How to Survive a Break-up

If you know me and what has been happening in my life recently, you will know some of the relationship issues I have had to face for the last two years. Through all of the experiences I have had during this time and the years before, I learned a lot which have enlightened my heart and mind when it comes to love and life. Today I would like to share seven wise lessons I learnt to surviving breakups, in the hopes that they may assist with your own healing if you may be going through a similar situation, now or in the future…

Don’t blame yourself when you’re not at fault

Some of you who I know personally or have been following my blog since the beginning, may remember the unpleasant relationship I had got caught up in the year before last. I have spoken of it scarcely here, but my close friends and family will all know the story. It was a cutting situation which left me broken, emotionally wounded, and mentally scarred. The worst part of this was that as I started recovering I noted that I was beginning to blame myself for a lot of things. Eventually though, after hearing how worthless you are and being made to feel unwanted and unlovable, it is so easy to start believing it. Those of you who have not endured this will perhaps not understand what it is like, and I hope you never have to. Luckily my experience with this was short-lived. Coupled with the amazing support from my loved ones and me having learnt the lesson before in my life, I finally learnt once and for all that you should never blame yourself for the mistakes and indecency of other people. Everyone is to answer for their own shortcomings and if that person has hurt, betrayed, deceived or lied to you, then it is on them. There is no excuse for bad behaviour!

Forgiveness is crucial for your own well-being

It was a tough few months of recovery after that ordeal, followed by saying goodbye to a close friend, who I thought was true. At the time I was also working in an abusive unfriendly environment in the previous company I was employed by, then months later ended up in a relationship I did not want to be in in the beginning. I should have followed my intuition, and remained focused on where I wanted to be and who I wanted by my side, instead of ending up with someone who was like the majority of those out there. Yet, I gave it a chance as I was told it ‘would be different this time’. I believed it, but was so wrong. And so, I was hurt all over again. However, I made it through, learned to let go and became even wiser on the lesson of forgiveness. Holding on to unpleasant feelings or past hurts only entraps us in a prison full of grief, while the other person feels no effect. Forgiveness is all about you, and letting yourself free. Escape from feeling any negative thing, and be happy. There are so many things that one can be joyful about and so much we are blessed with, including all those people who still love you and who never do leave your side.

Guard your heart but guard it from turning to stone

Before my last very short-lived relationship and after breaking my friendship off with a false friend, I struggled for a while with this. One evening when chatting with a friend, a huge misunderstanding ended up with him getting hurt in the process by me snapping back. I quickly recognised that my heart had turned cold and hard as stone. Walls had been built around my heart to guard it and I wanted to make sure it could not be broken again. I wanted to be safe. I decided this would not do if it meant those I cared about were affected by this condition too; so I focused my attention on the correct people. I recovered through the love, strength, support and care they all poured out into my life… and healed. And then I met him. It seemed I had met the right person at last. After the first few weeks learning quickly of the things going on behind my back and hurtful things being said all over, I feared I may be thrown back to that place of despair again, ruining all my progress thus far in getting over past sufferings. Thankfully I did not, I was prepared this time and it became much easier to let go. Even if it was not me who let go first. It is too easy to allow our hearts not to care anymore and not worth it letting your personality become compromised just because some people selfishly hurt you. In the end they walk away without a conscience and you are the one who is left broken. Be strong, and keep your heart open to those beautiful souls you are blessed with.

Learn to let go, but don't lose the lesson

Although it may seem the end of the world when a breakup befalls you, you need to remember that as the bad or unnecessary is removed from your life, that it only makes room for wonderful things and new people to enter in. This also means you have to be more careful the next time and learn from what you went through. Remember, it is all for a reason. There is always a lesson to be learnt, even if we do not see it at first. Many times after a breakup, I found myself being my own enemy by tormenting myself with overthinking the situation, as well as letting the despair and sadness get to me. We have to let it go: anything that does not bring us happiness so that we can live free, happy lives. In the end, I managed to learn something useful. The trick is to let go and trust that all will be well, to focus on what is truly important in your life, and to stop worrying over things beyond your control. The reality is, you cannot control anything that comes your way, but we can chose how we react to it and what our attitudes are in response to what takes place. Although it is never good nor is it pleasant going through tough situations, if you can learn something, improve yourself and become stronger through it, then you can always turn a negative into something positive. Sometimes it just takes a little longer. If you keep an attitude of faith and positivity, you can’t go wrong.

