The Virtues of True Friendship

There is a lot that can be said for true friends, and what it all means. You find all kinds of quotes, proverbs and little pieces of wisdom that range from the same old mundane ones to really profound, deep explosions of enlightenment in your heart. For me, my close and oldest friends have always been my second family. I have learned a lot through many of them, yet much more also through all the friendship experiences I have found myself in, right through my life. And I am still learning. I learn all the while more and more which valuable and respected traits we should be looking out for to point out whether a friend is real, fake, or if their friendship is just a fickle one and falters at the first sign of trouble.

Recently, I have found myself thrown back onto a learning curve on the road of my life when it comes to this. Through various experiences and tough situations taking place in the last year and a half, it has reminded me of what virtues any true friend should possess. Like a metaphorical light bulb going on above my head, realisations have hit home. Illumination upon the dark corners of self-doubt in my heart, and suddenly I recalled once again what I am worth, what I deserve and how things should be. What it should be like for us all.

So what is being and having a true friend all about? These points below will explain it in more detail what I have learned, summing up all the qualities one finds in your real friends…

1. True friends are loyal
True friends remain equally loyal in both good times and bad. They will offer help without expecting anything in return and would change their plans to come to your aid. They will stand up for you when you need it and never do anything that will compromise your success or happiness. People who are there only when it is good for them, or when it’s too much for them to support you through your troubled times; are nothing more than ‘fair-weather friends’. These people are there for you only when the going is good. Now I don’t mean that they have to be there for you physically all the time, but a simple call or message to show they care should be enough to prove this. Indeed life gets busy, but there is always time to be found for the things and people who mean much to you.

I have had many experiences when I have felt all alone through my difficult times this past period of time. The ones who claimed they would be there and support me through whatever I was going through, mostly all disappeared from my life until it was convenient for them to return or when they wanted something from me or needed me. This should not be so! As true friends, we should be there through it all. Love is unconditional – not when conditions are right for us. I am so thankful for the friends I still have by my side who have been there constantly and feel so blessed by these special souls.

2. True friends are honest and real
Friends keep their word and do what they say they will do. They should be honest but never judgemental. They will be as real as they are at all times, whether it is over the phone, texting, online or in person. People who are themselves and not two-faced, nor pretend to be something they are not. A true friend is always honest no matter what. They will intervene if they see that something is seriously bad for you or if you’re going down the wrong path. It is your duty to tell the truth, even when you know that the truth may hurt and possibly even cost you your friendship (which it won’t if you keep to following the other traits here, stay honest, and let them know how much you value their friendship). In essence, honesty is essential in all relationships, and friendships are no exception. If you love your friends, have the decency and courage to be truthful always.

In the past, I have had associations with some people who have been the opposite of this, and it is not good going through being hurt by people being dishonest, superficial and false. Since last year, I lost a couple of friends who ended up due to dishonesty and deception. It was sad and hurtful to bear – but necessary. If you know me, you will know how much importance I place upon this very aspect. A lie or any deception can ruin a friendship, where telling the truth does not cause such devastation nor the bond of trust broken. The karma which comes back to you is tremendous, and mostly only surfaces later which is a far greater damage than being upfront about something right away. The truth always comes out, so be truthful always. Be who you are, no-one else can!

3. True friends respect you
Your true friends will always respect the person and not the position, title, or assets they may possess. They do not try to change their friends, but accept them as they are and respect their choices, beliefs, time and property.
- Choices are respected by not trying to control your friends’ lives and realising they have their own minds, likes and dislikes. Each of us are different. The choices I make, may not be best for my friend or any other person. Each of us have to make our own path through life, and should not judge another for the things they have chosen, whether good or bad.
- Beliefs are respected by not judging, condemning, attacking nor criticising your friends’ beliefs, ideals or morals. If you know that your friend has certain views and ethics, respect them – even if you don’t agree with them. Rather than try force our friends to believe what we do, or change their perception by manipulation, we have to respect our friends’ viewpoints and accept them completely. Not everyone looks at the universe around us the same way.
- Time is respected by not wasting it. Be punctual for appointments and let your friend know if you’ll be late or can’t make it at all. If you are late and you have let your friend know, then you have at least been honest and all involved can plan or reschedule accordingly. Mishaps and unforeseen circumstances do happen, we all need to be understanding of this fact. But it works both ways.
- Property is respected by not damaging it and taking care to treat your friends’ belongings with care and love as you would do your own. After all, it was not you who went to all the effort to work at building up their homes and belongings as they have. If something is lent to you, it was entrusted to you. Have the respect and decency to return it in the same condition. Same goes for paying back what is owed when you have been lent money – which one should not really be doing, if we care about their own well-being.

Sadly I can say that all of these have happened to me, as with most of you too I am sure. After countless times of people trying to get me to do something I did not want to do, using me, judging or making fun of me, or trying to change my beliefs in some way and so on – I am relieved and happy now that I have cut them out of my life. It is not worth it forever going through the stress of someone trying to force you to change yourself, go against what you want or believe in, or be influenced in any way. Your happiness and security needs to come first. You need to be respected.

