Life Lessons on Time

It has been nearly two years of not writing here on my blog, and I must say how I have missed it! So much has happened since the last post, good and bad, yet unfortunately I seem to have let the bad stuff and the busyness of life get the better of me by allowing my inspiration to cease in all the craziness. That is changing now, as I have been on a journey through this period of rediscovering myself, growing and learning a lot, as well as getting back to goal and intention setting for the way ahead of me. There is so much to write about and share, I have my work cut out for me now! Yet no complaints, all smiles and happy thoughts as I write this because I know through all the stuff that has happened, even though I have been through some tough situations, I have no regrets because it is all working for my good and taught me some valuable lessons I needed so desperately to learn. Now that I am back to writing again, I look forward to continuing sharing all the lessons and inspirations of life I am learning along the way!

Where do I begin? There have been some major events that have taken place, and significant lessons learned as a result. I think these things are of vital importance for not just me, but for us all to take note of. One of the main things that has stood out for me the last year and a half, is of the frailty and uncertainty of life. Last year two of my close friends and a family member passed away, followed this year by two more friends in the last few months. It has been a real eye-opener that time is promised to none of us. This I know, but is as always a good reminder! It has been tough to deal with so much people leaving this world; because like me, there have been some friends of mine also who have lost people in their lives also through this same period of time.

The lesson in all of this for me has been to make sure I focus my attention on the people who really matter and are present in my life, the things I care about and love, and to start seriously working towards my goals and dreams – because these are what has real significance. Too often we get swept away by life’s issues, work, tiredness and being busy with everything that comes along day by day. And then, before we realise it, days / months / years have passed and we have not achieved what we have set out for, or spent time with our families or friends we have wanted so desperately to do for so long.

When one starts having so many people pass away in a short space of time, one cannot help but sit up and take notice of life in all its beauty and value. Not just have I realised life's improbability, I also became conscious of my own mortality and the reminder of my near-death experience I had many years ago. This has resulted in me finally gaining the last bit of motivation I so desperately needed at last to continue working at achieving my dreams and goals. These events have been a wake-up call to me, after getting distracted by life and procrastinating way too much – a personal goal and improvement I thought I had completely overcome after working so hard on myself with this. Thankfully, things are now back on track and I have begun to focus my attention to where it needs to go. Positive and exciting changes, improvements and processes are ahead as I have begun my journey to accomplishing what I need to.

I was reading an inspirational piece the other day, which had the same theme which made me sit up and take notice. It’s amazing how by some Divine Plan all these messages and signs come to us, if we are open and attentive enough to see and hear them! The author was saying that anyone who ever accomplished anything great in life (for example: Albert Einstein, Princess Diana, Mother Teresa, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, J.K. Rowling, to name but a few) had the exact same number of hours in their day as we do. That today we have more ways to solve more problems and get more done in a single day than have ever existed before. He went on to say that our “lack of time” is not a time problem, but a priorities issue. How profound! We need to refocus our awareness on who and what matters in our lives, and stop chasing those which do not serve our purpose. Be grateful for each day, for life, for your blessings. Our time here is limited. We are only assured of today – no, we are only assured of right now. It is all we have. So, let us make the most of it, before we end up living in regret. There is a lesson in this for us all.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

We have all been there. Be it a fall-out with friend or family member, someone who used you, perhaps a lie or deception. There could be any or many ways someone can cause us pain. Whatever the issue was that caused us harm, we are all faced with the decision in the end: forgive or hold on. What I have learned in my own life is that sometimes the best thing you can do is to let go of what is hurting you, because by holding on it causes you even more damage.

But why is it so difficult for a lot of us to forgive and let go? Here are three reasons this could be (and the ways to overcome them):

1. Resentment

We feel victimised, wronged, and makes us hold a grudge against the other person. Perhaps you are waiting for the other person to apologise to you, to make things right, or to explain themselves. Whatever the reason, holding onto old past hurts have a negative impact on your health and well-being. Bearing a grudge is one of the unhealthiest things you can do to yourself, and causes a lot of unnecessary stress. Keeping these ill feelings towards someone, to the pain, the disappointment or staying angry; hardens your heart and only hurts only you. It is not worth it, what the other person did to you is not worth it, to keep yourself in a prison of unforgiveness.

By not letting go, a lot of harmful, negative factors come into your life from retaining resentment: Carrying over bitterness and anger into other relationships, feeling disconnected with other people, depression and anxiety, not being able to enjoy life because you constantly remember the past, feeling that your life lacks meaning or purpose or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs, mental and emotional stress leading to physical stress manifesting, tension with the other person or people when you are around them, general unhappiness and frustration too. By letting this happen, we give away our power, our right to happiness, our freedom.

Do not let yourself get to this stage, and if you are there already, work on getting back on track to concentrating on your own peace of mind and happy space. Whatever happened, or if there may have been a reason for it or not, is not important. What is though, is your ability to let go of what happened so to move on with your life and focus on the things and people who do not let you down. And if there is a chance of reconciling the relationship, one must take it because sometimes people do make mistakes or are too focused on their own lives. Relationships are precious, value them and make them count wherever and whenever you can.

2. Retaliation

We want to hurt them back or pay for what they did to us, or even those we love. Feelings of anger, frustration and even thoughts of revenge may pop up in your mind. They hurt us, so now they must pay, they have to feel our pain and what they put us through to understand how we feel too. It seems unfair that we need to bear this burden, yet they walk away with apparently no conscience or feelings of remorse. This is a deadly trap to let ourselves fall into!

How do we determine if we have any of these bad feelings still left undealt with? By talking excessively about the event or the person responsible, by bad-mouthing them, how it or what they did still bothers you, and by letting it get to you bringing bitterness or hatred into your heart. Do not hold onto those miserable feelings inside and allow them to interfere with your life. Forgive and truly let it go. Do this for yourself. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. But if you don't practice forgiveness, you will be the one who pays the most. Whether or not the person is a friend, family member, colleague, etc. who you want or need to keep in your life, they could be oblivious to your hurt and continue living out their lives. So, in saying this, if you hold onto unforgiveness, you see that this does not affect the other person in any way. This is for you, and you alone.

Keep this in mind also, what you say and what you do matters. When you show kindness to others, your words and actions have a positive ripple effect which spreads out to affect many people. The same thing happens when you are impatient, intolerant or indifferent to others. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Remember that the Law of Attraction or laws of Karma, works in that what we do or allow to happen to others, all comes back to us (in abundance). We have not to worry about this part, allow the natural course of action which God has structured into the Universe, to naturally run its course.

3. Rejection

We put our guard up, a defence mechanism against getting hurt all over again. Perhaps a new friendship or partner comes into our lives, yet we cannot find the strength to get close to them because of the way we were hurt in the past. Or perhaps we are so afraid of going through the same problems all over again that caused us hurt before. This is a very difficult thing to deal with, because the world is full of people out there with no regard for others. Myself, family and friends continue to get hurt often by thinking the next person will be different, but this is not so in many cases. A friend told me the other day, we should not let those who hurt us stop the ones that won’t, to come into our lives. He was so correct and inspiring by saying this. Fortunately, not all people are the same, and we should not let the ones that caused us harm get in the way of those who mean us well and are truly there for us. Let go of the ones that cause you drama, or aren’t really there for you. Life is too precious to waste on those that are self-serving or say they are there for you but aren’t. There are plenty of true friends and people out there who will not reject you, so focus on these one and forget about the rest. No need to worry about or overthink the situation, they will get what they deserve when it comes to their fate and the Karma which comes back. All we have to do is concentrate on ourselves (our own peace and happiness) and those who are truly there.