Focus on those who never left

After I let go of the people who were causing me harm in my life, the realisation hit me Valentine’s Day last year. If you have not yet read my blog post on this, please do! This may be one of the most profound things I learned through all these difficult times. Finally learning that to help us through any break-up, the focus should not be on the one who left but rather on those who are still there. Of what help will it be fretting over those who don’t even bother about you, and so easily leave your side? Before you end up running after people who clearly do not care as much as you, remember the ones who do. They could so easily be taken from this life before you enjoy as much time as you want with them. I learned this a few years ago when a friend passed away after months of us continually postponing our time spent catching up – all because I was chasing people who don’t bother making an effort in my life. I regretted this for a very long time. Don’t let this be you. You are surrounded by those you love and who have always proven to be there for you, even though some leave. Through the support and strength they provide, you can get through any kind of heartache. That is what true friends and family are there for, we are not created nor meant to live through this life alone.

Spoil yourself, you deserve it

One of the simplest ways to be happy, is to cut out what is making you sad – anything that is bringing grief to your heart, mind and soul. Do yourself a favour by taking some time out for you, do the things you love and have a passion for. These will be all the things you really enjoy and that which truly brings you delight and satisfaction: your interests, hobbies, sports, etc. Not forgetting being around people who contribute to your happiness and share in your joy. Go shopping and do a little retail therapy, go out to lunch/dinner with friends, watch a movie or go somewhere in nature. For myself, I find writing or yoga works well, playing a computer game to get my mind off things, or putting my earphones in and listening to my favourite happy music – even dancing, it is good for the soul! Going to the beach or to a nature reserve (there are three close by to my apartment) I find quite relaxing, soothing and inspiring. It is good for the soul to surround yourself with peace and harmony, and anything that brings happiness to your soul. Treat yourself and let the healing begin!

Making wiser choices, focusing on your happiness

As the old proverb goes, “happiness starts with yourself”. But what does this mean? It means the decision to be happy starts within us – we alone are responsible. Other people, passions and things can contribute happiness into our lives, but we ultimately need to decide to be. It means choosing to be grateful for what and who you have in your life, not wanting more (there are many who have far less) or want for anyone else other than your partner you are destined to be with at that moment in time. It means enjoying my day in spite of what is happening around me, that I will enjoy this day because I am alive, I am free and blessed – despite my circumstances – and no matter what, I know who I am, what I want, and that there is a better plan for me (those of you who believe, like I do, that it is God's timing). Hold on to the things and people of value in your life, make sure you are not throwing anyone away for the ‘next best thing’ or because you are hurting too much and building walls to protect yourself. Take care of you, but don’t let harsh words come out of your mouth and hurt those you love. Take care of their hearts too! We cannot let ourselves stoop to the same level others treat us. We must not leave a trail of broken hearts behind … for which you will be responsible alone. Make sure you are happy first and over past hurts before moving on with your life.

Sometimes you need to let go. Yes, it hurts when the things or the people we love are taken from us and removed from our lives. Make your peace with the loss. Nothing lasts forever. Like the trees in autumn, you too must learn to shed your attachments and start afresh. Take heart because every situation, both good and bad, lines your path up with the right people you need to meet along the way. Some will teach you, some will guide you, some you need to be there for a time, others will be forever. Make wiser choices the next time you meet someone and be careful for not everyone you meet is your friend nor has your best interests at heart. It is rather better to get to know somebody first, and make sure you are vigilant of letting the right individuals into your life, perhaps the right soul into your heart. You never know, you may find you have known your soulmate all along!

Setting Goals: New Year’s Resolutions, practical or not?

So here we are, at the dawn of a new year. As I look back on the previous months (my usual annual 'ritual'), I reflect on all that I have accomplished and oftentimes, all the goals that I have not yet achieved. I used to get quite despondent, and sometimes the sneaky feeling of failure crept into my mind. A few years ago, when I reached my 30’s, I realised that my list of ‘resolutions’ I once made, did not get very far to completion. Most of those on the list, did not even make it. Frustrated and at times in depression, I found myself wondering what to do that could turn things around for myself.

So I started making a list of short and long term goals, then by looking at this list often, working out what can I do to bring myself closer to them. Getting older is serious business, especially when you want to get far in life – or at the very least, get to certain milestones and successes one strives to reach. Resolutions are quite useless I have come to learn, and luckily not too late, unless we are going to make a conscious effort to stick to them. We simply cannot say, "this year I am going to do..." and then keep on repeating our resolutions and try to get around to it. No, this ends up just being words without action. We need to work out a plan and specific goals on how to get there. Break it down, step by step, and focus on them individually. Remember what I always say, about actions that speak louder than words?  Well this works entirely in all situations. We need to make sure we set all our goals, and try with all our might and try do what we possibly can to get there.