4. True friends never talk bad about you
Something which cannot be emphasised enough is that true friends do not talk bad about their friends and also do not criticize, judge, or condemn them. True friends will always keep your secrets/business private and confidential. They also definitely do not gossip behind your back. Again if you love your friends why would you want to ruin their reputation and relationships with others because you have got a grievance against them, or nothing better to talk about? We were always taught that if you have not anything good to say, then rather be silent. The thing about gossip and bad talk that some do not realise, is that it always becomes a two-way effect – while you are tarnishing someone else’s name, at the very same time, you are also ruining yours. No-one is fond of being in the company of such a person and the negativity they bring over others. The general rule here is this: “Listen carefully to how a person speaks about others to you, this will determine how they will talk about you to other people. When someone is nasty or treats someone poorly, it says nothing about that person but a lot about them. The way people treat you is a statement about who they are as a human being, it is not a statement about you.” As I have said before, if you truly care for your friends, you will want to protect them in every way. So watch out for this.

In recent months, I have been through a very bad situation where this very thing has occurred. Certain friends have drifted away because they have listened and believed lies and unwholesome talk being spread about me. Sadly, some friendships have not been the same since. Without finding out the facts by first coming to me and getting the complete story, they have chosen to believe someone’s one-sided version of the truth. Let it be known, that true friends will not just keep from talking bad about their friends, they will also not believe stories when they hear bad talk coming from someone else. This brings me to my next point…

5. True friends do not take sides
True friends will stand by what’s right and not take sides. Echoing the same message as in point two where good friends who are honest will look for the truth, support it and not just blindly take sides when their friends are responsible for bad behaviour. Just because you are loyal to your friends, does not mean you must support them even when they are at fault. Take a stand in your friendships! We are to be accountable to each other, and if your friend says or does something unkind, you should be helping set them on the right path. If you are not doing this, then you are only thinking selfishly of yourself and your friendship with your friend. There are two reasons why people could fall into this way of thinking:
- Fear of what their friend or others will think, they will hold back from saying anything or standing up to their friend. This includes fear of losing their friendship, but true friends never part over something so trivial. Especially when you are caring for their best interests.
- Misunderstanding the meaning of loyalty to friends by blindly supporting their every action and word, not realising that by being loyal to our friends actually means supporting them by guiding them off the incorrect path and showing them where they are going wrong so that they can take responsibility to set their life right once more in a positive, uplifting way.

As I have mentioned in the last point, I have seen this happen first hand. We should be giving support and remaining impartial to whatever someone is going through, especially when it may involve someone else we know. Rather find out all the facts and work out the truth of the matter first, support your loved ones and care enough to point out the wrong and set them back on the right way. Otherwise all we are doing is hurting our friends who need our support instead of rejection, and so damaging their hearts and our precious relationships with them as well, and at the same time enabling bad habits and poor behaviour of our friend we have been 'loyal' to..

6. True friends believe in you, appreciate and encourage you 

Real friends will always value and appreciate you. They are in the business of building up, not breaking down their friends: whether in motivation, confidence, and especially self-esteem. Good friends will always be grateful for their friends who they have been blessed with and never take them for granted. They focus at all times on what they value about them, not on what they dislike. A true friend is also patient with you, forgiving, and are understanding when things need time to change or get better. Also, they won’t judge you even when you make silly mistakes because they accept us for who we are and will do what they can to be there and support us through anything we find ourselves going through – triumphs as well as failures.

One thing I can say for sure, is that this is especially true of my close friends who have been there for me through the hard, depressing and stressful times in my life. In the past several years I can think of numerous hardships I have had to endure. However if it were not for these extraordinary people in my life always encouraging me to not give up, supporting me through the difficult patches, and never letting me forget my worth; then I don’t know how I would’ve managed through what I have been through this far. 

7. True friends are always there

Helping without expecting a return favour, true friends will do this unconsciously in a heartbeat. They provide a shoulder to cry on, listen when you need someone to talk to and offer advice/support where they can offer it. They will also share their own successes with you when they achieve them, will celebrate yours when you achieve your own; but furthermore they will be there through the tribulations and failures you go through too. They are there through all times and definitely not only when things are good. If they cannot be there physically, they will show it in any number of ways: be it a call, message or keeping in contact in any other way. Furthermore, they will have your back and are always dependable to be there for you – if they can manage it. 

We have all have had good and bad experiences with this before. Not only have I had friends abandon me when I needed them most when I have needed help or support, but I have also had those who never left my side and were always able to count on them. Yes we all have our own lives to lead, but there is always time that can be made for the ones we love and care about. Even if one cannot be there physically, a simple message or call to check-in does perfectly well. It takes but a few seconds to do this, there is never such a thing as not enough time. The only misfortune here is that time can run away with us with our busy lives and keeping contact can slip our minds, but this is something we all need to prioritise and make sure we have a balance, for all that is important to us. The truth is people make time for what and who is important to them. A true friend is someone you can rely on. 