Although forgiveness can be very difficult, it is necessary. You need to set yourself free. There is a favourite quote of mine from author Lewis B. Smedes: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” So, how we do this? Certain clashes you have with others are inevitable. No two people are the same, and at some point there will be a difference of some sort. These things are unavoidable, especially when it comes to miscommunication, people letting you down, or any other small human error. These things are petty in the grand scheme of things, and could easily be forgiven. We are all human and make mistakes or take each other in the wrong way from time to time. Miscommunication is one of the biggest culprits, but never a reason to break up a relationship / friendship because of it. Such is life, as they say, and we all need to learn to own up for our own misgivings where due.

We are not perfect. We must forgive ourselves too. We did what we could at the time to the best of our knowledge what was right. We may have spoken some truth or made a decision that others did not like, but standing up for oneself and speaking out is not wrong. Learn to forgive and let go, in order to set yourself free from those burdens which hold us back. Be free to live your life without any care for the past and move on in the confidence that you don’t need to revisit any old thoughts, hurts or previous toxic relationships that kept you back in your life. Remember to live in the now, to make the most of your life and stay in your happy space all the coming days ahead.

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Remember this: Forgiveness is never about the other person, but yourself. It is about how we have let go of the hurt, how we no longer feel the effects of what happened to us, and how we have let it go and left it behind us in the past – where it belongs. Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to be friends with them again, it just means you have let everything go and not let the past experience and pain affect you anymore. When you can look back at an event or someone who caused you the pain without it affecting you (even when you are around that person) then you know that you have healed, you have forgiven, and you have moved on with your life. 

Let us strive to get to this point, for our own well-being and happiness. Be strong. Be uplifted and rise above the past. Let peace and love radiate from you, a light for all others to see.

Making Time for People and Priorities

The other day I was speaking with and encouraging a friend who has been going through a difficult patch of her life, when I came to realise that what we were talking about was this exact lesson I have learned in totality in this last year of my life. We were discussing the concept of time, the making use of the time you are given right now, and the fact that so much of it is wasted on the wrong things, activities and people. We need to have a balance, we agreed. As I have said in the past on many an occasion, time is not guaranteed to us and the ever-ticking clock of time stops for no-one.

For a while now, I have been focusing on what is truly important in my life. There are a few things that brought this on. For one; the constant reminders when speaking of my goals and dreams to friends, family, colleagues, etc. and realising I have not achieved a lot of them … yet! This along with the realisation as I approach my next birthday, and thinking how crazy it is that it is just around the corner again. It has been a busy year. However, this is not much of an excuse. I read something the other day by American Author H. Jackson Brown Jnr, where he speaks about this very thing in his book entitled, “Life's Little Instruction Book.” These are my favourite quotes, which have such relevance to this concept of time and life:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”
“The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.”

This got me to seriously start thinking on many things – things I think we all ponder on at times:
• What am I spending my time excessively and unnecessarily on?
• Am I being wise with the amount of time I have and doing the things I love doing (and better be doing, working towards my goals and dreams)?
• What can I do to simplify my life and focus on that really matters?
• Am I wasting time by doing too much of something that does not have much value or procrastinating when I could be doing other, more meaningful stuff?
• Is there anything that I still let bother my mind and overthink that causes me stress, and wastes my time letting problems / worries / people / work cloud my mind when I could be focusing on positive things that keep and make me happy and motivated?
• Are there any people I am ‘running after’ who aren’t bothering to make an effort – in other words, always texting / calling / trying to make plans when I could be focusing my attention on those that really want to be there (instead of saying they want to or will be, but then don’t)?

There is always room for improvement here. I don’t think we can fully master it, but we can get pretty close. We are only human after all. In my own life, I have made tremendous progress with this way of positive thinking over the years. Sometimes though, I find myself slipping off the edge of this high road I have climbed up for so long, only to find a good friend that’s been walking next to me reach out their hand of encouragement and hope – and I am back, stronger than ever. This visit with my friend was one of those times. We sat there talking about the wrong things and people taking too much of our valuable time. And so, like the proverbial light bulb going on above my head, I remembered that I originally had learned this lesson many years ago and this was just another one of those moments reminding me of this!

From what I learned this far through my own experiences and the lives of those around me, is that it really is not worth wasting your precious time on anything which is not contributing to your life. If you do not start prioritising now, before you know it, so much time has passed (and wasted) where we could be doing the things we love and work towards our future. Similarly the same is true if there is anyone who doesn’t go to the effort to spend time on you as you are trying to invest in them. Perhaps you find you are chasing after them by contacting them all the time and there is no reciprocation, no reply or no effort at all. This is when it is time to say goodbye and focus on the ones that really want to be part of your life and keep in contact. This is why, on almost all occasions, I withdraw myself and go silent for those type of people. People say a lot, which is why I watch what they do, and it will show if a person’s intentions are true because the two will match up. Why should any one of us always make all the effort, when it takes a mere several seconds to send a simple text if you cannot call or spend time with them. There is something that is called self-respect and loving oneself enough not to allow yourself fall into this trap. It is too easy, especially for us that care too much about those around us. We need to keep reminding ourselves of our worth and knowing that every type of relationship requires effort from both sides – no matter who you are. Don’t give up your time for the wrong people!

Tomorrow is not certain and it we should be using our time wisely and usefully. In the end, there is only so much of it! I have become very aware of my mortality over the years, especially after being in a few motor accidents, as well as having had a few friends and family pass away too soon. Once the time has passed, our window of opportunity closes where we had an opportunity to do something, go places, experience an adventure, spend time with someone important (especially family), or even to be with someone you want to share your life with. Once this moment or period has passed, it has passed! There is nothing you can do to go back. Make the most of whatever opportunity presents itself to you. Cut out anything or anyone that is wasting your time, effort, and affections. Don’t waste any more time. The time is right now, it is all we ever have. Dare to live, dare to experience life, and dare to make this your best life possible.

Be Adventurous!

Upon the work desk, my phone buzzed – a notification – it was my best friend who sent me a voice note. As I listened intently, I could hear the excitement in her voice: “My friend, you are the proud winner of a weekend away to Splashy Fen, a whole four days with me!” After a few seconds of the mind-numbing news, the realisation hit me and excitement filled my being. This music and arts festival is one I have wanted to go to for many years and is held every year over the long Easter weekend. Since I was younger, a lot of my friends had had the opportunity of experiencing it. Now it was our time. Finally. I had not ever won anything in my entire life, yet here was my friend making that a reality too by inviting me along after winning two tickets to go. This was to be a time I will never forget. “We’re going on an adventure!” I exclaimed back enthusiastically in a reply voice note, in true Bilbo Baggins style (if you have read the book or seen the film ‘The Hobbit’ by J.R.R. Tolkien, one of my favourites, you will understand the comparison). Our very own adventure, another of many which we enjoy so much together.

The days and weeks passed, rather slowly at times, as is the norm for anticipated events. But the day finally arrived, after much planning, discussing – and waiting. We were ready to go! Road trips are always a favourite of mine, travelling to different places you do not normally go and all the sights and smells to behold. The fresh air especially, when going into the countryside, is the best. Stopping along the way at another good friend of ours, we visited to say hello, and got spoiled with a delicious healthy smoothie but then were back on the road. The road was easy but fun, and our destination: Underberg. Set in the lower foothills of the Drakensberg, beautiful route, stunning venue and countryside where we found ourselves. Four days of camping, watching live concerts and acoustic performances, as well as arts and craft stalls to see, yoga sessions in the mornings to wake up and start your day the healthy way. Especially for those who had just a little bit too much to drink the night before. There were many of those. Some nursing hangovers or sleeping in from a late night the night before. Not us though, we were there to enjoy our time to the fullest. Let us not forget too, most importantly, time together and with the friends we ran into whilst there. Happy days!

