parents getting divorced at a young age, being bullied at school, experiencing abuse, various forms of rejection, loneliness, moving around a lot and so on. Looking back now I can see how all these issues all knock our self-esteem and can make us feel worthless, useless, unwanted or unloved. All it takes is one ordeal such as these to push us into despair and feeling terrible about ourselves. The good news, however, is that we can master our emotions and insecurities. It just takes some working through, a healthy perspective and the right awareness.

For all that I have endured though, I am both grateful and thankful to have eventually managed to conquer them all. Some took much longer than others, but in the end, it is all worth it because each and every circumstance we go through in life is a lesson to learn from. To gain wisdom and insight. To grow. To evolve.

Amongst the things I have learnt in defeating depression and an unhappy or low disposition, a key ingredient in the recipe of success is learning how to love, accept and respect yourself. By saying this, I do not mean in a vain or unhealthy way. What I mean is in a manner which you realise this truth: that you are indeed valuable no matter what you or anyone may lead you to believe; you are a beautiful and magnificent creation, you are unique, special, important, gifted, talented and one-of-a-kind. There is, has never been, and will never be another exceptional being like you. Once we realise this, our journey begins to a healthier self-image, feeling respect and worth for ourselves and honouring the life we have been gifted with. We have this one chance to make the most of it.

In the next post, I will be speaking more on this to show you some very enlightening viewpoints which we can use to bring light into what is a seemingly dark valley of shadows on the road of life. It is not an easy road to travel on the way to a improved sense of self-worth, but we can get there. Anything is possible for us if we have some faith, focus on the positives and blessings in our life, as well as have motivation to move in the right direction.

Making Time for People and Priorities

The other day I was speaking with and encouraging a friend who has been going through a difficult patch of her life, when I came to realise that what we were talking about was this exact lesson I have learned in totality in this last year of my life. We were discussing the concept of time, the making use of the time you are given right now, and the fact that so much of it is wasted on the wrong things, activities and people. We need to have a balance, we agreed. As I have said in the past on many an occasion, time is not guaranteed to us and the ever-ticking clock of time stops for no-one.

For a while now, I have been focusing on what is truly important in my life. There are a few things that brought this on. For one; the constant reminders when speaking of my goals and dreams to friends, family, colleagues, etc. and realising I have not achieved a lot of them … yet! This along with the realisation as I approach my next birthday, and thinking how crazy it is that it is just around the corner again. It has been a busy year. However, this is not much of an excuse. I read something the other day by American Author H. Jackson Brown Jnr, where he speaks about this very thing in his book entitled, “Life's Little Instruction Book.” These are my favourite quotes, which have such relevance to this concept of time and life:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”
“The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.”

This got me to seriously start thinking on many things – things I think we all ponder on at times:
• What am I spending my time excessively and unnecessarily on?
• Am I being wise with the amount of time I have and doing the things I love doing (and better be doing, working towards my goals and dreams)?
• What can I do to simplify my life and focus on that really matters?
• Am I wasting time by doing too much of something that does not have much value or procrastinating when I could be doing other, more meaningful stuff?
• Is there anything that I still let bother my mind and overthink that causes me stress, and wastes my time letting problems / worries / people / work cloud my mind when I could be focusing on positive things that keep and make me happy and motivated?
• Are there any people I am ‘running after’ who aren’t bothering to make an effort – in other words, always texting / calling / trying to make plans when I could be focusing my attention on those that really want to be there (instead of saying they want to or will be, but then don’t)?

There is always room for improvement here. I don’t think we can fully master it, but we can get pretty close. We are only human after all. In my own life, I have made tremendous progress with this way of positive thinking over the years. Sometimes though, I find myself slipping off the edge of this high road I have climbed up for so long, only to find a good friend that’s been walking next to me reach out their hand of encouragement and hope – and I am back, stronger than ever. This visit with my friend was one of those times. We sat there talking about the wrong things and people taking too much of our valuable time. And so, like the proverbial light bulb going on above my head, I remembered that I originally had learned this lesson many years ago and this was just another one of those moments reminding me of this!