8. True friends never use you

When you have a true friend, you will never have to worry about them using you. Your safety, security and welfare will be on top of their list because they truly care for you. They will never take advantage of you, or like I was reading the other day on a different blog, even borrow money from or depend on you in any way and put you in in a position where you will end up in a financial predicament yourself. Once borrowed from you, aware of what trouble they themselves were in before, will not want you to be in the same place as they have been. True friends have your safety and security as a priority, this includes your finances because it affects your life and stability to provide for yourself. Don't let people use you or your good heart. Make sure no-one is doing this and filter out 'friends' like these because they only make things worse for you – it may be financial, emotional, physical or any other thing they are relying on you solely for. Friendships are a partnership where you help one another, not only the one depending on the other. Be aware of this.

I have been in situations such as these, and often come out worse off, and even to the point of still paying for that today. The last few years have been tough going through this with my ex and certain friends who have caused me to end up in financial crises. As a result, I have been living a life of struggling to make ends meet every month. It’s not worth it. Take a stand, have some self-respect and self-worth knowing you deserve better and put your foot down. If you end up suffering by paying for someone else to live better and they have no regard for you being in a worse-off situation, it's time to reassess that friendship (or relationship).

9. True friends have your best interests at heart – not what is best for them

Friends do not encourage you to violate your morals and principles, neither do they allow other friends to persuade you to do so. Again, if they are a real friend, they will care about you and respect your beliefs, standards, morals and values (as mentioned earlier). Do not allow your friends to persuade you to do things that you know are not in your best interest or you do not want to do. There is a difference in having fun and crossing the line in making you uncomfortable doing something you do not want to. This is something of great wisdom I learnt from my mum, which I mentioned in a previous blog post not too long ago. Just remember you need not step down from your high standards or morals of living because someone wants you to. Stay focused, stay true to yourself. Similarly, if they see you doing something foolish, making an unwise decision, spending money you don’t have (that probably should be going elsewhere), treating someone badly, getting into the wrong relationship – or whatever the situation may be – they will step up to the plate and be there for you to show you the right path. Your real friends will look out for you and have your well-being at heart.

When I was in the last grade of primary school I found myself making friends with a lot of my classmates, including two of the naughty boys with whom I had mutual friends. One day whilst hanging around with these guys, I ended getting into trouble because of them, all because of the peer pressure and disturbance they were causing our class. They were trying to get me to join in on their plans. Luckily I knew in my heart that it was wrong and felt terribly uncomfortable with it because it was going against my morals, standards and who I am as a person. Unfortunately for me though, my amazing teacher who had such trust in me caught them out just in time. And I was in trouble too, being associated with them just for being present. He was disappointed, but I was even more so. This was one of my first lessons on friendship. This taught me from a young age to be aware of the friends you keep and to choose wisely only those who look after you in every way. 

10. True friends are forever

When you have the ability to not see each other for long periods of time but nothing changes in your friendship with one another, then you have found a true friendship that could possibly last forever. These will be the friends that stay in touch, even if by the smallest measure of contact. Sometimes a period of time could go by and you could perhaps not have spoken for a while. Yet everything stays the same: the communication flows, the way you are with one another has not changed, your meaningful conversations, and so forth are all still so meaningful. Make sure you maintain your friendships with periodic quality communication by email, text, phone, and in-person. I know sometimes this is easier said than done, but it is necessary. We all have busy lives to lead, but as I have mentioned before, it literally takes moments to send a short message or even picking up the phone to call. Of course, on the other hand, if you realise you are the one continuously messaging and contacting certain friends all the time with not much reciprocation, then maybe it is time to stop and focus on the ones who equally show you the same. The last thing you want to do is focus on running after a whole group of people who don’t care as much as you do for them, then end up not having enough time and neglecting the really important ones you should be focusing on instead! 

In the past, I found myself doing this and I have had to make a conscious decision to keep checking and reminding myself to refocus. Life is too uncertain to concentrate on the wrong people. If they really love, care, support you and want to be in your life, then they will be there. It will show. Cherish, enjoy and revel in the moments you have with your friends, they may not be there forever. I have lost two friends in the last few years and there were times where I was very hard on myself for not making enough time while they were still alive. The truth is I was running after everyone, driving after everyone and trying to do the best I could from my side to keep contact and visit them all. This was a very big awakening in my life. When I realised these two friends were gone and I had wasted my time running after the wrong people who did not bother to for me, I decided that I needed to start looking more closely at my friendships and pay attention to the right ones. No matter what, if a friendship is true it will not change one bit. True friends are forever.

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There is an old saying which says we can’t choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Choose wisely, whether it be with who you spend your time with or an improvement in yourself you need to make to be a better friend. I believe we all will always have room for growth and this process never ends. I have found through various ups and downs in my own circles, has helped me realise which friendship needs re-evaluation, or whether I have weaknesses I need to work on within myself.

Be careful when you find yourself going through trials, to not allow the wrong types of people taint your life and happy place by bringing you down in any way. Use the bad experiences to learn from, to grow, to improve your life. Sometimes constant evaluation is necessary to make sure you are letting the right people into your space. Strengthen your friendships by sharing fun, exciting, and intellectual experiences. Take the time, show your care and concern. Remember friendships are bound by common interests, shared values, mutual respect, and love. If you find all these qualities in your friendships, you are bound to have a friend for life. 