When you reach a certain age, you may find yourself looking behind, seeing how far you come and find yourself not where you ought to be or not having progressed as far as you would have wanted to. Or you may even look ahead in fear, worrying that you may not ever get there. However, there is good news! Although these things may be true, we cannot change the past. It is impossible to go back to undo one single moment, one single wrong decision or any difficult situation that has occurred. Equally, we have no power over what tomorrow may bring, we may have even left this life when that day comes. But – and this is a very big ‘but’ – we do have the choice to live in the here and now, it is all we ever are guaranteed of. You can make decisions and choices right now, to change the course of your future. You can ultimately write your own story for the coming days ahead.

Certainly, bad days will come. Stressful periods and circumstances will rise up against you in apparent defeat. People will come and go, good times will pass, but only for a time. Everything in this life is temporary. Although some things may last, such as true love, friendship, family and other blessings – not everything stays constant. Just please, whatever you do, do not give up and do not despair! Do not for one minute think that things will not change for the better – because they do. It is all in your attitude and the way you handle what comes your way, that determines how you fare through those rough stormy seas. Stay positive, stay focused and keep working at how to get through what you are facing and keep working towards your goals. Even if one by one, working down your list of goals, will get you there eventually.

If it so happens you find yourself at the end of the year and looking at your goals for the past year and find yourself feeling down because you have not achieved all you want, you will at least still have made progress. Make another list, start the new year with the same enthusiasm, positivity and joy – knowing you will work at the next lot of goals (even if some of them are from the year previously) – and keep moving forward. Don't stand still. You can do it!

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 5 - Love

Through the past several weeks, we have been looking at some of the significant points to build happy, successful relationships. Today we look at the final installment for the first part of this series, which looks at one of the most important traits we should ensure to nourish, primarily in all our personal relationships with our friends, family and partners. Quite appropriate too, with this falling on Christmas – a time to give and share love with all those people that mean so much to us. This is something we need to place a lot of focus on, because without love, our relationships are meaningless. Love needs to be our firm foundation!

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Love

I am sure most of you have heard the famous scripture on love: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, it never gives up, it never ends" (taken from the Christian Bible, 1 Corinthians 13). What I like about this scripture is that it teaches us the universal laws of love. It is an exact representation of how real, true love should exist in our lives. Anyone from all walks of life will read it and relate, no matter what age, gender, race or belief.

If we truly love someone, it will show not just in our words, but our actions as well. I cannot reiterate this enough. You will not doubt the love someone has for you if what they say and what they show you matches up. We will want the best for them, want for their happiness, want to share our lives and share experiences with them, and take a vested interest in them, including paying attention to details of their lives – their passions, loves, wants, and needs. Something that inspired me  taught to me by my mum, grandmother and certain friends, is that when you find someone like this who you find a happy place with, do not let them go because people like that are hard to find.

In many failed romantic relationships, we often hear of how one or both people “fall out of love” some time before the break-up, and this can cause a myriad of other problems along the way. Sure, the feelings of being in love can be carried through the relationship if you work at it enough and find ways to be happy (the trick is to be happy yourself first), but it will not necessarily stay the same. This is because relationships evolve and grow much deeper as the days go by, love grows as well as acceptance and the bonds of friendship shared. You start off with being in love, and eventually grow and come to love that person – a much more mature and surely meaningful sense of love. Also why you will find a break up of a relationship of a few weeks to a month is far easier to go through, than one of a few months to years on. The same philosophy would apply with friendships as well.

Once you really get to know one another, you get to learn a lot of other things about them, and some may not seem very lovable. The point is, will you be mature enough to learn to love them as they are, with all you have and completely? Or will you let the few minor things or your own judgements get in the way of what could be a truly rewarding relationship? Don’t fall into the trap of letting go of something potentially special because of minor things. None of us are perfect at the end of the day, and unless you are being shallow because you have your sights set on someone else because you are not willing to actually work at making it work, betrayed that person, or have cheated them, then you must at least try your best. Forgetting and losing sight of why we fell in love in the first place and all the things which attracted us to each other in the beginning (romantic relations), or the reasons why we became friends once upon a time should not happen – ever. Do not let the stresses in life, past issues or hurts, hang-ups with self, petty arguments, or assumptions of any kind get in the way because true love does not come around much in life, except maybe a couple of times, and decent people are truly difficult to come by these days.

I have said goodbye to a few people, some of their own accord, and I can definitely say I have never been happier. Any normal decent person will not destroy love, hope, faith or trust in others and it is always better to let them go, rather than be dragged down causing you untold misery and sadness. It does not matter who it is, if they are hurting you – let them go! You are worth much more than to have people in your life that don’t really love you and cause you grief. As hard as that may sound, we need to do this, because often God makes room for the right people by removing those who are wrong for you. It is all for your good at the end of the day, even if we cannot see it at the time. I have seen this happen with family, friends, partners, and business relationships in my lifetime already. Yet afterward I have seen how much better off we are when these toxic situations are purged from our lives. None of us deserve to suffer going through them.