From what I learned this far through my own experiences and the lives of those around me, is that it really is not worth wasting your precious time on anything which is not contributing to your life. If you do not start prioritising now, before you know it, so much time has passed (and wasted) where we could be doing the things we love and work towards our future. Similarly the same is true if there is anyone who doesn’t go to the effort to spend time on you as you are trying to invest in them. Perhaps you find you are chasing after them by contacting them all the time and there is no reciprocation, no reply or no effort at all. This is when it is time to say goodbye and focus on the ones that really want to be part of your life and keep in contact. This is why, on almost all occasions, I withdraw myself and go silent for those type of people. People say a lot, which is why I watch what they do, and it will show if a person’s intentions are true because the two will match up. Why should any one of us always make all the effort, when it takes a mere several seconds to send a simple text if you cannot call or spend time with them. There is something that is called self-respect and loving oneself enough not to allow yourself fall into this trap. It is too easy, especially for us that care too much about those around us. We need to keep reminding ourselves of our worth and knowing that every type of relationship requires effort from both sides – no matter who you are. Don’t give up your time for the wrong people!

Tomorrow is not certain and it we should be using our time wisely and usefully. In the end, there is only so much of it! I have become very aware of my mortality over the years, especially after being in a few motor accidents, as well as having had a few friends and family pass away too soon. Once the time has passed, our window of opportunity closes where we had an opportunity to do something, go places, experience an adventure, spend time with someone important (especially family), or even to be with someone you want to share your life with. Once this moment or period has passed, it has passed! There is nothing you can do to go back. Make the most of whatever opportunity presents itself to you. Cut out anything or anyone that is wasting your time, effort, and affections. Don’t waste any more time. The time is right now, it is all we ever have. Dare to live, dare to experience life, and dare to make this your best life possible.

Healthy Body = Healthy Mind = Healthy Spirit

For almost a year and a half now, I have made the decision to make a point of focusing on my health – by eating the right foods, doing what I can to improve my health, take whatever supplements I require to stay healthy, get the right amount of daily nutrients, drink enough water, get enough rest, and make sure I keep exercising and doing yoga like I had been so diligent to do in the past. I can’t say that I have been exactly strict with myself on the exercise part but have found over the past couple of months that my time for yoga has improved, yay me!

However it is still not good enough as this had all been a daily routine for me before and, especially lately, has been less frequent. Regular exercise of any form is so important to add to healthy eating and lifestyle choices, and so I press on to overcome this sinister spirit of procrastination and distractions that stop me from doing what I love and need. Just like these same things have been keeping me from pushing forward with my writing recently. But this is going to be no more, I will prevail! This is one of my latest lessons I am currently going through in my life and so I will keep pushing on through it. So, what is the point of this? Well, through my experiences on this road to a healthier me, I realised a very important lesson in all of this which we should all heed. Taking care of yourself is so very essential, and not just because it is the only body you have. That is unless someone miraculously discovers the fountain of youth anytime soon, or science invents something to reverse the ageing affects, or even transfer our consciousness into another body (perhaps I have been watching too many sci-fi movies lately!).

Until then however, we need to be cautious with the way we live. When we provide into our diet all the nutrients that we need, our minds and so, our emotions and mental state, also are affected and improved. When this takes place our spiritual selves are happier and feel more alive because our minds (and bodies) are functioning properly and are in a good, healthy state. So, the same thing will apply to eating too much 'junk' food, consuming any foods or drinks with preservatives, taking too much prescription medicines, and so forth. Now, I am just speaking in general here about what I have learnt, with some people it will be different depending on whether they are suffering with some or other health issue. A lot of us have something we are battling unfortunately. We need to keep in mind though, that we have to guard ourselves and our health for our overall well-being. 

But we can do whatever we can, to the best of our abilities. If we are doing our best, we should not feel guilty or bad about ourselves. We are not robots, and are human after all! I have found that we need to have a healthy balance of all aspects of our lives; which promote a healthy body, mind and spirit. Too much of anything can be bad for you, and this applies to everything. Get enough sleep if you can manage it, don’t overwork yourself, spend time with your families and friends, spend and live wisely, don’t procrastinate and do what you can – when you can, drink enough water, eat healthy but treat yourself too once in a while at least. Do what you love, laugh, sing, dance, or whatever makes your heart and soul glad. We only live once. They say if you do it right, once is enough. And that is an encouraging thought!

Your body is sacred and a wonderful gift, look after it. By keeping your body as healthy as you can, you honour that and this leads to a whole chain of health benefits. Many physical ailments are linked to our diet, such as migraines/headaches, skin problems, indigestion, blood pressure, gout, and so on. This is where the analogy comes in that your body is a like a temple and we should treat it as such. Well, what does this actually mean? The way one would treat a sacred place such a temple, would be that of respect, care, appreciation, and even love. Do you understand now the relevance? Added to this, think of what it means when you enter into such a sacred place: a heightened sense of reverence and awareness comes over you, the honour and consideration we feel to that particular place. This attitude applies to us too. Once we become aware of what our body needs and become conscious on the choices we make in looking after ourselves, we will start living healthier, leading to a happier and balanced life in general.