Inspirational Women in My Life, Part 3

During Easter weekend, has seen a long-time wish fulfilled. Many years of prayers answered, it all happened so quickly. Just last time I was speaking of how it has been a goal of mine to go and visit my Grandmother who I haven’t seen in ten years. Thanks to my awesome parents, and much Divine Intervention, I finally saw this become a reality. What a blessing to be able to see and spend time with her again, an even bigger blessing for my parents helping to make this a reality, and for her being ready to come back home. Thanks to my brother and family as well, she is here, at long last! 

It has been remarkable, hearing your stories as well as all the amazing feedback from those who sent me messages, mail and Facebook comments. Your support and sharing has been rewarding to say the least. Through the reminiscing on all things I have learned, the fond memories, the amazing women I have been blessed by – I am glad to see it has been blessing your lives by inspiring you too. This is the last in this series. I hope you all continue find some more insight into life from these three wise women I know, who I am proud and honoured to call close and treasured friends of mine... 

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Many years ago, after I left school and after my motor accident, I moved back home during my recovery period. Not long afterward, while going back to our family church, I became friends with an amazing friendship circle – some of which are friends from school and some still my friends to this day. After one of our first get-togethers, which happened to be a movie night at a very good friend’s house, I became friends with his mom that evening. We instantly connected and this remarkable woman of God truly inspired me from the first moment. 

What a perfect example to prove that the right people come into your life at the right time, and for a reason!  My friend Tina has always been voice of reason and encouragement, through various chapters of my life. My oldest mentor besides my mum and gran, she has always uplifted my spirits when I have felt down, made me feel important as I (and we all) should be, and refreshed my faith at many times I needed it the most. At this stage of my life I was going through much depression and anxiety but she always made me feel safe and reminded me that we are loved and are not alone. Even when we feel alone, we should know that we are surrounded by divine love. Like God, love is not visible, but that does not mean it is not there. You are loved. You are exceptional. You are priceless and precious. 

The other lesson I learned through all of this, is how each of us is a special and unique, beautiful creation. It does not matter who you are, where you have come from, what has happened or happening in your life, what you look like or dependent on what others think of you – regardless of any of these things, you are loved and accepted. You may not feel this at times, but there is always at least a few people in your life that feel this way about you. Yet, no matter what anyone says or thinks, only one person’s opinion counts – and that is God’s. Do not spend your life trying to impress anyone else, or trying to gain people’s love and acceptance. You were made for a purpose, so live it. Show the world who you are and don’t forget your own self-worth and remember not to let others make you feel any less. Be you, no one else can! 

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I moved back to my home coastal city of Durban just over ten years ago, after being away for a few years working in a different city far from home. Many terrible things had happened to lead up to that point, and I shall not into detail on that now, but let’s just say a change was needed – a new beginning. I escaped from everything harmful that was poisoning my soul and robbing me of my happiness. Longing for home and my family, I relocated back. There I started contracting for a new company and set out on the next chapter of my life. Not long after this, I met a wonderful and inspiring lady who worked at a pharmacy next door to my company. It was not long until we became very good friends ... and to this day Diann has remained one of my best friends, a wise mentor and pillar of strength and inspiration when times have been tough. 

Though times have been hard, difficult situations and tragedies have come to pass in the past few years, I came to realise that we are blessed no matter what happens. Even through the bad, negative things that come our way, there is always something good that comes of it. We may not see it at first, but it is definitely almost always prevalent at the end of it. At some times it may be just to make you stronger and get over a weakness, way of thinking or outlook on life and teach you something new. Whatever it is, always look for the positive, learn from your experiences and move on. Don’t stay in that bad place of depression and sadness. There is always something to be happy, grateful and rejoice over. Trust me, this has proven true in every circumstance for me, all thanks to this very essential lesson learnt. 

No matter the time in between we have seen each other, the distance apart we lived, or anything that came our way, furthermore I learned that true friends are forever. There are a few other close friends I am so blessed with in my life, and they too, have taught me this. A true friendship remains the same no matter what! Each and every time we message each other, mail, Facebook or call – nothing has changed our friendship – and I will always be grateful and appreciative for that. Through all that we have gone through in our lives Diann has always been there to lift my spirits, comfort with words of wisdom and direction, and taught me to stand firm and remember we are not alone throughout our lives. There is always at least a few people in one’s life who are there for you, including God. So don’t ever give up, do not lose hope. You are never truly alone. 

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The third (and definitely not least!) inspiring lady who always comes to mind, is my dear friend Sue. Almost six years ago, we met online on a social media website, where I learned she had the same rare heart condition my mum has. We instantly clicked. At around the same time, she was going in for surgery to assist correcting this condition. Hoping for the best outcome, whilst knowing how delicate a procedure and syndrome this is – I prayed. Pleased to say, Sue came out of it well, and we have remained best friends to this day. 

The strength, courage and faith which she displayed through this trial in her life and right in the beginning of our wonderful friendship inspired me enormously. It reminded me of my mum and the health complications she had faced already in her life, particularly with the same condition, and how strong both of them remained in God, whilst keeping their faith intact and not giving up on life. This has been a lesson I have learnt over and over through all the other hardships Sue had been through, yet she stood firm and endured it all. It taught me the value on how to be a strong through all times and weather the storms which come our way. We could be face the worst and most terrifying of situations, but it is up to us to have the right mind-set and positivity that we will get through it. Remain strong and know that the tough times will pass – and remember if there is nothing more you can do about it, to stop worrying over it and hang on to your faith that things will work out in the best way. 