Through this adventure I was reminded how vital and healthy it is to experience life in this way. It is so necessary to grab hold of opportunities and experiences that come our way, because these fill our being with joy and fulfillment. After all, we only have so much time to do them, or do all the things we love. As I have spoken of in the past, we never know when our time is up – so make it count. Go to lunch with your friends, call or text that friend you have not spoken to in a while, choose to take that road trip to your favourite beach out of town, get away from home and take a trip somewhere for a weekend, do spur of the moment things, step out of your comfort zone - even if just a little bit. The opportunities are endless. Similarly we could also decide the opposite. Perhaps today is the day we are staying in (instead of getting out as usual), and end up staying in bed (alone, with our partner, or with friends, and watch movies all day (especially during rainy weather, my favourite type). Whatever the case is, take the opportunity that is presented to you. Be adventurous! Explore, experience, enjoy! You won’t be sorry you did. You never know if the opportunity will present itself again.

What True Loyalty Really Means

Throughout this last year, I experienced some adversities with certain friends with regards to the matter of true loyalty and what it really means. This has been a long time in coming and I am glad to finally be ready to talk to you about this. In the past several months I have been going through a lot of various changes in my life: stress, difficulties, learning who to trust, as well as who I can count on and who not. These times I am thankful for. As bizarre as that may sound to some of you, the reason for this (and why I have reached this way of positive thinking) is that I have come to learn that these trials help us grow, strengthen, learn new truths, including showing us who is truly faithful and dependable in our lives. And so, either by our own choice or theirs – or that of what is fated to be – the wrong people are cut out of our lives, freeing us and making room for us to focus on the right people.

In light of all that’s happened over the past year, it is good that this post has been delayed, for all which has transpired has brought to me to deeper realisations on this subject. I have seen over the years that a large number of people live with a false sense of, or lack of, loyalties to their friends and families without really understanding what it is to be truly so. After studying this and experiencing it in my life, I found that true loyalty can be broken down into these primary qualities…

1. Loyalty has integrity

Firstly and most importantly, a true loyal person will have integrity also. What is integrity really? The dictionary describes it as: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character, wholeness, the quality of being honest and fair, undiminished and preserving of others around us. True loyalty is not mindless obedience. By being loyal, we aren't diminished to being someone’s servant, saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to everything they say, do, think or feel without questioning that person’s decisions or actions. This is what is known as “blind loyalty” where the person in question acts like a mindless slave obeying and agreeing to everything the other person they believe they are ‘loyal’ to, says or does. We are all worth much more than that! We are to act in the best interests of others. We need to preserve their lives, their morals, their souls. If someone is making the wrong decisions or treating another badly, then we are no better going along with it. Instead, we need to be accountable to each other to make sure neither of us steps off in the wrong direction. It is not always going to be that we agree with everything they say and do. People with integrity care for themselves and others completely, they uphold good character and morals – and do not condone any bad behaviour or nastiness of any kind.

2. Loyalty contains honesty

There is a quote by famous author Spencer Johnson who wrote, amongst other books, ‘Who Moved My Cheese?” He says, “Integrity is telling myself the truth, honesty is telling the truth to other people.” How profoundly true this is! Secondly after integrity, honesty is just as imperative when it comes to truly being loyal. One needs to be trustworthy, and this can only be earned by being truthful. A loyal person will share their honest opinion (even if it’s not always what you want to hear).  They are also one who is not two-faced, someone who is real, down-to-earth, has good morals and values. Dishonesty includes talking behind others’ backs – something I have had to deal with this last year which was one of the big things that sparked off this whole topic. What I have learned is if someone talks nasty about someone else to you behind their back, then the chances are almost assuredly that they’ll talk about you when you’re not around. A loyal person will be respectful of you away from your presence and uphold the truth instead of being quiet. They will defend your honour. They will say no to the opportunity to spread gossip or to even entertain it, because this kind of behaviour does not show true unconditional love or respect for those being spoken about.

3. Loyalty is respectful

To be truthful and full of integrity, also means we are respectful to others because we genuinely care for and are protective of them. Various negative emotions can get in the way of loyalty, such as: pride, stubbornness, jealousy, envy, anger, bitterness, hate, unforgiveness, grudges, etc. When looking up the meanings of what respect really is, I found these fitting descriptions:

- Due regard for the feelings, wishes or rights of others.

- Admire someone or something deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

- Show consideration to someone, thoughtfulness, attentiveness, politeness, courtesy, civility, appreciative for others, holding them in good esteem, cherishing and valuing them.

So, in other words, respect is for anyone you know and care about. It is not just respect for your elders, teachers, mentors, bosses, or anyone who has done something exceptional for you but for all people you care about and love. Respect would cover everything that is important to others: their lives, homes, everything they have worked hard for, talents, passions, honour, reputation as well as their decisions and choices.

4. Loyalty contains dedication

When it comes to our working life, I think we all know that this point is very true. However, I have found in any type of relationship, there needs to be some measure of dedication to the people we care about that motivates our loyalty to them. One cannot be loyal to something or someone they do not care about. After all, a loyal person is one who is there always, wherever and whenever they can. Amongst my closest friends, I have come to learn that the truly loyal ones are there when I need them – no excuses, no broken promises, no lies, and certainly no running after them on my part. These people show their dedication by reaching out to others, they care enough to pay attention to you and your life. Even if they cannot be there physically, their dedication will show in their effort to keep contact and show concern for you. They take action when they know you need assistance, cheering up, or just a little reminder to stay on track. It is in staying faithful to others in the face of adversity and hardship and not just when it is convenient for you. This dedication has nothing to do with taking sides, true friends and people do not do this.

5. Loyalty means having your priorities right

When our priorities are in the wrong order and on the things which are unhealthy for us or the ones we care about, our loyalty is either not one hundred percent or non-existent. It is as simple as that. For example; by focusing on other people, activities or interests instead of sticking by our friends, family or partners when you should be there through something they are battling, it basically means we are either not there wholeheartedly or at all. Our priorities should be in the right place. Yes, we should be thinking of us too and the things we love doing, but we also have certain people in our lives to whom we pledge allegiance, and to have successful relationships with them, we should remember they may need us from time to time. Just as in the same way we depend on and need them too at times.

6. Loyalty is selfless action, thought and deed

We already looked at and have seen that true loyalty is shown to those we care about. Ultimately for anyone who is important to us means that we are there for them selflessly, watching their back under any circumstances, is there always ready to help where we can. One who shares the same moral principles and genuinely shows (not just speaks) thoughtfulness, courtesy, and attentiveness to your life and who you are as a person. These type of people are there for you through everything, and not when it suits them – they will be present in the friendship / relationship always, someone to be counted on to help out if the need arises, even if in the smallest way. There will be no need for motivation or begging to help, the subtle yet clear indication will be there that their motives and feelings are sincere, considerate, compassionate and true. Loyal people are supportive for no other reason than that they care and normally practice random acts of kindness which will prove their words are not just words, but mean what they say and feel.

7. Loyalty means being dependable and trustworthy

A friend or person who is never really there, is not someone we can depend on. Now I am not talking about the times when this person has other plans because we all have our own lives. What this means is that they are there for us however they can, whenever they can. To want someone to be there all the time when we want, is a rather selfish idea to contain and is not true loyalty from our side, nor theirs. Like I mentioned earlier, it is not blind or mindless obedience but a dependable person who can be there to offer support, advice, a listening ear or just to be there for whatever it is we need. And vice versa. In other words: accountable. Whether we are going through a rough patch or not, it is not always about us – we need to have regard and consideration for the other person too, because each of us is battling with something different that life has brought our way. Being loyally dependable and trustworthy includes keeping a strict hold on our tongues, keeping our word / promises, and saying what we mean – to and behind people’s backs. Added to this, not gossiping or saying any nasty thing behind someone’s back, passing judgement, breaking commitments, or sharing any secrets or personal information or stories to others without their consent. As positive beings, we need to make sure our tongues are used for good and not evil. We should be builders, not murderers (murder / killing does not just have to do with the physical realm).