Let us all be more mindful of this as we go through each day, remembering to live in the moment, but not in neglect of ourselves. We are just as important. It is up to you, and you alone. Love yourself!
 

What True Loyalty Really Means

Throughout this last year, I experienced some adversities with certain friends with regards to the matter of true loyalty and what it really means. This has been a long time in coming and I am glad to finally be ready to talk to you about this. In the past several months I have been going through a lot of various changes in my life: stress, difficulties, learning who to trust, as well as who I can count on and who not. These times I am thankful for. As bizarre as that may sound to some of you, the reason for this (and why I have reached this way of positive thinking) is that I have come to learn that these trials help us grow, strengthen, learn new truths, including showing us who is truly faithful and dependable in our lives. And so, either by our own choice or theirs – or that of what is fated to be – the wrong people are cut out of our lives, freeing us and making room for us to focus on the right people.

In light of all that’s happened over the past year, it is good that this post has been delayed, for all which has transpired has brought to me to deeper realisations on this subject. I have seen over the years that a large number of people live with a false sense of, or lack of, loyalties to their friends and families without really understanding what it is to be truly so. After studying this and experiencing it in my life, I found that true loyalty can be broken down into these primary qualities…

1. Loyalty has integrity

Firstly and most importantly, a true loyal person will have integrity also. What is integrity really? The dictionary describes it as: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character, wholeness, the quality of being honest and fair, undiminished and preserving of others around us. True loyalty is not mindless obedience. By being loyal, we aren't diminished to being someone’s servant, saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to everything they say, do, think or feel without questioning that person’s decisions or actions. This is what is known as “blind loyalty” where the person in question acts like a mindless slave obeying and agreeing to everything the other person they believe they are ‘loyal’ to, says or does. We are all worth much more than that! We are to act in the best interests of others. We need to preserve their lives, their morals, their souls. If someone is making the wrong decisions or treating another badly, then we are no better going along with it. Instead, we need to be accountable to each other to make sure neither of us steps off in the wrong direction. It is not always going to be that we agree with everything they say and do. People with integrity care for themselves and others completely, they uphold good character and morals – and do not condone any bad behaviour or nastiness of any kind.

2. Loyalty contains honesty

There is a quote by famous author Spencer Johnson who wrote, amongst other books, ‘Who Moved My Cheese?” He says, “Integrity is telling myself the truth, honesty is telling the truth to other people.” How profoundly true this is! Secondly after integrity, honesty is just as imperative when it comes to truly being loyal. One needs to be trustworthy, and this can only be earned by being truthful. A loyal person will share their honest opinion (even if it’s not always what you want to hear).  They are also one who is not two-faced, someone who is real, down-to-earth, has good morals and values. Dishonesty includes talking behind others’ backs – something I have had to deal with this last year which was one of the big things that sparked off this whole topic. What I have learned is if someone talks nasty about someone else to you behind their back, then the chances are almost assuredly that they’ll talk about you when you’re not around. A loyal person will be respectful of you away from your presence and uphold the truth instead of being quiet. They will defend your honour. They will say no to the opportunity to spread gossip or to even entertain it, because this kind of behaviour does not show true unconditional love or respect for those being spoken about.

3. Loyalty is respectful

To be truthful and full of integrity, also means we are respectful to others because we genuinely care for and are protective of them. Various negative emotions can get in the way of loyalty, such as: pride, stubbornness, jealousy, envy, anger, bitterness, hate, unforgiveness, grudges, etc. When looking up the meanings of what respect really is, I found these fitting descriptions:

- Due regard for the feelings, wishes or rights of others.

- Admire someone or something deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

- Show consideration to someone, thoughtfulness, attentiveness, politeness, courtesy, civility, appreciative for others, holding them in good esteem, cherishing and valuing them.

So, in other words, respect is for anyone you know and care about. It is not just respect for your elders, teachers, mentors, bosses, or anyone who has done something exceptional for you but for all people you care about and love. Respect would cover everything that is important to others: their lives, homes, everything they have worked hard for, talents, passions, honour, reputation as well as their decisions and choices.

4. Loyalty contains dedication

When it comes to our working life, I think we all know that this point is very true. However, I have found in any type of relationship, there needs to be some measure of dedication to the people we care about that motivates our loyalty to them. One cannot be loyal to something or someone they do not care about. After all, a loyal person is one who is there always, wherever and whenever they can. Amongst my closest friends, I have come to learn that the truly loyal ones are there when I need them – no excuses, no broken promises, no lies, and certainly no running after them on my part. These people show their dedication by reaching out to others, they care enough to pay attention to you and your life. Even if they cannot be there physically, their dedication will show in their effort to keep contact and show concern for you. They take action when they know you need assistance, cheering up, or just a little reminder to stay on track. It is in staying faithful to others in the face of adversity and hardship and not just when it is convenient for you. This dedication has nothing to do with taking sides, true friends and people do not do this.