An additional big inspiration to me, is that I learned also the meaning of true friendship through Sue, like I did with other close friends. We both stay in different countries on practically opposite sides of the planet. We never get to see each other in person, but yet the friendship forever remains the same. It just goes to show that friendship is not measured by the length of time you know each other, or if you see each other often or not. True friendship proves when your relationship never changes, no matter what (and this goes for other types of relationships as well). It is in the depth of care, consideration and concern you feel for one another’s lives and well-being. By never letting each other down. To always be there for them, even if in spirit. This is what it is all about! 

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What better and appropriate way to end this series, around the time of Mother’s Day. A day amongst all the other days in the year to celebrate you and all you do for those around you. To all you beautiful, extraordinary ladies I have been inspired by and mentioned in this series who have blessed my life in ways I cannot count, I pay tribute to you all and want you to know how much you are loved and appreciated. Know also that you have forever changed and influenced my life in a grand way. Forever will I be thankful for all you have taught, directly, or indirectly, by inspiring me to be better than what I am. What I can say for sure is that my life certainly would not be the same without you all in it!

Inspirational Women in My Life, Part 2

Last time, I began to tell you about the most influential and greatest women my life has been blessed with. For myself, I can definitely say it has been rewarding as well as enlightening to recollect the major things I have learnt so far. I sincerely hope you all have been (and will be) able to take something from the wise lessons I have learnt along the way. Many thanks to you all who have given me feedback and all your messages of support. I am so pleased you have all been inspired muchly!

Since I was born, I was fortunate to have another very incredible woman alongside my mum who taught me plenty of lessons I carry with me up until today. Whenever I spend time with her I found to be always motivated, learn much and gain a lot of valuable insight into life – physically and especially spiritually. My grandmother has always been a role model to me, a wise teacher, healer and a spiritual mentor throughout all the years of my life. One of the most true Christian people I know, my gran has always been a great inspiration to me. Sadly, for the past ten years, she has been living in another town far away on the other end of the country. She is missed every day. It has been a goal of mine for a very many years to go up and visit her but unfortunately this has not been possible yet. Hoping this year that it will become a reality, should I manage to get the means to and finances for it. Like I say many times, time can quickly run away with us, and so we need to make time for our loved ones while we can, in any way we can.

There are so many wisdoms I have treasured since young which my gran has taught me but I would say the most significant of these were those on life and the example she set for good, honest, Godly living. Her selfless giving and care for others in general always stood out for me. My gran was always there for us or others, always generously gave of her time and whatever resources she could spare. The ultimate sacrifice was ten years ago when she gave up basically all she owned to move away from the coast, move in and assist with looking after my uncle’s family when my aunt had had cancer at the time. This taught me the true meaning of sacrifice, selflessness as well as serving and loving others. Through this very valuable lesson, I also learnt from her that what you sow, that you will also reap. Also known as the law of karma, that whatever you give out, it will come back to you multiplied. Do good, be good, and live good lives. Be a blessing to others when you have the opportunity. Give selflessly, cheerfully, honestly. Give what you can, when you can – in turn, when it is you who is in a predicament, you will find that others will be there for you as well. God blesses those who look after others and give of themselves. It always comes back to you, no matter what you give out. Something I noticed throughout my life, is that my gran never went without, and just as she always reiterated “God will provide”, so it had been always!

Another much-loved value learnt from my dear grandmother, has to be that of the miracle of creation, the diversity and beauty of all things, including all human beings. Our long walks through the gardens at home where she and my great grandmother (my grandmother’s mum) lived, or our outings to the various beaches down the coast and other places we went; provided a perfect environment for an outdoor classroom in nature, teaching us much on this subject. One of my gran and great gran’s pride and joy was their garden of an array of a stunning assortment of many flowers, and through the terraced gardens we explored many times. Our frequent trips to the beaches near and far down from where they resided, also enabled us to see many diverse places, and sea life, as we explored each destination in its fullness. There was even a beach my gran took us to which had a small cove where millions of tiny little sea shells collected. The variety and uniqueness of these ranged vastly, and so through teachings at times such as these, she taught us to appreciate everything and everyone all around us – each being and creation a special individual and marvelous design. Each one of us is precious in our own way I learned, do not ever let anyone ever tell you any different. You have a very important part to play in life and have your own extraordinary place in this life, just as everything else does in creation. We are all one, all in this together. And each of us have just as much a right to live and be happy as the next person.

Up until midway through high school, my great grandmother also played a very crucial part in my life. We used to go visit her with my family for weekends or holidays up until she got quite old and my grandmother moved in to take care of her. Then we got to visit with both of them every time we went by. I remember the awesome English Breakfasts, the fabulous Sunday lunches and let’s not forget the deliciously mouth-watering baked goods! Everything was always so scrumptiously home cooked and full of healthy goodness. One of my favourite places to be, was at my great gran’s feet or by her side on the couch, overlooking the broad sea view and valley with its river which wound its way to the beach some distance away. The same river which came past the bottom of her massive  garden which terraced down towards it, away from her big house on the hill overlooking this magnificent view. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to all her tales of the old days when she used to live in England, or when she paged through the old photo albums telling me much of our family history, and all her many wise lessons on life. Sadly this only lasted up until high school until she passed. My other grandmother passed away long before I was born and has been unfortunate not to have gotten to know her. According to my mum, she was just like my gran and I would have learnt a lot from her as well. But the stories of her live on, and I find great inspiration and strength in hearing them, although she may not be here physically, she lives on in spirit. We remember them always, with fondness, joy and much love.