Stay committed, stay faithful, loyal and true always. Focus on loving those you are gifted with. You have been blessed with them for a reason! If we fail to recognise and appreciate those special souls, guaranteed someone else will. But at what cost? We are accountable and responsible for any hurt we place on others, and the karma which comes back, is multiplied as well. So be careful to guard all those you have been blessed with, for their sake as well as your own. Each soul is precious, including your own. Remember that. 

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If we have all these key features in our relationships, we can weather the proverbial storms of life together and be safe and secure in the relationships we have built with those precious to us. Always hold on to love, it is one of the best things in life! A blessed gift which does not come around often. If there is something problematic interfering and holding you back, always work on resolving things first and repairing what you can instead of throwing it away.

Wishing you all a very blessed Christmas, it is a time all about sharing and showing how much you love. May you be truly happy all your days to come, surrounded by love and good people who are right for you. And so on that note, I am taking a moment to share love with you special people that mean so much to me and let you all know how you have enriched and added value to my life. You are all special and amazing in your own right, and all close to my heart always. Wishing you all a beautiful, exciting and amazing year ahead. Merry Christmas and have an awesome New Year! 

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 4 - Intimacy and Affection

This week which has passed has marked a one year anniversary of my blog. So much has happened, but yet I still ponder on where has the year gone? Just another example of what I always say: to take advantage of today while you can. Appreciate, value and love those you care about, before it is too late. You may, such as now, wipe your eyes and see the year has gone with no sense of time as if stepping through a time warp months into the future.

But, ask yourself something: what are you doing to improve your relationships with those you love, and are you making the days count? If not, what can you do to make things better between yourself and the beautiful souls you have been blessed with in your life right now? Are you making the most of them and spending as much time as you possibly can? Be careful if you have been neglecting or taking too much time focusing on the wrong things, wrong people and perhaps been a little too selfish with your time. In a second, they could be taken away from you - so make every moment of precious value.

Let us look at the next important aspect to nurture in our relationships, which we all need to give and receive - a generous measure of intimacy and affection to those around us. We are all human, and this is one very beneficial, vital and essential ingredient to healthy living for our souls and hearts...

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Intimacy and Affection

Contrary to what some believe, intimacy and affection is always crucial in a relationship (barring professional ones, in which case, this point is null and void... obviously). This should always be present in the beginning, for the duration, and right until the end of a relationship. The fire of passion for romantic relationships and the strong bonds of friendship should never wilt or even cease to exist. If there is lacking, then there is something seriously wrong, as my partner had wisely pointed out many times whilst observing romantic relationships. Also, it could signal something far more dangerous such as guilt on something that has happened unawares, some other underlying problem, interest in someone else, or even cheating - depending on the type of relationship. 

Be aware too, of being distant and be careful of the tone you use and manner in which you speak to those in your life you care for. Too easily we could let abrupt words slip by accident, thereby hurting and damaging someone's heart. Protect and watch out for each other at all times, while having the humility and decency to show you truly care by apologising and admitting to your own fault should the chance come by that you hurt someone unintentionally. I say unintentionally here, because normally this is the case. No normal person goes around hurting, neglecting and damaging the hearts of those they love. And if you do, something is very wrong, self evaluation urgently needed and necessary steps taken to rectify the situation. 

It is also awesome to have your own space, to have time to yourself. However, always keep in mind that you are in fact “building a relationship” with the other person (no matter whether it be family, friends, romantic, etc), so too much of this can also lead to problems down the line, doubts and fears to surface so find a good balance between the two. Lack of romance or romantic laziness as is also called, is also not an option in any romantic relationship - every single relation you have with those around you requires a measure of work and effort. Remember the analogy I used last time of it being a one-way street traveled by both people in the same direction supporting each other? When romance/intimacy/affection dies off, and you have to struggle and fight for it, then the relationship clearly needs reparation. Without these crucial elements, your relationship withers and dies. Keep in mind you should be nourishing the bonds with these people, building them up, getting to know them and contribute to their happiness by your care and support. Just as the body needs food and drink to survive and be sustained, so our souls, heart and minds need intimacy and affection for the same. 

Through the years, many psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and scientists have conducted experiments to show what impact affection has upon living things. Tests such as these have included animals, plants and even people. I have recently read about one such psychologist named Harry Harlow, as well as behaviorist John B. Watson who conducted such tests on humans. While many experts at the time denied the importance of love and affection, Harlow’s experiments offered irrefutable proof that love is vital for normal human development. Additional experiments by Harlow revealed the long-term devastation caused by deprivation, leading to profound psychological and emotional distress and even death. Yet Harlow's enduring legacy reinforced the importance of emotional support, affection, and love in the development of all people. The results they found with animals as well as even plants, all proved the same. 