5. Loyalty means having your priorities right

When our priorities are in the wrong order and on the things which are unhealthy for us or the ones we care about, our loyalty is either not one hundred percent or non-existent. It is as simple as that. For example; by focusing on other people, activities or interests instead of sticking by our friends, family or partners when you should be there through something they are battling, it basically means we are either not there wholeheartedly or at all. Our priorities should be in the right place. Yes, we should be thinking of us too and the things we love doing, but we also have certain people in our lives to whom we pledge allegiance, and to have successful relationships with them, we should remember they may need us from time to time. Just as in the same way we depend on and need them too at times.

6. Loyalty is selfless action, thought and deed

We already looked at and have seen that true loyalty is shown to those we care about. Ultimately for anyone who is important to us means that we are there for them selflessly, watching their back under any circumstances, is there always ready to help where we can. One who shares the same moral principles and genuinely shows (not just speaks) thoughtfulness, courtesy, and attentiveness to your life and who you are as a person. These type of people are there for you through everything, and not when it suits them – they will be present in the friendship / relationship always, someone to be counted on to help out if the need arises, even if in the smallest way. There will be no need for motivation or begging to help, the subtle yet clear indication will be there that their motives and feelings are sincere, considerate, compassionate and true. Loyal people are supportive for no other reason than that they care and normally practice random acts of kindness which will prove their words are not just words, but mean what they say and feel.

7. Loyalty means being dependable and trustworthy

A friend or person who is never really there, is not someone we can depend on. Now I am not talking about the times when this person has other plans because we all have our own lives. What this means is that they are there for us however they can, whenever they can. To want someone to be there all the time when we want, is a rather selfish idea to contain and is not true loyalty from our side, nor theirs. Like I mentioned earlier, it is not blind or mindless obedience but a dependable person who can be there to offer support, advice, a listening ear or just to be there for whatever it is we need. And vice versa. In other words: accountable. Whether we are going through a rough patch or not, it is not always about us – we need to have regard and consideration for the other person too, because each of us is battling with something different that life has brought our way. Being loyally dependable and trustworthy includes keeping a strict hold on our tongues, keeping our word / promises, and saying what we mean – to and behind people’s backs. Added to this, not gossiping or saying any nasty thing behind someone’s back, passing judgement, breaking commitments, or sharing any secrets or personal information or stories to others without their consent. As positive beings, we need to make sure our tongues are used for good and not evil. We should be builders, not murderers (murder / killing does not just have to do with the physical realm).

8. Loyalty is sincere, supportive, accepting

At the very core of true loyalty, is acceptance, always being supportive and sincerity to those you care about. A truly loyal person will be loyal because they want to, because they care, and perhaps also because they truly love you. These people accept you as you are, never forsake you or betray you and supports you through life. When it comes to this, it means real support and care for your own well-being. So as I have said before it means not accepting any wrongdoing nor following you like a slave, but standing up for good and true morals while having your physical, mental and spiritual psyche all on the top of their list of concerns. The best test of their loyalty is when you are not capable of reaching out to them anymore, because of an issue or situation you are going through, have moved away, become very sick, and so on – yet they are still there, whether in person or in spirit. Loyal people can see through this and stay available even when these stages in your life are over again, and so are always available to you in good and hard times. He/she will be one who is always in search for your happiness no matter what the situation is or circumstances are. This is unwavering loyalty in action.

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There are few heroes and heroines out there and I am fortunate to have been blessed by some of them as close friends and family members who have demonstrated that this vanishing trait is not completely dead. Just because someone is a family member, neighbour or friend does not mean that they will be loyal. Ideally, we wish that were true (and hopefully someday it is), but for now loyalty must be earned. What is the main motivating factor that makes a person loyal to another I have often wondered? The answer is simple: unconditional love. That's something we could all use a lot more of. Let’s try adopt these qualities in our lives where we are lacking and hopefully our world will become a far better place. 