8. Loyalty is sincere, supportive, accepting

At the very core of true loyalty, is acceptance, always being supportive and sincerity to those you care about. A truly loyal person will be loyal because they want to, because they care, and perhaps also because they truly love you. These people accept you as you are, never forsake you or betray you and supports you through life. When it comes to this, it means real support and care for your own well-being. So as I have said before it means not accepting any wrongdoing nor following you like a slave, but standing up for good and true morals while having your physical, mental and spiritual psyche all on the top of their list of concerns. The best test of their loyalty is when you are not capable of reaching out to them anymore, because of an issue or situation you are going through, have moved away, become very sick, and so on – yet they are still there, whether in person or in spirit. Loyal people can see through this and stay available even when these stages in your life are over again, and so are always available to you in good and hard times. He/she will be one who is always in search for your happiness no matter what the situation is or circumstances are. This is unwavering loyalty in action.

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There are few heroes and heroines out there and I am fortunate to have been blessed by some of them as close friends and family members who have demonstrated that this vanishing trait is not completely dead. Just because someone is a family member, neighbour or friend does not mean that they will be loyal. Ideally, we wish that were true (and hopefully someday it is), but for now loyalty must be earned. What is the main motivating factor that makes a person loyal to another I have often wondered? The answer is simple: unconditional love. That's something we could all use a lot more of. Let’s try adopt these qualities in our lives where we are lacking and hopefully our world will become a far better place. 

7 Steps to Attaining True Happiness

So the last few months have been a busy time. Busy with life, and busy learning so much through all of the ups and downs I have encountered on the way. This year started out alike to how last year ended, full of troubles, sadness and obstacles on my path. But I resisted. Learning from previous experiences I have been through, I chose not to give in and let these issues get the better of me. Every time keeping focus on all the positives in my life, the truly important people still remaining in my life after some had left, and focused all my attention on the things that needed my attention. The months that ensued these negative events in my life were a little turbulent at first but as I kept my focus and positivity; I overcame it all, learnt a great deal, and found myself happy regardless. It has been difficult, I won’t lie. Today I can say I am truly happy with my life and all that I am blessed with: a permanent job finally after working hard towards this for so long, a beautiful home overlooking my town including a sea view, my own reliable transport, amazing friends and family, my good health, food at all times, clothing and warmth, running water and all the other comforts of home (to name but only a few).

How did I get to this point in my life, and how is it that I could stay so positive in the face of such adversity and carry on through it all? Friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances I have met along the way have asked me this. Perhaps it is time to share my successes I have achieved regarding this in more detail, in the hope that you too can apply these practices and lessons too and achieve success in this. Believe me, the road of life is never all a dark, cold, menacing and frightful road. It is made up of many ups, downs, flat roads, straight or windy paths, dark valleys and high mountaintops too. We just have to make the most of every step of the way of this magnificent life that we are blessed with, for everything happens for a reason and each stage is to teach you something, helping build and grow your character.

We should be living right now, in the present, today. The rest is untouchable, and no amount of stressing, worrying or over-thinking the past, future, and even today with all its trials and tribulations – will ever fix any of that. It robs today of its joy, steals your happiness and peace. This should not be so, for this moment shall never again come to pass. But how do we get to this place of harmony and sound thinking, I hear you ask. Well, there are numerous ways to achieve this, and all by the power of reconditioning our minds and our way of thinking. Everything starts with our attitudes. These affect our thoughts and way of thinking, which in turn determine our actions, which then affects our lives and ultimately, our future. Let’s look at the some various things we can start doing to get to this place of peace and having more of a sound, strong mind…

1. Focus on your blessings – not the negative, depressing troubles weighing you down
There are plenty of troubles and pains in this world and throughout your life, but what a lot of people do not realise is that there are far more blessings and positives to count than the negatives. Even when it may seem there is more bad points in your life to count than good, if you look closely, you will find so many blessings to be thankful for. By having an attitude of gratitude, we shift our focus from what is going wrong in our lives over to all the things going right. By doing this, you stop worrying so much over the bad and letting it have so much control in your life. Your thoughts, energy and time that was once spent over stressing and being depressed over the bad, becomes free. This freedom allows you to get focused on the people and things that matter and are still in your life. It ultimately helps you in not missing all that is right and good in your life, which is happening right now. These are things that deserve your time and energy. Forget about the rest.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others and learn to love yourself
You are unique, one of a kind. Beautifully created in every way, inside and out. Comparing yourself to someone else proves useless, one cannot compare two things of equal worth even though different but has equal usefulness and value. No-one is the same as another and this includes our distinctive array of talents and gifts. If you feel you are not gifted with anything useful then you still have a lot of work on yourself to do, including discovering more on learning who you are and what you are capable of. No person can ever be you or fill your place, nor can you do this for anyone else. You have been created to be you, so be just that and shine your own light for everyone else to see. It really does not matter what other people think of you, their opinions are not necessarily the truth and a totally biased viewpoint from how they see you or think about you. The only thing that matters is how you see yourself. There are many negative thoughts and questions we keep asking ourselves when comparing ourselves and lives, often caused by the importance we place on what others’ think of us. Things such as: why am I still alone and single, am I not good enough for my friends / family / partner, I am not as talented or gifted as he/she is, why can’t I be more beautiful or desirable, if only I could be as well-off as he/she, etc. There are an endless array of these, these are but a few. We should be shifting our emphasis off other people and comparing, back onto ourselves and focus on working on us. After all, we are the only ones accountable for our own soul, mind and heart – nobody else. When it comes to relationships of any kind, it is far worse to be trapped in one that is so wrong for you than to be without that person at all. Remember this! Your well-being of your heart, mind and soul is far more important. When you accept yourself, and this means totally – including your flaws and weaknesses – you will find yourself one step closer to self-acceptance, forgiving yourself for your own mistakes because you are only human and mess up from time to time like we all do. Finally you will be able to love yourself for the beautiful, amazing being you are created to be.

3. Find ways to put the past in the past, and keep them there
The past can often come back to haunt us, and this comprises of times where we have thought we have dealt with something and left it in the past but something happens to remind us of these hurtful or upsetting times. The truth of the matter is this: if we still get upset, are uncomfortable speaking of and cry over things that happened in the past, we have not yet gotten over them and still allow those occasions to affect us. In the events that involve people, it also means we have not forgiven them and harbour a grudge or resentment towards them. Once you reach a point where you can talk about something and not be upset over it, you have left it in the past once and for all. It then finally loses its power over your emotions, mind and life. Remember, forgiveness is essential in moving on and this means leaving it behind you completely. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person but has everything to do about you – you do this mostly for yourself and your own peace of mind. Whether you forgive someone or not, it doesn’t affect them in any way. You can hold a grudge as long as you live yet the other person can live a fulfilled happy life while you continue to suffer with constant thoughts on circumstances and individuals which you allow to continually hurt yourself. In the end, you basically end up hurting yourself by harbouring unforgiveness in your heart. We are all human and are flawed, just remember to learn to forgive yourself too and make peace with everything and everyone wherever you can.

4. Learn from what happened and apply it to your life now, for future experiences
No one likes to go through bad patches in our lives but I have learned we always have a choice: we can either let it affect us by having power and control over us, or we can decide to turn things around and use it for our own benefit. We can do this by using everything (yes everything – there is always a lesson to be learnt) to learn from, grow, strengthen, gain wisdom and insight that we can grasp from each situation. Every time you choose to learn from and get over a calamity in your life, you win! The way life works too, is that we sometimes go through the same lesson over and over again, until we learn what we need to from it. I never saw this in the past when I heard it from a friend, but it has proven so true in my life. Especially over the last two years when I could finally see it happening after I started examining my life and each hurdle I came to after that, and started making some changes in my attitudes towards these trials and adjusted my way of thinking. If you are battling to put something behind you, make sure you find a way how to and remember to look for the lesson to be learnt so that the next time you can avoid going through a similar experience, standing strong in the face of it.