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Hoping that you all have been inspired and found some valuable insight from this series so far, as well as all my posts this year. Next week we will be looking at the final part of the first half of this series, and after Christmas I will continue with the second half and the last five parts. Until then, enjoy the time with your loved ones you have been blessed with, treasure and appreciate them with all your heart - for today is all we are ever guaranteed of!

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 3 - Trust / Respect

During the past few weeks we started looking at two of five of the most important aspects for having healthy and fulfilling relationships with each other. Today we are looking at another very significant attribute which is most highly valued. With all relationships in life, as it grows you begin to trust and respect each other more and more as time goes on. However, after building these virtues over a period of time - sometimes a vast one depending on how long you know the person - is very easy to destroy in an instant. These are particularly very delicate values, so be aware to handle with care!

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Trust / Respect

You cannot trust someone whom you do not respect, nor can you respect one you do not trust. So, both trust and respect go hand in hand. Exceptionally vital to our relationships with others, these qualities are built up over a period of time, and do not just magically exist. Hence why in the beginning of a relationship (of any form), this is the time which is most sensitive and fragile. But no matter at which stage you are in your relationship with the other person, both could be lost in an instant if broken. So look after your relationships with those you love, it is not all about yourelf, but both of you.

Similarly, if you truly love and care about those in your life, you will endeavour to build these things with them. No relationship just happens - as with anything worthwhile in life - it takes commitment, work, patience and perseverance to form. Also, if there is lack of these qualities, we need to look at what we can do to assist and support each other to regain it back. This goes for fears and insecurities too. You should be helping one other bear these and overcome them. No relationship has room for selfishness and both parties need to work at this.

We have heard the old saying, "Any relationship is a two-way street". Rather, it is a one-way street, where both people travel in the same direction, side by side, supporting and helping each other, each working at their part. In this way, we can reach any point in our lives whilst having a healthy relationship which does not fail and is supportive in every way.

Also look out for the things which destroy trust, respect and other good qualities in your relationships. These things include:

• Dishonesty or any form of lies
• Speaking badly of their friends or family, or gossiping
• Humiliation or making fun of them in front of others (there is a fine line between joking and humiliation, so please be careful with this)
• Not taking their views, feelings and personalities into account, when it comes to anything
• Picking on insecurities / flaws / behavioural habits
• Cheating in whatever form, especially in romantic relationships. Any kind of intimate and romantic betrayal with someone else other than your partner - is still cheating! This includes flirting, seeing other people behind their back, intentions of hooking up with someone, and kissing someone else (still cheating, no matter what you may say) 

I could go on, but I think I have pretty much covered the major stuff.

Something to ponder on: How you treat others, how you speak to them, what you say and do (behind their back or in front of them), the way you care or not for them, if you show them affection or attention, etc. - is not a statement about that person. If someone is nasty to you or treats you wrong, it says nothing of them, but a lot about you.

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The relationships we have been blessed with in life, are so precious and a priceless gift. Yet so many people are careless with others' hearts and feelings. We should be building each other up, encouraging, supporting, and loving them. We should be showing them they are beautiful, that they are accepted, that they are so loved! Otherwise our words are meaningless.

We cannot expect others just to know how we feel, we should be showing them that what we say and do match up. No wishy-washy efforts are acceptable in healthy relationships. They should be authentic. They should be real. We should be real - and upfront. No assuming. This is how we build trust and love ... respect is then returned to us, along with so much more, fulfilling the law of attraction in our lives.

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 2 - Communication

Last time we started looking at the five most important aspects we need in our relationships which make them successful and keep them strong. After a past busy couple of weeks, I am proud to bring you the second installment of this series, so sit back with a cup of coffee, tea, your favourite beverage (or a glass of wine!) and enjoy the read...

Building, maintaining and keeping relationships strong, is pretty much like building a house. First you need a strong foundation, four pillars/cornerstones, four walls and a roof to make it complete. We have begun with one of the four pillars last time ('Honesty'). Next, the other three pillars ('Communication', 'Trust/Respect', 'Intimacy and Affection') and lastly we will go into 'Love', being our most important feature and most-needed for a strong foundation.

As mentioned last time, we will be exploring deeper into this subject afterward, first by looking at the 4 walls which hold the foundations of our relationship together ('Commitment/Loyalty', 'Friendship', 'Freedom', 'Patience'); and finally ending off with the metaphorical roof of this house ('Compromise & Understanding').