The Virtues of True Friendship

There is a lot that can be said for true friends, and what it all means. You find all kinds of quotes, proverbs and little pieces of wisdom that range from the same old mundane ones to really profound, deep explosions of enlightenment in your heart. For me, my close and oldest friends have always been my second family. I have learned a lot through many of them, yet much more also through all the friendship experiences I have found myself in, right through my life. And I am still learning. I learn all the while more and more which valuable and respected traits we should be looking out for to point out whether a friend is real, fake, or if their friendship is just a fickle one and falters at the first sign of trouble.

Recently, I have found myself thrown back onto a learning curve on the road of my life when it comes to this. Through various experiences and tough situations taking place in the last year and a half, it has reminded me of what virtues any true friend should possess. Like a metaphorical light bulb going on above my head, realisations have hit home. Illumination upon the dark corners of self-doubt in my heart, and suddenly I recalled once again what I am worth, what I deserve and how things should be. What it should be like for us all.

So what is being and having a true friend all about? These points below will explain it in more detail what I have learned, summing up all the qualities one finds in your real friends…

1. True friends are loyal
True friends remain equally loyal in both good times and bad. They will offer help without expecting anything in return and would change their plans to come to your aid. They will stand up for you when you need it and never do anything that will compromise your success or happiness. People who are there only when it is good for them, or when it’s too much for them to support you through your troubled times; are nothing more than ‘fair-weather friends’. These people are there for you only when the going is good. Now I don’t mean that they have to be there for you physically all the time, but a simple call or message to show they care should be enough to prove this. Indeed life gets busy, but there is always time to be found for the things and people who mean much to you.

I have had many experiences when I have felt all alone through my difficult times this past period of time. The ones who claimed they would be there and support me through whatever I was going through, mostly all disappeared from my life until it was convenient for them to return or when they wanted something from me or needed me. This should not be so! As true friends, we should be there through it all. Love is unconditional – not when conditions are right for us. I am so thankful for the friends I still have by my side who have been there constantly and feel so blessed by these special souls.

2. True friends are honest and real
Friends keep their word and do what they say they will do. They should be honest but never judgemental. They will be as real as they are at all times, whether it is over the phone, texting, online or in person. People who are themselves and not two-faced, nor pretend to be something they are not. A true friend is always honest no matter what. They will intervene if they see that something is seriously bad for you or if you’re going down the wrong path. It is your duty to tell the truth, even when you know that the truth may hurt and possibly even cost you your friendship (which it won’t if you keep to following the other traits here, stay honest, and let them know how much you value their friendship). In essence, honesty is essential in all relationships, and friendships are no exception. If you love your friends, have the decency and courage to be truthful always.

In the past, I have had associations with some people who have been the opposite of this, and it is not good going through being hurt by people being dishonest, superficial and false. Since last year, I lost a couple of friends who ended up due to dishonesty and deception. It was sad and hurtful to bear – but necessary. If you know me, you will know how much importance I place upon this very aspect. A lie or any deception can ruin a friendship, where telling the truth does not cause such devastation nor the bond of trust broken. The karma which comes back to you is tremendous, and mostly only surfaces later which is a far greater damage than being upfront about something right away. The truth always comes out, so be truthful always. Be who you are, no-one else can!

3. True friends respect you
Your true friends will always respect the person and not the position, title, or assets they may possess. They do not try to change their friends, but accept them as they are and respect their choices, beliefs, time and property.
- Choices are respected by not trying to control your friends’ lives and realising they have their own minds, likes and dislikes. Each of us are different. The choices I make, may not be best for my friend or any other person. Each of us have to make our own path through life, and should not judge another for the things they have chosen, whether good or bad.
- Beliefs are respected by not judging, condemning, attacking nor criticising your friends’ beliefs, ideals or morals. If you know that your friend has certain views and ethics, respect them – even if you don’t agree with them. Rather than try force our friends to believe what we do, or change their perception by manipulation, we have to respect our friends’ viewpoints and accept them completely. Not everyone looks at the universe around us the same way.
- Time is respected by not wasting it. Be punctual for appointments and let your friend know if you’ll be late or can’t make it at all. If you are late and you have let your friend know, then you have at least been honest and all involved can plan or reschedule accordingly. Mishaps and unforeseen circumstances do happen, we all need to be understanding of this fact. But it works both ways.
- Property is respected by not damaging it and taking care to treat your friends’ belongings with care and love as you would do your own. After all, it was not you who went to all the effort to work at building up their homes and belongings as they have. If something is lent to you, it was entrusted to you. Have the respect and decency to return it in the same condition. Same goes for paying back what is owed when you have been lent money – which one should not really be doing, if we care about their own well-being.