Well that is all for now, else I could go on forever reminiscing. I will be posting my next post (and last in this series) next week. Please feel free to share your own motivating stories with the rest of us, so we too could be enlightened by the lessons you have learned. Until next time; keep smiling, keep focused on your self-worth and the value of those you are blessed with. Let’s not forget those who have been there for you through your life who supported you, have always lifted you to new heights, successes and cared for you greatly. Make the time. Learn from them what you can, before it is too late.

Inspirational Women in My Life, Part 1

This past week, in my quiet time of reflection and meditation in the mornings, I have been reading up on some significant ways to improve our relationships with others and on how to appreciate the ones you have been blessed with. The author spoke of the most influential women present in his life since childhood and how he had been forever changed by the wisdom, life lessons and inspiration he had received from each of them. This got me to thinking about those wonderful women who have changed mine. The next few posts are dedicated to each one of you. You have all made an enormous impact on my life and I have learned much through all our adventures together this far. So I decided I need to share some of these teachings with you, hoping they make some sort of impact on your life. If not as big as mine, hopefully in some other profound and inspirational way!

When there is so much you can learn from someone, and it being an ongoing process, it becomes difficult to find a starting point to tell of all the lessons you have learnt along the way. This beautiful woman has been my mentor from a very young age, a close friend, teacher, life coach and voice of reason. She is also the strongest person I know, and has brought myself and my siblings through a great deal of hurt and difficulties faced through all our years growing up. She has sacrificed much. She has gone without so that we could have. So much troubles endured, but so many joys we have had … and we made it. We are closer as a family as a result. This amazing lady is my mum.

Of all the things my mum taught us, the first very prominent lesson that has always stuck in my mind is the lesson of the ‘Yesterday Today Tomorrow’ bush (species name Brunfelsia Pauciflora). When I was very young, before the age of ten, we used to have one in our garden not far from my bedroom window. The fragrant smell was marvelous and still one of my favourites to this day. If any of you know what plant I am talking about, you will know it makes three different colours of flower on one plant. A new colour blooms each day, giving it its nickname. Unlike other flowers, this plant’s flowers never last very long, just like our lives from day to day. My mum taught us that life is a lot like this…
• Yesterday is past, gone, history. There is nothing any of us can do to change what has happened before. No amount of worry, regret, guilt or stress will ever bring back those days. So forget about the bad and remember the good – in this way, you will be taking the negative and turning it into positive, all while focusing on the good things and remembering how far you have come, what you have learned and how this has strengthened and improved you for the better.
• Tomorrow may never come. The thing about life is that we never know what is coming next. Sure you could have faith and positivity as big as the entire world, but no one knows when their day has come to depart this life and move on to the next. Only God decides that. There is nothing we can do to change what will happen next, what events will emerge, or which people will enter our lives, until it takes place. If this is so, why worry? There is no use burdening your mind and heart with things that have not yet come to pass – do not focus on the future.
• Today – it is all we have. And this is also a fragile hope, because we may think we have the entire day yet to live, however in an instant things could change. I learnt this lesson fifteen years ago when I was in a very bad accident, including various other adversities throughout the years that followed. All we are ever guaranteed is the here and now. We should be living our lives for today. As the famous old saying goes: Carpe Diem, meaning “seize the day”. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, we should be seizing every moment and opportunity we can to truly live, while we still have the chance.

The next lesson which is also just as important to me and a very similar message, is that God’s timing is perfect. Things will always happen when they are destined to, when you are ready, and when the time is right. I learned that “everything happens for a reason”. And it really does indeed. Most, if not all the time, we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. I can hear my mum telling me this now, and remember in the beginning I did not quite understand this lesson until I had been through it a few times. This valuable nugget of wisdom has helped me through many things once my heart finally learnt it. There is always a lesson to be learned from whatever we face (good or bad), a new direction we should be taking to lead us to where we are destined to be, certain people cut out of our lives for our own good, the right job to come our way, the right friends, circumstances, etc. The possibilities could go on and on. Remember to always trust and have faith that things will work out well – stay positive, stay focused and stay happy!

On that note, this just reminds me of the something else we were always taught. Growing up, we had a tough time getting by. Living through our parents being divorced at a very young age and my mum struggling to make ends meet, whatever food, clothing and any other opportunities came our way; my mum taught us the value of appreciation and gratitude for all we had. There is always something to be grateful and happy about. No matter what our circumstances, we are always blessed and fortunate in ways others in this world aren't. Even if it is to be alive, that is at least one blessing to count. We will never be happy until we decide to be, if we can just look at what we have and see we have a lot more going for us than a lot of those unfortunate out there.