5. Don’t worry over things you have no control over
I have spoken of this in a previous blog, on how my mum taught me this very valuable lesson. If there is nothing you can do about something your mind is occupied about, or if it is something that happened in the past, or even something that is yet to come – do not worry about it, there is no point! What amount of worrying, stressing, being anxious, or over-thinking (especially this, which can create a whole lot of new paranoid thoughts and feelings); can ever change that situation you are fretting over? Answer is absolutely nothing, it does not change a thing! So let it go, put it behind you and concentrate on what you can do now. If there isn’t anything you can do now, then there is no reason to worry and you are letting your mind and heart be robbed of its happiness and peace. You are also being robbed of your time doing so, which you will never get back again. Do not let this happen. Every moment in your day you have a chance to be happy about something, make each moment count. I feel that maybe we place too much importance and focus on the obstacles on the way, forgetting that these make us stronger to endure the rest of the journey and so help us become stronger to face any bigger obstacles that may come up in future. Too much focus is also placed on the past and all that happened before this, or what is yet to come including the worry and anxiety of what shall we do when this or that happens. Not past nor future occurrence is touchable, tangible and accessible. Do not burden your mind with these times.

6. Don’t worry about the opinions, actions and words of others
There is an old saying, “What others think of you is none of your business”. I heard this long ago but have only just recently in the last few years finally seized this knowledge and applied it to my life. We are all equal, none of us having dominion or any sort of authority over another as a human being. That includes making us feel any less of ourselves than what we are, we are all special and unique in our own right and no one should be allowed to make us feel any less than beautiful, amazing and good about ourselves. Nor should any have the power to decide what another person should be doing in their lives and how they choose to do it. If we want to do something because we love doing it, then no one else should tell us we cannot do it, or judge us for doing it (especially if they themselves are doing the same). By allowing yourself to listen to others opinions and nasty or judgemental remarks, you give that person power over you – to create misery, depression, oppression, hurt and frustration caused in your being and life. Don’t let this occur, take back control over your own life. Even if these people are those you care about, it does not matter! What matters is those that remain by your side and are on the same mission as you. The ones inspiring you, looking out for you and caring for you. Focus on these people and leave the rest behind. As hard as it is, we need to take care of ourselves too.

7. Focus on yourself, and what makes YOU happy
The best way to make yourself happy is to do what you love and by concentrating on your joys in life. This is turn creates happiness and satisfaction while you do these things – so in turn bringing about a cheerful environment, light aura and enjoyable mood about you. The more you do these activities, the happier you will find yourself, but we have to do this on a regular basis. I have learnt this in the recent months through the stresses and busy times of everyday life, that I too have been neglecting myself and my passions. I discovered that also by not allowing ourselves time like this for us, we neglect your own soul, mind and heart – we can easily fall into the trap of letting outside influences affect our life and joy. It is also found that setting some of your time on your loves in life, is a way of occupying the mind; getting it focused off the stresses, pains and frustrations of everyday life; and at the same time bringing your soul the rest, recreation and relaxation it needs. When it comes to self-love and self-acceptance, you have to realise that you deserve happiness, joy, peace and love. You deserve to do what you love doing, because that’s what YOU are all about. It is not about someone else. So look at focusing on those and do them today. It is so worth it, and so are you!

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Every moment you live is an opportunity for you to be happy. You know how sometimes it seems that life is just throwing you one curved ball after another? Well, guess what, you have a great way to respond! You can use every opportunity, every single one, to be happy. Enjoy your life. Don't just take a shower – feel and receive pleasure from the water on your skin, feel it washing away all the negativity and worries on your mind. Don't just take a walk – enjoy the sights and sounds all around you, the fragrances of the trees and the flowers. Don’t just eat and drink – take time to taste and enjoy eat bite or sip to the fullest. Don't just drive your car – sing to your favourite songs. Do everything with this approach and you will find yourself enjoying each moment of the day. Do not waste a single moment to find reasons to be happy, there are so many of them!

The Virtues of True Friendship

There is a lot that can be said for true friends, and what it all means. You find all kinds of quotes, proverbs and little pieces of wisdom that range from the same old mundane ones to really profound, deep explosions of enlightenment in your heart. For me, my close and oldest friends have always been my second family. I have learned a lot through many of them, yet much more also through all the friendship experiences I have found myself in, right through my life. And I am still learning. I learn all the while more and more which valuable and respected traits we should be looking out for to point out whether a friend is real, fake, or if their friendship is just a fickle one and falters at the first sign of trouble.

Recently, I have found myself thrown back onto a learning curve on the road of my life when it comes to this. Through various experiences and tough situations taking place in the last year and a half, it has reminded me of what virtues any true friend should possess. Like a metaphorical light bulb going on above my head, realisations have hit home. Illumination upon the dark corners of self-doubt in my heart, and suddenly I recalled once again what I am worth, what I deserve and how things should be. What it should be like for us all.

So what is being and having a true friend all about? These points below will explain it in more detail what I have learned, summing up all the qualities one finds in your real friends…

1. True friends are loyal
True friends remain equally loyal in both good times and bad. They will offer help without expecting anything in return and would change their plans to come to your aid. They will stand up for you when you need it and never do anything that will compromise your success or happiness. People who are there only when it is good for them, or when it’s too much for them to support you through your troubled times; are nothing more than ‘fair-weather friends’. These people are there for you only when the going is good. Now I don’t mean that they have to be there for you physically all the time, but a simple call or message to show they care should be enough to prove this. Indeed life gets busy, but there is always time to be found for the things and people who mean much to you.

I have had many experiences when I have felt all alone through my difficult times this past period of time. The ones who claimed they would be there and support me through whatever I was going through, mostly all disappeared from my life until it was convenient for them to return or when they wanted something from me or needed me. This should not be so! As true friends, we should be there through it all. Love is unconditional – not when conditions are right for us. I am so thankful for the friends I still have by my side who have been there constantly and feel so blessed by these special souls.

2. True friends are honest and real
Friends keep their word and do what they say they will do. They should be honest but never judgemental. They will be as real as they are at all times, whether it is over the phone, texting, online or in person. People who are themselves and not two-faced, nor pretend to be something they are not. A true friend is always honest no matter what. They will intervene if they see that something is seriously bad for you or if you’re going down the wrong path. It is your duty to tell the truth, even when you know that the truth may hurt and possibly even cost you your friendship (which it won’t if you keep to following the other traits here, stay honest, and let them know how much you value their friendship). In essence, honesty is essential in all relationships, and friendships are no exception. If you love your friends, have the decency and courage to be truthful always.

In the past, I have had associations with some people who have been the opposite of this, and it is not good going through being hurt by people being dishonest, superficial and false. Since last year, I lost a couple of friends who ended up due to dishonesty and deception. It was sad and hurtful to bear – but necessary. If you know me, you will know how much importance I place upon this very aspect. A lie or any deception can ruin a friendship, where telling the truth does not cause such devastation nor the bond of trust broken. The karma which comes back to you is tremendous, and mostly only surfaces later which is a far greater damage than being upfront about something right away. The truth always comes out, so be truthful always. Be who you are, no-one else can!

3. True friends respect you
Your true friends will always respect the person and not the position, title, or assets they may possess. They do not try to change their friends, but accept them as they are and respect their choices, beliefs, time and property.
- Choices are respected by not trying to control your friends’ lives and realising they have their own minds, likes and dislikes. Each of us are different. The choices I make, may not be best for my friend or any other person. Each of us have to make our own path through life, and should not judge another for the things they have chosen, whether good or bad.
- Beliefs are respected by not judging, condemning, attacking nor criticising your friends’ beliefs, ideals or morals. If you know that your friend has certain views and ethics, respect them – even if you don’t agree with them. Rather than try force our friends to believe what we do, or change their perception by manipulation, we have to respect our friends’ viewpoints and accept them completely. Not everyone looks at the universe around us the same way.
- Time is respected by not wasting it. Be punctual for appointments and let your friend know if you’ll be late or can’t make it at all. If you are late and you have let your friend know, then you have at least been honest and all involved can plan or reschedule accordingly. Mishaps and unforeseen circumstances do happen, we all need to be understanding of this fact. But it works both ways.
- Property is respected by not damaging it and taking care to treat your friends’ belongings with care and love as you would do your own. After all, it was not you who went to all the effort to work at building up their homes and belongings as they have. If something is lent to you, it was entrusted to you. Have the respect and decency to return it in the same condition. Same goes for paying back what is owed when you have been lent money – which one should not really be doing, if we care about their own well-being.