Sadly I can say that all of these have happened to me, as with most of you too I am sure. After countless times of people trying to get me to do something I did not want to do, using me, judging or making fun of me, or trying to change my beliefs in some way and so on – I am relieved and happy now that I have cut them out of my life. It is not worth it forever going through the stress of someone trying to force you to change yourself, go against what you want or believe in, or be influenced in any way. Your happiness and security needs to come first. You need to be respected.

4. True friends never talk bad about you
Something which cannot be emphasised enough is that true friends do not talk bad about their friends and also do not criticize, judge, or condemn them. True friends will always keep your secrets/business private and confidential. They also definitely do not gossip behind your back. Again if you love your friends why would you want to ruin their reputation and relationships with others because you have got a grievance against them, or nothing better to talk about? We were always taught that if you have not anything good to say, then rather be silent. The thing about gossip and bad talk that some do not realise, is that it always becomes a two-way effect – while you are tarnishing someone else’s name, at the very same time, you are also ruining yours. No-one is fond of being in the company of such a person and the negativity they bring over others. The general rule here is this: “Listen carefully to how a person speaks about others to you, this will determine how they will talk about you to other people. When someone is nasty or treats someone poorly, it says nothing about that person but a lot about them. The way people treat you is a statement about who they are as a human being, it is not a statement about you.” As I have said before, if you truly care for your friends, you will want to protect them in every way. So watch out for this.

In recent months, I have been through a very bad situation where this very thing has occurred. Certain friends have drifted away because they have listened and believed lies and unwholesome talk being spread about me. Sadly, some friendships have not been the same since. Without finding out the facts by first coming to me and getting the complete story, they have chosen to believe someone’s one-sided version of the truth. Let it be known, that true friends will not just keep from talking bad about their friends, they will also not believe stories when they hear bad talk coming from someone else. This brings me to my next point…

5. True friends do not take sides
True friends will stand by what’s right and not take sides. Echoing the same message as in point two where good friends who are honest will look for the truth, support it and not just blindly take sides when their friends are responsible for bad behaviour. Just because you are loyal to your friends, does not mean you must support them even when they are at fault. Take a stand in your friendships! We are to be accountable to each other, and if your friend says or does something unkind, you should be helping set them on the right path. If you are not doing this, then you are only thinking selfishly of yourself and your friendship with your friend. There are two reasons why people could fall into this way of thinking:
- Fear of what their friend or others will think, they will hold back from saying anything or standing up to their friend. This includes fear of losing their friendship, but true friends never part over something so trivial. Especially when you are caring for their best interests.
- Misunderstanding the meaning of loyalty to friends by blindly supporting their every action and word, not realising that by being loyal to our friends actually means supporting them by guiding them off the incorrect path and showing them where they are going wrong so that they can take responsibility to set their life right once more in a positive, uplifting way.

As I have mentioned in the last point, I have seen this happen first hand. We should be giving support and remaining impartial to whatever someone is going through, especially when it may involve someone else we know. Rather find out all the facts and work out the truth of the matter first, support your loved ones and care enough to point out the wrong and set them back on the right way. Otherwise all we are doing is hurting our friends who need our support instead of rejection, and so damaging their hearts and our precious relationships with them as well, and at the same time enabling bad habits and poor behaviour of our friend we have been 'loyal' to..

6. True friends believe in you, appreciate and encourage you 

Real friends will always value and appreciate you. They are in the business of building up, not breaking down their friends: whether in motivation, confidence, and especially self-esteem. Good friends will always be grateful for their friends who they have been blessed with and never take them for granted. They focus at all times on what they value about them, not on what they dislike. A true friend is also patient with you, forgiving, and are understanding when things need time to change or get better. Also, they won’t judge you even when you make silly mistakes because they accept us for who we are and will do what they can to be there and support us through anything we find ourselves going through – triumphs as well as failures.

One thing I can say for sure, is that this is especially true of my close friends who have been there for me through the hard, depressing and stressful times in my life. In the past several years I can think of numerous hardships I have had to endure. However if it were not for these extraordinary people in my life always encouraging me to not give up, supporting me through the difficult patches, and never letting me forget my worth; then I don’t know how I would’ve managed through what I have been through this far. 

7. True friends are always there

Helping without expecting a return favour, true friends will do this unconsciously in a heartbeat. They provide a shoulder to cry on, listen when you need someone to talk to and offer advice/support where they can offer it. They will also share their own successes with you when they achieve them, will celebrate yours when you achieve your own; but furthermore they will be there through the tribulations and failures you go through too. They are there through all times and definitely not only when things are good. If they cannot be there physically, they will show it in any number of ways: be it a call, message or keeping in contact in any other way. Furthermore, they will have your back and are always dependable to be there for you – if they can manage it. 