Going through tremendous bouts of depression during school, caused due to many factors I had to face growing up, my self-esteem and confidence took a very hard knock. I could not see a way out plenty of days I faced this affliction. It was something I carried into my adulthood and finally overcome, but it all started with these wise words I was taught: “You are unique and one of a kind. You are special and have a very important role to play in life. You have a destiny to fulfill, a reason for living, a purpose divinely set out for your life.” My mum taught me these things since I was in high school, and although I couldn't see it at the time, I can clearly now that I am older. We are all equal, no matter what you look like, what gender, race, orientation, likes/dislikes, and everything about you – it does not change the fact that each of us are special and alive for a reason. Remember that if ever you feel like giving up. No-one can be you except for you. Why would you want to be anybody else, or please anybody else, when you are one of a kind!

Of course there are many more virtuous morals and values and I have taken to heart but to speak of all of these, I would have to write a many more posts! Next time, I will be sharing some more wise lessons learned from some more inspirational women I am blessed to know. Have a beautiful week and remember to count your blessings!

How to Survive a Break-up

If you know me and what has been happening in my life recently, you will know some of the relationship issues I have had to face for the last two years. Through all of the experiences I have had during this time and the years before, I learned a lot which have enlightened my heart and mind when it comes to love and life. Today I would like to share seven wise lessons I learnt to surviving breakups, in the hopes that they may assist with your own healing if you may be going through a similar situation, now or in the future…

Don’t blame yourself when you’re not at fault

Some of you who I know personally or have been following my blog since the beginning, may remember the unpleasant relationship I had got caught up in the year before last. I have spoken of it scarcely here, but my close friends and family will all know the story. It was a cutting situation which left me broken, emotionally wounded, and mentally scarred. The worst part of this was that as I started recovering I noted that I was beginning to blame myself for a lot of things. Eventually though, after hearing how worthless you are and being made to feel unwanted and unlovable, it is so easy to start believing it. Those of you who have not endured this will perhaps not understand what it is like, and I hope you never have to. Luckily my experience with this was short-lived. Coupled with the amazing support from my loved ones and me having learnt the lesson before in my life, I finally learnt once and for all that you should never blame yourself for the mistakes and indecency of other people. Everyone is to answer for their own shortcomings and if that person has hurt, betrayed, deceived or lied to you, then it is on them. There is no excuse for bad behaviour!

Forgiveness is crucial for your own well-being

It was a tough few months of recovery after that ordeal, followed by saying goodbye to a close friend, who I thought was true. At the time I was also working in an abusive unfriendly environment in the previous company I was employed by, then months later ended up in a relationship I did not want to be in in the beginning. I should have followed my intuition, and remained focused on where I wanted to be and who I wanted by my side, instead of ending up with someone who was like the majority of those out there. Yet, I gave it a chance as I was told it ‘would be different this time’. I believed it, but was so wrong. And so, I was hurt all over again. However, I made it through, learned to let go and became even wiser on the lesson of forgiveness. Holding on to unpleasant feelings or past hurts only entraps us in a prison full of grief, while the other person feels no effect. Forgiveness is all about you, and letting yourself free. Escape from feeling any negative thing, and be happy. There are so many things that one can be joyful about and so much we are blessed with, including all those people who still love you and who never do leave your side.

Guard your heart but guard it from turning to stone

Before my last very short-lived relationship and after breaking my friendship off with a false friend, I struggled for a while with this. One evening when chatting with a friend, a huge misunderstanding ended up with him getting hurt in the process by me snapping back. I quickly recognised that my heart had turned cold and hard as stone. Walls had been built around my heart to guard it and I wanted to make sure it could not be broken again. I wanted to be safe. I decided this would not do if it meant those I cared about were affected by this condition too; so I focused my attention on the correct people. I recovered through the love, strength, support and care they all poured out into my life… and healed. And then I met him. It seemed I had met the right person at last. After the first few weeks learning quickly of the things going on behind my back and hurtful things being said all over, I feared I may be thrown back to that place of despair again, ruining all my progress thus far in getting over past sufferings. Thankfully I did not, I was prepared this time and it became much easier to let go. Even if it was not me who let go first. It is too easy to allow our hearts not to care anymore and not worth it letting your personality become compromised just because some people selfishly hurt you. In the end they walk away without a conscience and you are the one who is left broken. Be strong, and keep your heart open to those beautiful souls you are blessed with.

Learn to let go, but don't lose the lesson

Although it may seem the end of the world when a breakup befalls you, you need to remember that as the bad or unnecessary is removed from your life, that it only makes room for wonderful things and new people to enter in. This also means you have to be more careful the next time and learn from what you went through. Remember, it is all for a reason. There is always a lesson to be learnt, even if we do not see it at first. Many times after a breakup, I found myself being my own enemy by tormenting myself with overthinking the situation, as well as letting the despair and sadness get to me. We have to let it go: anything that does not bring us happiness so that we can live free, happy lives. In the end, I managed to learn something useful. The trick is to let go and trust that all will be well, to focus on what is truly important in your life, and to stop worrying over things beyond your control. The reality is, you cannot control anything that comes your way, but we can chose how we react to it and what our attitudes are in response to what takes place. Although it is never good nor is it pleasant going through tough situations, if you can learn something, improve yourself and become stronger through it, then you can always turn a negative into something positive. Sometimes it just takes a little longer. If you keep an attitude of faith and positivity, you can’t go wrong.