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Communication

This is a very significant feature we all need to remember to keep going with each another. By being quiet about something that is weighing on your heart or troubling your mind (be it either in fear of how the other person will respond, to keep the peace so to avoid an argument, or because you are ashamed/embarrassed about a specific something), it can be very dangerous and detrimental to the bond you share. Like a festering sore, whatever is unresolved or not made known between both of you will get greater as time goes on, until the problem becomes full-blown and out of control or enormously challenging to patch-up. And sometimes it could never be the same again.

Communicating is best done in person, from what I have learned in my own life. I have often heard advice about writing a letter to someone you love or care about, if you battle to express yourself and explain how you feel. Truth be told, this may very well be a brilliant idea but the problem lies in how the other person takes what you are saying and translates it in their own tone, which is based on what their current condition of where their heart and mind are. If that person is in a bad place, or the wrong mood, this could end up disastrous. In my own experience, I have had far too many misunderstandings with my own loved ones because of this very fact! But once speaking in person, literally every time, the matter was resolved because they (or I) have received the communication in the correct way. So hearing it from your own voice, would be the best approach - even if this means you have to read what you have written. Same goes for emailing, texting, and social media (unless of course you made a voice or video recording that is, it all just depends). :)

One important fact we all need to keep in mind, is regarding involving others in your relationship issues instead of your partner/friend/family member/etc. This breeds even more problems than what there are originally. So in fact, a small matter may grow to be a much larger one, all because we did not keep to resolving with the person involved first. Not to mention you will have dragged other people into the biased views of your side of the matter at hand, and thus causing unnecessary stress for all involved. Yes, there may be times where you think to see things clearly and know what is right and wrong. However, there will almost always be something said or done on your part that also contributed to the miscommunication and argument, so always try and see both sides and keep communicating! The only time we should be bringing other people into it, is if you’re getting counselling together because you both want healing to begin and need the aid of someone else as last resort.

Find the fault together, talk it through, forgive and move on with a clear solution to assist each other for the next time something similar may occur. And always keep in mind, honesty and communication go hand in hand. Always make sure you are moving forward – not backwards and not standing still. We are to grow together, not grow apart.

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Remember that in a relationship of any kind, if you truly care about the other person; there should be no secrets, no lies and no broken promises. There will be commitment - to each other, to brighten each others' lives, and to support each other in everything. This fact is based not only on honesty (which is what we discussed last time), but also in that we need to always be communicating with each other and thereby building up a strong bond of trust, which then in turn earns respect and brings us closer together (intimacy, affection and love). So in all of these aspects in building good relationships, each of these things depends on all the others for it to stand strong - just the same way the foundation, walls, pillars and roof of a house all support each other to stand strong and weather the storms in life.

So lets be true, communicate, open our hearts and be open to those we are blessed with. You never know when they will be taken away from you and you will never have that chance again.

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 1 - Honesty

Throughout my life, my time as a counselor and leader in the church, all the long term relationships and friendships I have experienced, the books I have read as well as the lessons learnt from my close friends’ and family’s lives – I have gained a vast quantity of insight and knowledge of the important factors which we all need in our relationships to make them strong, keep them successful, and also keep them growing.

Since I started my blog (and even before, through these past two or so years) and after a good deal of thought, reflection, a great amount of research, reading up on these type of topics delved into by psychologists, experts, authors, inspirational writers and even fellow bloggers; I thought it apt to finally be able to share these wisdoms with you today. I am hoping these points could positively assist, inspire and even turn things around for you in your life. Perhaps they could even help you see things in a different perspective.

There is a large amount of material I have been working on, and after writing down a lot of what I have learnt and researched, I have decided to split this post up into separate parts, to make the info more mentally digestible. We will first be exploring five significant aspects which uphold relationships and the factors which break them down. Today, we will be looking at the first of these:

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Honesty

I cannot stress this enough, and anyone who knows me, knows how highly I value this aspect. Always (always!) be honest to those you care about. We may at times feel ashamed, guilty or embarrassed about something that we have not revealed yet to someone we care about. Yet instead of allowing any kind of untruth emerge causing immense injury to our loved ones and their trust, it is far more effective to be honest and go through the steps of forgiveness and resolving the matter than it is to regain trust and repair the damage caused. Let us not even begin to consider the amount of hurt, pain and suffering dishonesty causes others. This includes all kinds: lies, deceit, cheating, backstabbing/gossiping, lies, ‘white lies’ etc.

Dishonesty causes a rift in the relationship caused by a cycle of shame, embarrassment, guilt and the like – all the while pushing the other person further away causing more complications. However, truth and reconciliation (or effort and attempting to do so), will ultimately draw both people closer together as we admit to being wrong but wanting to repair what’s been done and hopefully close up the rift before it gets to wide and too big to bridge the gap. After many times going through this myself, including the last time in the beginning of this year when I lost a best friend of mine due to me being lied to and deceived, I can definitely confirm this for a fact. It only took a couple of days to transpire, but that was more than enough to damage our close and special bond for life.