We have all have had good and bad experiences with this before. Not only have I had friends abandon me when I needed them most when I have needed help or support, but I have also had those who never left my side and were always able to count on them. Yes we all have our own lives to lead, but there is always time that can be made for the ones we love and care about. Even if one cannot be there physically, a simple message or call to check-in does perfectly well. It takes but a few seconds to do this, there is never such a thing as not enough time. The only misfortune here is that time can run away with us with our busy lives and keeping contact can slip our minds, but this is something we all need to prioritise and make sure we have a balance, for all that is important to us. The truth is people make time for what and who is important to them. A true friend is someone you can rely on. 

8. True friends never use you

When you have a true friend, you will never have to worry about them using you. Your safety, security and welfare will be on top of their list because they truly care for you. They will never take advantage of you, or like I was reading the other day on a different blog, even borrow money from or depend on you in any way and put you in in a position where you will end up in a financial predicament yourself. Once borrowed from you, aware of what trouble they themselves were in before, will not want you to be in the same place as they have been. True friends have your safety and security as a priority, this includes your finances because it affects your life and stability to provide for yourself. Don't let people use you or your good heart. Make sure no-one is doing this and filter out 'friends' like these because they only make things worse for you – it may be financial, emotional, physical or any other thing they are relying on you solely for. Friendships are a partnership where you help one another, not only the one depending on the other. Be aware of this.

I have been in situations such as these, and often come out worse off, and even to the point of still paying for that today. The last few years have been tough going through this with my ex and certain friends who have caused me to end up in financial crises. As a result, I have been living a life of struggling to make ends meet every month. It’s not worth it. Take a stand, have some self-respect and self-worth knowing you deserve better and put your foot down. If you end up suffering by paying for someone else to live better and they have no regard for you being in a worse-off situation, it's time to reassess that friendship (or relationship).

9. True friends have your best interests at heart – not what is best for them

Friends do not encourage you to violate your morals and principles, neither do they allow other friends to persuade you to do so. Again, if they are a real friend, they will care about you and respect your beliefs, standards, morals and values (as mentioned earlier). Do not allow your friends to persuade you to do things that you know are not in your best interest or you do not want to do. There is a difference in having fun and crossing the line in making you uncomfortable doing something you do not want to. This is something of great wisdom I learnt from my mum, which I mentioned in a previous blog post not too long ago. Just remember you need not step down from your high standards or morals of living because someone wants you to. Stay focused, stay true to yourself. Similarly, if they see you doing something foolish, making an unwise decision, spending money you don’t have (that probably should be going elsewhere), treating someone badly, getting into the wrong relationship – or whatever the situation may be – they will step up to the plate and be there for you to show you the right path. Your real friends will look out for you and have your well-being at heart.

When I was in the last grade of primary school I found myself making friends with a lot of my classmates, including two of the naughty boys with whom I had mutual friends. One day whilst hanging around with these guys, I ended getting into trouble because of them, all because of the peer pressure and disturbance they were causing our class. They were trying to get me to join in on their plans. Luckily I knew in my heart that it was wrong and felt terribly uncomfortable with it because it was going against my morals, standards and who I am as a person. Unfortunately for me though, my amazing teacher who had such trust in me caught them out just in time. And I was in trouble too, being associated with them just for being present. He was disappointed, but I was even more so. This was one of my first lessons on friendship. This taught me from a young age to be aware of the friends you keep and to choose wisely only those who look after you in every way. 

10. True friends are forever

When you have the ability to not see each other for long periods of time but nothing changes in your friendship with one another, then you have found a true friendship that could possibly last forever. These will be the friends that stay in touch, even if by the smallest measure of contact. Sometimes a period of time could go by and you could perhaps not have spoken for a while. Yet everything stays the same: the communication flows, the way you are with one another has not changed, your meaningful conversations, and so forth are all still so meaningful. Make sure you maintain your friendships with periodic quality communication by email, text, phone, and in-person. I know sometimes this is easier said than done, but it is necessary. We all have busy lives to lead, but as I have mentioned before, it literally takes moments to send a short message or even picking up the phone to call. Of course, on the other hand, if you realise you are the one continuously messaging and contacting certain friends all the time with not much reciprocation, then maybe it is time to stop and focus on the ones who equally show you the same. The last thing you want to do is focus on running after a whole group of people who don’t care as much as you do for them, then end up not having enough time and neglecting the really important ones you should be focusing on instead! 