Sadly I can say that all of these have happened to me, as with most of you too I am sure. After countless times of people trying to get me to do something I did not want to do, using me, judging or making fun of me, or trying to change my beliefs in some way and so on – I am relieved and happy now that I have cut them out of my life. It is not worth it forever going through the stress of someone trying to force you to change yourself, go against what you want or believe in, or be influenced in any way. Your happiness and security needs to come first. You need to be respected.

4. True friends never talk bad about you
Something which cannot be emphasised enough is that true friends do not talk bad about their friends and also do not criticize, judge, or condemn them. True friends will always keep your secrets/business private and confidential. They also definitely do not gossip behind your back. Again if you love your friends why would you want to ruin their reputation and relationships with others because you have got a grievance against them, or nothing better to talk about? We were always taught that if you have not anything good to say, then rather be silent. The thing about gossip and bad talk that some do not realise, is that it always becomes a two-way effect – while you are tarnishing someone else’s name, at the very same time, you are also ruining yours. No-one is fond of being in the company of such a person and the negativity they bring over others. The general rule here is this: “Listen carefully to how a person speaks about others to you, this will determine how they will talk about you to other people. When someone is nasty or treats someone poorly, it says nothing about that person but a lot about them. The way people treat you is a statement about who they are as a human being, it is not a statement about you.” As I have said before, if you truly care for your friends, you will want to protect them in every way. So watch out for this.

In recent months, I have been through a very bad situation where this very thing has occurred. Certain friends have drifted away because they have listened and believed lies and unwholesome talk being spread about me. Sadly, some friendships have not been the same since. Without finding out the facts by first coming to me and getting the complete story, they have chosen to believe someone’s one-sided version of the truth. Let it be known, that true friends will not just keep from talking bad about their friends, they will also not believe stories when they hear bad talk coming from someone else. This brings me to my next point…

5. True friends do not take sides
True friends will stand by what’s right and not take sides. Echoing the same message as in point two where good friends who are honest will look for the truth, support it and not just blindly take sides when their friends are responsible for bad behaviour. Just because you are loyal to your friends, does not mean you must support them even when they are at fault. Take a stand in your friendships! We are to be accountable to each other, and if your friend says or does something unkind, you should be helping set them on the right path. If you are not doing this, then you are only thinking selfishly of yourself and your friendship with your friend. There are two reasons why people could fall into this way of thinking:
- Fear of what their friend or others will think, they will hold back from saying anything or standing up to their friend. This includes fear of losing their friendship, but true friends never part over something so trivial. Especially when you are caring for their best interests.
- Misunderstanding the meaning of loyalty to friends by blindly supporting their every action and word, not realising that by being loyal to our friends actually means supporting them by guiding them off the incorrect path and showing them where they are going wrong so that they can take responsibility to set their life right once more in a positive, uplifting way.

As I have mentioned in the last point, I have seen this happen first hand. We should be giving support and remaining impartial to whatever someone is going through, especially when it may involve someone else we know. Rather find out all the facts and work out the truth of the matter first, support your loved ones and care enough to point out the wrong and set them back on the right way. Otherwise all we are doing is hurting our friends who need our support instead of rejection, and so damaging their hearts and our precious relationships with them as well, and at the same time enabling bad habits and poor behaviour of our friend we have been 'loyal' to..

6. True friends believe in you, appreciate and encourage you 

Real friends will always value and appreciate you. They are in the business of building up, not breaking down their friends: whether in motivation, confidence, and especially self-esteem. Good friends will always be grateful for their friends who they have been blessed with and never take them for granted. They focus at all times on what they value about them, not on what they dislike. A true friend is also patient with you, forgiving, and are understanding when things need time to change or get better. Also, they won’t judge you even when you make silly mistakes because they accept us for who we are and will do what they can to be there and support us through anything we find ourselves going through – triumphs as well as failures.

One thing I can say for sure, is that this is especially true of my close friends who have been there for me through the hard, depressing and stressful times in my life. In the past several years I can think of numerous hardships I have had to endure. However if it were not for these extraordinary people in my life always encouraging me to not give up, supporting me through the difficult patches, and never letting me forget my worth; then I don’t know how I would’ve managed through what I have been through this far. 

7. True friends are always there

Helping without expecting a return favour, true friends will do this unconsciously in a heartbeat. They provide a shoulder to cry on, listen when you need someone to talk to and offer advice/support where they can offer it. They will also share their own successes with you when they achieve them, will celebrate yours when you achieve your own; but furthermore they will be there through the tribulations and failures you go through too. They are there through all times and definitely not only when things are good. If they cannot be there physically, they will show it in any number of ways: be it a call, message or keeping in contact in any other way. Furthermore, they will have your back and are always dependable to be there for you – if they can manage it. 

We have all have had good and bad experiences with this before. Not only have I had friends abandon me when I needed them most when I have needed help or support, but I have also had those who never left my side and were always able to count on them. Yes we all have our own lives to lead, but there is always time that can be made for the ones we love and care about. Even if one cannot be there physically, a simple message or call to check-in does perfectly well. It takes but a few seconds to do this, there is never such a thing as not enough time. The only misfortune here is that time can run away with us with our busy lives and keeping contact can slip our minds, but this is something we all need to prioritise and make sure we have a balance, for all that is important to us. The truth is people make time for what and who is important to them. A true friend is someone you can rely on. 

8. True friends never use you

When you have a true friend, you will never have to worry about them using you. Your safety, security and welfare will be on top of their list because they truly care for you. They will never take advantage of you, or like I was reading the other day on a different blog, even borrow money from or depend on you in any way and put you in in a position where you will end up in a financial predicament yourself. Once borrowed from you, aware of what trouble they themselves were in before, will not want you to be in the same place as they have been. True friends have your safety and security as a priority, this includes your finances because it affects your life and stability to provide for yourself. Don't let people use you or your good heart. Make sure no-one is doing this and filter out 'friends' like these because they only make things worse for you – it may be financial, emotional, physical or any other thing they are relying on you solely for. Friendships are a partnership where you help one another, not only the one depending on the other. Be aware of this.

I have been in situations such as these, and often come out worse off, and even to the point of still paying for that today. The last few years have been tough going through this with my ex and certain friends who have caused me to end up in financial crises. As a result, I have been living a life of struggling to make ends meet every month. It’s not worth it. Take a stand, have some self-respect and self-worth knowing you deserve better and put your foot down. If you end up suffering by paying for someone else to live better and they have no regard for you being in a worse-off situation, it's time to reassess that friendship (or relationship).

9. True friends have your best interests at heart – not what is best for them

Friends do not encourage you to violate your morals and principles, neither do they allow other friends to persuade you to do so. Again, if they are a real friend, they will care about you and respect your beliefs, standards, morals and values (as mentioned earlier). Do not allow your friends to persuade you to do things that you know are not in your best interest or you do not want to do. There is a difference in having fun and crossing the line in making you uncomfortable doing something you do not want to. This is something of great wisdom I learnt from my mum, which I mentioned in a previous blog post not too long ago. Just remember you need not step down from your high standards or morals of living because someone wants you to. Stay focused, stay true to yourself. Similarly, if they see you doing something foolish, making an unwise decision, spending money you don’t have (that probably should be going elsewhere), treating someone badly, getting into the wrong relationship – or whatever the situation may be – they will step up to the plate and be there for you to show you the right path. Your real friends will look out for you and have your well-being at heart.