There are two old quotes which I have heard a long time ago that have stuck with me: “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” The other is similar: “Trust is like a broken glass. You can never put it back together, and even if you do, there will still be cracks. Things will never be the same again.” Keep in mind also, the old English Proverb “honesty is the best policy” is the best approach and mind-set that you can have. The writer was so correct in saying this because an honest and true quality is always highly regarded and more appreciated above any form of a lie. Think about that for a minute, and consider it next time you are faced with this decision in your life.

 

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In the next few weeks, we will be looking at the next important value we should be cultivating in our relationships. Following this, I will be going deeper into the topic of relationships, and delving more into five more valuable aspects we need to nurture in our lives. Until then, I wish you well and may you all be blessed in the relationships you hold dear in your lives. Keep strong, keep positive and keep on working at things. You never know when a slight shift in your mind-set or attitude change may tip the scales in your favour.

Love, happiness and blessing be yours in all the connections you share with your loved ones. Have a beautiful week!

Using, Growing and Sharing your Gifts

Each of us are different and special in our own way. Even if you think you do not have anything to offer – you in fact do. We all have our own distinct talents and gifts unique to each person. It is up to us to develop, use and share them amongst those in our lives. If you are unsure what you are gifted in, decide today to make a conscious effort to find out. Similarly, we should also be using what has been given to us, before it is too late to get the chance to. There is a saying that one of my best friends has: “Use what Mother Nature has given you before Father Time takes it away.” A wise saying indeed. But what does this teach us? If anything, there are two things that stand out for me.

1.       Time waits for no-one

We are never guaranteed on the time we have left in this life. Should we not utilise our gifts and talents, one day it may be too late when our life in this world comes to a close. Then it would have all been for nothing and your abilities wasted. You never know, the helping hand lent to a friend or stranger could mean anything to them: be it someone finding the courage to face another day, or being put on the path to their destiny by providing whatever they need, or inspiring our fellow man by encouraging those to do the same and make a difference in other people’s lives (especially when this has to do with helping those in need). There is so much we can do. Also, once a moment has passed in which you can help someone, you may never have another again.

2.       Nurturing or neglecting?

Secondly, and I had this discussion with a friend not so long ago; we need to keep on nurturing, strengthening, developing (not just maintaining) and improving all we know and are talented with. Just as the dancer needs to keep practising to make sure they are on top of their game, or the teacher educating themselves what they need to in order to teach their students effectively – so we need to do the same with whatever we have. Don’t be surprised if your passions in life don’t improve, or go nowhere. We need to keep feeding and growing in these areas, just the same as we need food to grow and live. Our whole being needs nourishment of all sorts to keep on going, and keep on growing, Make sure you are not neglecting yourself in any area.

Yes I know what some of you are thinking, specifically those who know me, I should have in fact been following my own advice! I have been reminded of this fact several times in the past few months that my passion for writing, needs attention at least on a more regular basis. Now that all the stresses and issues have been sorted out in my life; the job search and interviews done and dusted (a tedious as well as time-consuming task I must add), financial dramas over, relationship crises concluded a while ago, been there for friends through whatever has come our way. All major distractions and stress have passed for now, thankfully. I am now more focused than ever before, I am wiser and stronger. It is time to remain focusing on my gifts no matter what, as do I hope that you will focus on yours as well.

Letting anything come in the way of our dreams and goals, only damages our own lives, but sometimes this can’t be helped. We just need to keep on making sure we pick ourselves up, dust off and keep moving forward. Standing still not going anywhere, stagnating or even procrastinating (gosh even I too am guilty of this), is not where we should be. Find ways to progress, even in the smallest way, and you will do well.

Through the Rainstorm

Through the past few months of struggle and strain, anxiety and aching in my heart; I continue to trudge through what’s left of the metaphorical rainstorm I found myself in. The sun has finally come out and the last few raindrops of residual stress are draining away. Through the retreating clouds, a beautiful rainbow of hope and happiness has appeared to me, and I realise the worst is over. Life is good regardless; if one takes the time to see the beauty in the rain, the rolling thunder, even the lightning and dreary days. Sure, it may be tough going through that storm, enduring it, and braving the face of danger and adversity that comes our way in life. However, there are always positives and days to enjoy the rain, despite our grumbles and groans on our circumstances at the time.