In the past, I found myself doing this and I have had to make a conscious decision to keep checking and reminding myself to refocus. Life is too uncertain to concentrate on the wrong people. If they really love, care, support you and want to be in your life, then they will be there. It will show. Cherish, enjoy and revel in the moments you have with your friends, they may not be there forever. I have lost two friends in the last few years and there were times where I was very hard on myself for not making enough time while they were still alive. The truth is I was running after everyone, driving after everyone and trying to do the best I could from my side to keep contact and visit them all. This was a very big awakening in my life. When I realised these two friends were gone and I had wasted my time running after the wrong people who did not bother to for me, I decided that I needed to start looking more closely at my friendships and pay attention to the right ones. No matter what, if a friendship is true it will not change one bit. True friends are forever.

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There is an old saying which says we can’t choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Choose wisely, whether it be with who you spend your time with or an improvement in yourself you need to make to be a better friend. I believe we all will always have room for growth and this process never ends. I have found through various ups and downs in my own circles, has helped me realise which friendship needs re-evaluation, or whether I have weaknesses I need to work on within myself.

Be careful when you find yourself going through trials, to not allow the wrong types of people taint your life and happy place by bringing you down in any way. Use the bad experiences to learn from, to grow, to improve your life. Sometimes constant evaluation is necessary to make sure you are letting the right people into your space. Strengthen your friendships by sharing fun, exciting, and intellectual experiences. Take the time, show your care and concern. Remember friendships are bound by common interests, shared values, mutual respect, and love. If you find all these qualities in your friendships, you are bound to have a friend for life. 

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 3 - Trust / Respect

During the past few weeks we started looking at two of five of the most important aspects for having healthy and fulfilling relationships with each other. Today we are looking at another very significant attribute which is most highly valued. With all relationships in life, as it grows you begin to trust and respect each other more and more as time goes on. However, after building these virtues over a period of time - sometimes a vast one depending on how long you know the person - is very easy to destroy in an instant. These are particularly very delicate values, so be aware to handle with care!

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Trust / Respect

You cannot trust someone whom you do not respect, nor can you respect one you do not trust. So, both trust and respect go hand in hand. Exceptionally vital to our relationships with others, these qualities are built up over a period of time, and do not just magically exist. Hence why in the beginning of a relationship (of any form), this is the time which is most sensitive and fragile. But no matter at which stage you are in your relationship with the other person, both could be lost in an instant if broken. So look after your relationships with those you love, it is not all about yourelf, but both of you.

Similarly, if you truly love and care about those in your life, you will endeavour to build these things with them. No relationship just happens - as with anything worthwhile in life - it takes commitment, work, patience and perseverance to form. Also, if there is lack of these qualities, we need to look at what we can do to assist and support each other to regain it back. This goes for fears and insecurities too. You should be helping one other bear these and overcome them. No relationship has room for selfishness and both parties need to work at this.

We have heard the old saying, "Any relationship is a two-way street". Rather, it is a one-way street, where both people travel in the same direction, side by side, supporting and helping each other, each working at their part. In this way, we can reach any point in our lives whilst having a healthy relationship which does not fail and is supportive in every way.

Also look out for the things which destroy trust, respect and other good qualities in your relationships. These things include:

• Dishonesty or any form of lies
• Speaking badly of their friends or family, or gossiping
• Humiliation or making fun of them in front of others (there is a fine line between joking and humiliation, so please be careful with this)
• Not taking their views, feelings and personalities into account, when it comes to anything
• Picking on insecurities / flaws / behavioural habits
• Cheating in whatever form, especially in romantic relationships. Any kind of intimate and romantic betrayal with someone else other than your partner - is still cheating! This includes flirting, seeing other people behind their back, intentions of hooking up with someone, and kissing someone else (still cheating, no matter what you may say) 

I could go on, but I think I have pretty much covered the major stuff.

Something to ponder on: How you treat others, how you speak to them, what you say and do (behind their back or in front of them), the way you care or not for them, if you show them affection or attention, etc. - is not a statement about that person. If someone is nasty to you or treats you wrong, it says nothing of them, but a lot about you.

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The relationships we have been blessed with in life, are so precious and a priceless gift. Yet so many people are careless with others' hearts and feelings. We should be building each other up, encouraging, supporting, and loving them. We should be showing them they are beautiful, that they are accepted, that they are so loved! Otherwise our words are meaningless.

We cannot expect others just to know how we feel, we should be showing them that what we say and do match up. No wishy-washy efforts are acceptable in healthy relationships. They should be authentic. They should be real. We should be real - and upfront. No assuming. This is how we build trust and love ... respect is then returned to us, along with so much more, fulfilling the law of attraction in our lives.