When I was in the last grade of primary school I found myself making friends with a lot of my classmates, including two of the naughty boys with whom I had mutual friends. One day whilst hanging around with these guys, I ended getting into trouble because of them, all because of the peer pressure and disturbance they were causing our class. They were trying to get me to join in on their plans. Luckily I knew in my heart that it was wrong and felt terribly uncomfortable with it because it was going against my morals, standards and who I am as a person. Unfortunately for me though, my amazing teacher who had such trust in me caught them out just in time. And I was in trouble too, being associated with them just for being present. He was disappointed, but I was even more so. This was one of my first lessons on friendship. This taught me from a young age to be aware of the friends you keep and to choose wisely only those who look after you in every way. 

10. True friends are forever

When you have the ability to not see each other for long periods of time but nothing changes in your friendship with one another, then you have found a true friendship that could possibly last forever. These will be the friends that stay in touch, even if by the smallest measure of contact. Sometimes a period of time could go by and you could perhaps not have spoken for a while. Yet everything stays the same: the communication flows, the way you are with one another has not changed, your meaningful conversations, and so forth are all still so meaningful. Make sure you maintain your friendships with periodic quality communication by email, text, phone, and in-person. I know sometimes this is easier said than done, but it is necessary. We all have busy lives to lead, but as I have mentioned before, it literally takes moments to send a short message or even picking up the phone to call. Of course, on the other hand, if you realise you are the one continuously messaging and contacting certain friends all the time with not much reciprocation, then maybe it is time to stop and focus on the ones who equally show you the same. The last thing you want to do is focus on running after a whole group of people who don’t care as much as you do for them, then end up not having enough time and neglecting the really important ones you should be focusing on instead! 

In the past, I found myself doing this and I have had to make a conscious decision to keep checking and reminding myself to refocus. Life is too uncertain to concentrate on the wrong people. If they really love, care, support you and want to be in your life, then they will be there. It will show. Cherish, enjoy and revel in the moments you have with your friends, they may not be there forever. I have lost two friends in the last few years and there were times where I was very hard on myself for not making enough time while they were still alive. The truth is I was running after everyone, driving after everyone and trying to do the best I could from my side to keep contact and visit them all. This was a very big awakening in my life. When I realised these two friends were gone and I had wasted my time running after the wrong people who did not bother to for me, I decided that I needed to start looking more closely at my friendships and pay attention to the right ones. No matter what, if a friendship is true it will not change one bit. True friends are forever.

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There is an old saying which says we can’t choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Choose wisely, whether it be with who you spend your time with or an improvement in yourself you need to make to be a better friend. I believe we all will always have room for growth and this process never ends. I have found through various ups and downs in my own circles, has helped me realise which friendship needs re-evaluation, or whether I have weaknesses I need to work on within myself.

Be careful when you find yourself going through trials, to not allow the wrong types of people taint your life and happy place by bringing you down in any way. Use the bad experiences to learn from, to grow, to improve your life. Sometimes constant evaluation is necessary to make sure you are letting the right people into your space. Strengthen your friendships by sharing fun, exciting, and intellectual experiences. Take the time, show your care and concern. Remember friendships are bound by common interests, shared values, mutual respect, and love. If you find all these qualities in your friendships, you are bound to have a friend for life. 

How to Survive a Break-up

If you know me and what has been happening in my life recently, you will know some of the relationship issues I have had to face for the last two years. Through all of the experiences I have had during this time and the years before, I learned a lot which have enlightened my heart and mind when it comes to love and life. Today I would like to share seven wise lessons I learnt to surviving breakups, in the hopes that they may assist with your own healing if you may be going through a similar situation, now or in the future…

Don’t blame yourself when you’re not at fault

Some of you who I know personally or have been following my blog since the beginning, may remember the unpleasant relationship I had got caught up in the year before last. I have spoken of it scarcely here, but my close friends and family will all know the story. It was a cutting situation which left me broken, emotionally wounded, and mentally scarred. The worst part of this was that as I started recovering I noted that I was beginning to blame myself for a lot of things. Eventually though, after hearing how worthless you are and being made to feel unwanted and unlovable, it is so easy to start believing it. Those of you who have not endured this will perhaps not understand what it is like, and I hope you never have to. Luckily my experience with this was short-lived. Coupled with the amazing support from my loved ones and me having learnt the lesson before in my life, I finally learnt once and for all that you should never blame yourself for the mistakes and indecency of other people. Everyone is to answer for their own shortcomings and if that person has hurt, betrayed, deceived or lied to you, then it is on them. There is no excuse for bad behaviour!

Forgiveness is crucial for your own well-being

It was a tough few months of recovery after that ordeal, followed by saying goodbye to a close friend, who I thought was true. At the time I was also working in an abusive unfriendly environment in the previous company I was employed by, then months later ended up in a relationship I did not want to be in in the beginning. I should have followed my intuition, and remained focused on where I wanted to be and who I wanted by my side, instead of ending up with someone who was like the majority of those out there. Yet, I gave it a chance as I was told it ‘would be different this time’. I believed it, but was so wrong. And so, I was hurt all over again. However, I made it through, learned to let go and became even wiser on the lesson of forgiveness. Holding on to unpleasant feelings or past hurts only entraps us in a prison full of grief, while the other person feels no effect. Forgiveness is all about you, and letting yourself free. Escape from feeling any negative thing, and be happy. There are so many things that one can be joyful about and so much we are blessed with, including all those people who still love you and who never do leave your side.

Guard your heart but guard it from turning to stone

Before my last very short-lived relationship and after breaking my friendship off with a false friend, I struggled for a while with this. One evening when chatting with a friend, a huge misunderstanding ended up with him getting hurt in the process by me snapping back. I quickly recognised that my heart had turned cold and hard as stone. Walls had been built around my heart to guard it and I wanted to make sure it could not be broken again. I wanted to be safe. I decided this would not do if it meant those I cared about were affected by this condition too; so I focused my attention on the correct people. I recovered through the love, strength, support and care they all poured out into my life… and healed. And then I met him. It seemed I had met the right person at last. After the first few weeks learning quickly of the things going on behind my back and hurtful things being said all over, I feared I may be thrown back to that place of despair again, ruining all my progress thus far in getting over past sufferings. Thankfully I did not, I was prepared this time and it became much easier to let go. Even if it was not me who let go first. It is too easy to allow our hearts not to care anymore and not worth it letting your personality become compromised just because some people selfishly hurt you. In the end they walk away without a conscience and you are the one who is left broken. Be strong, and keep your heart open to those beautiful souls you are blessed with.

Learn to let go, but don't lose the lesson

Although it may seem the end of the world when a breakup befalls you, you need to remember that as the bad or unnecessary is removed from your life, that it only makes room for wonderful things and new people to enter in. This also means you have to be more careful the next time and learn from what you went through. Remember, it is all for a reason. There is always a lesson to be learnt, even if we do not see it at first. Many times after a breakup, I found myself being my own enemy by tormenting myself with overthinking the situation, as well as letting the despair and sadness get to me. We have to let it go: anything that does not bring us happiness so that we can live free, happy lives. In the end, I managed to learn something useful. The trick is to let go and trust that all will be well, to focus on what is truly important in your life, and to stop worrying over things beyond your control. The reality is, you cannot control anything that comes your way, but we can chose how we react to it and what our attitudes are in response to what takes place. Although it is never good nor is it pleasant going through tough situations, if you can learn something, improve yourself and become stronger through it, then you can always turn a negative into something positive. Sometimes it just takes a little longer. If you keep an attitude of faith and positivity, you can’t go wrong.