I have always loved this depiction of the difficult times we go through in life. Not long ago I had been inspiring a couple of friends to not give up, to keep on moving forward positively, and to look for the lessons we can learn through all our experiences in the storms of life (the good and the bad, especially the bad!). Yet I was unaware that my own storm was to begin rolling over the hills of my not-too-distant future. Encouraging my friends and sister to keep focused and happy was one thing, yet another when you yourself are suddenly going through the same things! It is tough to go through any kind of stress at work, relationships or sickness (be it your own or that of a loved one). Three of the greatest stresses in life, and we found ourselves right in the middle of all of them.

The beauty of a rainstorm is not only relishing in the washing away of all the dirt, muck and grittiness that surrounds us in our lives – yet it is in that cleansing and renewal that we need to place our focus. Everything in life happens for a reason, and we need sunny days as well as rainy ones. It is at times like these, that we need the unnecessary and destructive things washed away, including harsh and disparaging jobs, false and disloyal friends (or partners), overcoming health concerns… We must get our focus back on track and do away with anything that doesn't contribute to our happiness or add any kind of value to our lives. Change can be good – embrace it.

And once the roaring rain subsides, the clouds of despair scatter into nothingness, and the beautiful warmth of the sun emerge once more; your very own rainbow will appear for you to appreciate and adore. The end is near, just keep strong whilst marching on through it – with hope in your heart, and a smile on your face. Like everything in life, troubles and hardship are just temporary. Let’s all be thankful and grateful for this truth every day.

What The Person You Deserve Is Like

You deserve love and security, a combination that warms the core of your heart. You deserve knowledge that the person you are with wants to be there and, more importantly, won’t run away when times get tough. This is someone that will stay by your side, fight your fights right there with you because they know you would do the same for them.

You deserve someone who laughs at your jokes and smiles at the mere sight of you smiling. This smile will be genuine, not fake, and you will feel butterflies when you see it and your smile will grow until your cheeks can no longer take it.

You deserve someone who brings you coffee in the morning because they know the addiction is real. You deserve breakfast in bed, flowers “just because,” and hugs that feel like you are at home.

You deserve hands that only reach for you. They may be dry, cracked, calloused, perfectly manicured, or a complete mess, but they know you, your hands, and your body. They don’t reach away to know more.

You deserve someone who doesn't make you cry, at least on purpose, because you are human and you feel deeply and love passionately, and when one teardrop falls there may be a thousand more, but you are not alone. Even though they hurt you, they hold you until the shaking stops, wiping away your tears and kissing your damp cheeks although you whisper for them to stop. They will say sorry and you will feign being mad until you both give in to happiness again because you know anger is a state the two of you cannot remain in.

You deserve someone who takes responsibility for their mistakes and who apologizes for the times they unintentionally hurt you because you would do the same for them. You deserve someone who can forgive as you do, even if neither of you can completely forget.

You deserve someone whose touch feels like fireworks across your skin, whose eyes always look for yours when they enter a room, and whose heart never yearns for the attention of another.

You deserve trust that may waver but never entirely falter. It will look nothing like control. It will look like freedom but with your best friend by your side holding your hand. There will be moments of jealousy, but these will be outweighed by smiles, laughter, trust, and love.

You deserve back rubs for no reason, dinner you don’t have to make alone, a hand to hold, a heart to feel, and a person who cannot imagine life without you in it.

You deserve security just as much as you deserve spontaneity. You will be comfortable but not so settled down that stubborn roots no longer give you the nutrients you need to grow. This person you are with will try the things you enjoy and you will try the things they do as well. You will find new things to do and new places to go because you both love to share these sorts of moments together.

You deserve someone who pushes you to be better, to seek out the best opportunities for you even if the next step is terrifying for you both.

You deserve chocolate when you are cranky, a partner to indulge in your guilty television pleasures, and someone who tries to kiss you even though they just watched you puke up breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This is the person who laughs when you correct their grammar instead of getting mad, the one who knows they had better text you back, and the person who understands that you will not always have your “A game” out on display.

You deserve someone who wants to be better for you, someone who strives to be better for you, but, most importantly, you deserve someone who wants to be better for themselves. This is the type of person who will grow alongside of you and never dream of holding you back.

You deserve someone who is looking at the big picture in life, and that picture has you in it.

You deserve someone who continues looking forward, someone who doesn't stop constantly to look at the past. They may not like everything about who you were before, but they love who you have become. They know not to let your past trip them up for too long. You both came into the relationship with baggage that slowly unpacked itself and, even though it would be easy enough to pack up your things and go back to your respective homes, you both stay.

You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, a life that is so beautiful that you cannot tell if you are awake or still in bed dreaming, and someone who doesn't so much as put one foot out the door because they know you are not the person to walk away from. This will be the person who sticks around through thick and thin because they want to, not because they have to.

You deserve all of this and so much more, and you deserve it for a lifetime.

~ by Kyle Freelander