Focus on those who never left

After I let go of the people who were causing me harm in my life, the realisation hit me Valentine’s Day last year. If you have not yet read my blog post on this, please do! This may be one of the most profound things I learned through all these difficult times. Finally learning that to help us through any break-up, the focus should not be on the one who left but rather on those who are still there. Of what help will it be fretting over those who don’t even bother about you, and so easily leave your side? Before you end up running after people who clearly do not care as much as you, remember the ones who do. They could so easily be taken from this life before you enjoy as much time as you want with them. I learned this a few years ago when a friend passed away after months of us continually postponing our time spent catching up – all because I was chasing people who don’t bother making an effort in my life. I regretted this for a very long time. Don’t let this be you. You are surrounded by those you love and who have always proven to be there for you, even though some leave. Through the support and strength they provide, you can get through any kind of heartache. That is what true friends and family are there for, we are not created nor meant to live through this life alone.

Spoil yourself, you deserve it

One of the simplest ways to be happy, is to cut out what is making you sad – anything that is bringing grief to your heart, mind and soul. Do yourself a favour by taking some time out for you, do the things you love and have a passion for. These will be all the things you really enjoy and that which truly brings you delight and satisfaction: your interests, hobbies, sports, etc. Not forgetting being around people who contribute to your happiness and share in your joy. Go shopping and do a little retail therapy, go out to lunch/dinner with friends, watch a movie or go somewhere in nature. For myself, I find writing or yoga works well, playing a computer game to get my mind off things, or putting my earphones in and listening to my favourite happy music – even dancing, it is good for the soul! Going to the beach or to a nature reserve (there are three close by to my apartment) I find quite relaxing, soothing and inspiring. It is good for the soul to surround yourself with peace and harmony, and anything that brings happiness to your soul. Treat yourself and let the healing begin!

Making wiser choices, focusing on your happiness

As the old proverb goes, “happiness starts with yourself”. But what does this mean? It means the decision to be happy starts within us – we alone are responsible. Other people, passions and things can contribute happiness into our lives, but we ultimately need to decide to be. It means choosing to be grateful for what and who you have in your life, not wanting more (there are many who have far less) or want for anyone else other than your partner you are destined to be with at that moment in time. It means enjoying my day in spite of what is happening around me, that I will enjoy this day because I am alive, I am free and blessed – despite my circumstances – and no matter what, I know who I am, what I want, and that there is a better plan for me (those of you who believe, like I do, that it is God's timing). Hold on to the things and people of value in your life, make sure you are not throwing anyone away for the ‘next best thing’ or because you are hurting too much and building walls to protect yourself. Take care of you, but don’t let harsh words come out of your mouth and hurt those you love. Take care of their hearts too! We cannot let ourselves stoop to the same level others treat us. We must not leave a trail of broken hearts behind … for which you will be responsible alone. Make sure you are happy first and over past hurts before moving on with your life.

Sometimes you need to let go. Yes, it hurts when the things or the people we love are taken from us and removed from our lives. Make your peace with the loss. Nothing lasts forever. Like the trees in autumn, you too must learn to shed your attachments and start afresh. Take heart because every situation, both good and bad, lines your path up with the right people you need to meet along the way. Some will teach you, some will guide you, some you need to be there for a time, others will be forever. Make wiser choices the next time you meet someone and be careful for not everyone you meet is your friend nor has your best interests at heart. It is rather better to get to know somebody first, and make sure you are vigilant of letting the right individuals into your life, perhaps the right soul into your heart. You never know, you may find you have known your soulmate all along!

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 5 - Love

Through the past several weeks, we have been looking at some of the significant points to build happy, successful relationships. Today we look at the final installment for the first part of this series, which looks at one of the most important traits we should ensure to nourish, primarily in all our personal relationships with our friends, family and partners. Quite appropriate too, with this falling on Christmas – a time to give and share love with all those people that mean so much to us. This is something we need to place a lot of focus on, because without love, our relationships are meaningless. Love needs to be our firm foundation!

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Love

I am sure most of you have heard the famous scripture on love: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, it never gives up, it never ends" (taken from the Christian Bible, 1 Corinthians 13). What I like about this scripture is that it teaches us the universal laws of love. It is an exact representation of how real, true love should exist in our lives. Anyone from all walks of life will read it and relate, no matter what age, gender, race or belief.

If we truly love someone, it will show not just in our words, but our actions as well. I cannot reiterate this enough. You will not doubt the love someone has for you if what they say and what they show you matches up. We will want the best for them, want for their happiness, want to share our lives and share experiences with them, and take a vested interest in them, including paying attention to details of their lives – their passions, loves, wants, and needs. Something that inspired me  taught to me by my mum, grandmother and certain friends, is that when you find someone like this who you find a happy place with, do not let them go because people like that are hard to find.

In many failed romantic relationships, we often hear of how one or both people “fall out of love” some time before the break-up, and this can cause a myriad of other problems along the way. Sure, the feelings of being in love can be carried through the relationship if you work at it enough and find ways to be happy (the trick is to be happy yourself first), but it will not necessarily stay the same. This is because relationships evolve and grow much deeper as the days go by, love grows as well as acceptance and the bonds of friendship shared. You start off with being in love, and eventually grow and come to love that person – a much more mature and surely meaningful sense of love. Also why you will find a break up of a relationship of a few weeks to a month is far easier to go through, than one of a few months to years on. The same philosophy would apply with friendships as well.

Once you really get to know one another, you get to learn a lot of other things about them, and some may not seem very lovable. The point is, will you be mature enough to learn to love them as they are, with all you have and completely? Or will you let the few minor things or your own judgements get in the way of what could be a truly rewarding relationship? Don’t fall into the trap of letting go of something potentially special because of minor things. None of us are perfect at the end of the day, and unless you are being shallow because you have your sights set on someone else because you are not willing to actually work at making it work, betrayed that person, or have cheated them, then you must at least try your best. Forgetting and losing sight of why we fell in love in the first place and all the things which attracted us to each other in the beginning (romantic relations), or the reasons why we became friends once upon a time should not happen – ever. Do not let the stresses in life, past issues or hurts, hang-ups with self, petty arguments, or assumptions of any kind get in the way because true love does not come around much in life, except maybe a couple of times, and decent people are truly difficult to come by these days.

I have said goodbye to a few people, some of their own accord, and I can definitely say I have never been happier. Any normal decent person will not destroy love, hope, faith or trust in others and it is always better to let them go, rather than be dragged down causing you untold misery and sadness. It does not matter who it is, if they are hurting you – let them go! You are worth much more than to have people in your life that don’t really love you and cause you grief. As hard as that may sound, we need to do this, because often God makes room for the right people by removing those who are wrong for you. It is all for your good at the end of the day, even if we cannot see it at the time. I have seen this happen with family, friends, partners, and business relationships in my lifetime already. Yet afterward I have seen how much better off we are when these toxic situations are purged from our lives. None of us deserve to suffer going through them.

Stay committed, stay faithful, loyal and true always. Focus on loving those you are gifted with. You have been blessed with them for a reason! If we fail to recognise and appreciate those special souls, guaranteed someone else will. But at what cost? We are accountable and responsible for any hurt we place on others, and the karma which comes back, is multiplied as well. So be careful to guard all those you have been blessed with, for their sake as well as your own. Each soul is precious, including your own. Remember that. 

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If we have all these key features in our relationships, we can weather the proverbial storms of life together and be safe and secure in the relationships we have built with those precious to us. Always hold on to love, it is one of the best things in life! A blessed gift which does not come around often. If there is something problematic interfering and holding you back, always work on resolving things first and repairing what you can instead of throwing it away.

Wishing you all a very blessed Christmas, it is a time all about sharing and showing how much you love. May you be truly happy all your days to come, surrounded by love and good people who are right for you. And so on that note, I am taking a moment to share love with you special people that mean so much to me and let you all know how you have enriched and added value to my life. You are all special and amazing in your own right, and all close to my heart always. Wishing you all a beautiful, exciting and amazing year ahead. Merry Christmas and have an awesome New Year!