Focus on those who never left

After I let go of the people who were causing me harm in my life, the realisation hit me Valentine’s Day last year. If you have not yet read my blog post on this, please do! This may be one of the most profound things I learned through all these difficult times. Finally learning that to help us through any break-up, the focus should not be on the one who left but rather on those who are still there. Of what help will it be fretting over those who don’t even bother about you, and so easily leave your side? Before you end up running after people who clearly do not care as much as you, remember the ones who do. They could so easily be taken from this life before you enjoy as much time as you want with them. I learned this a few years ago when a friend passed away after months of us continually postponing our time spent catching up – all because I was chasing people who don’t bother making an effort in my life. I regretted this for a very long time. Don’t let this be you. You are surrounded by those you love and who have always proven to be there for you, even though some leave. Through the support and strength they provide, you can get through any kind of heartache. That is what true friends and family are there for, we are not created nor meant to live through this life alone.

Spoil yourself, you deserve it

One of the simplest ways to be happy, is to cut out what is making you sad – anything that is bringing grief to your heart, mind and soul. Do yourself a favour by taking some time out for you, do the things you love and have a passion for. These will be all the things you really enjoy and that which truly brings you delight and satisfaction: your interests, hobbies, sports, etc. Not forgetting being around people who contribute to your happiness and share in your joy. Go shopping and do a little retail therapy, go out to lunch/dinner with friends, watch a movie or go somewhere in nature. For myself, I find writing or yoga works well, playing a computer game to get my mind off things, or putting my earphones in and listening to my favourite happy music – even dancing, it is good for the soul! Going to the beach or to a nature reserve (there are three close by to my apartment) I find quite relaxing, soothing and inspiring. It is good for the soul to surround yourself with peace and harmony, and anything that brings happiness to your soul. Treat yourself and let the healing begin!

Making wiser choices, focusing on your happiness

As the old proverb goes, “happiness starts with yourself”. But what does this mean? It means the decision to be happy starts within us – we alone are responsible. Other people, passions and things can contribute happiness into our lives, but we ultimately need to decide to be. It means choosing to be grateful for what and who you have in your life, not wanting more (there are many who have far less) or want for anyone else other than your partner you are destined to be with at that moment in time. It means enjoying my day in spite of what is happening around me, that I will enjoy this day because I am alive, I am free and blessed – despite my circumstances – and no matter what, I know who I am, what I want, and that there is a better plan for me (those of you who believe, like I do, that it is God's timing). Hold on to the things and people of value in your life, make sure you are not throwing anyone away for the ‘next best thing’ or because you are hurting too much and building walls to protect yourself. Take care of you, but don’t let harsh words come out of your mouth and hurt those you love. Take care of their hearts too! We cannot let ourselves stoop to the same level others treat us. We must not leave a trail of broken hearts behind … for which you will be responsible alone. Make sure you are happy first and over past hurts before moving on with your life.

Sometimes you need to let go. Yes, it hurts when the things or the people we love are taken from us and removed from our lives. Make your peace with the loss. Nothing lasts forever. Like the trees in autumn, you too must learn to shed your attachments and start afresh. Take heart because every situation, both good and bad, lines your path up with the right people you need to meet along the way. Some will teach you, some will guide you, some you need to be there for a time, others will be forever. Make wiser choices the next time you meet someone and be careful for not everyone you meet is your friend nor has your best interests at heart. It is rather better to get to know somebody first, and make sure you are vigilant of letting the right individuals into your life, perhaps the right soul into your heart. You never know, you may find you have known your soulmate all along!

Setting Goals: New Year’s Resolutions, practical or not?

So here we are, at the dawn of a new year. As I look back on the previous months (my usual annual 'ritual'), I reflect on all that I have accomplished and oftentimes, all the goals that I have not yet achieved. I used to get quite despondent, and sometimes the sneaky feeling of failure crept into my mind. A few years ago, when I reached my 30’s, I realised that my list of ‘resolutions’ I once made, did not get very far to completion. Most of those on the list, did not even make it. Frustrated and at times in depression, I found myself wondering what to do that could turn things around for myself.

So I started making a list of short and long term goals, then by looking at this list often, working out what can I do to bring myself closer to them. Getting older is serious business, especially when you want to get far in life – or at the very least, get to certain milestones and successes one strives to reach. Resolutions are quite useless I have come to learn, and luckily not too late, unless we are going to make a conscious effort to stick to them. We simply cannot say, "this year I am going to do..." and then keep on repeating our resolutions and try to get around to it. No, this ends up just being words without action. We need to work out a plan and specific goals on how to get there. Break it down, step by step, and focus on them individually. Remember what I always say, about actions that speak louder than words?  Well this works entirely in all situations. We need to make sure we set all our goals, and try with all our might and try do what we possibly can to get there.

When you reach a certain age, you may find yourself looking behind, seeing how far you come and find yourself not where you ought to be or not having progressed as far as you would have wanted to. Or you may even look ahead in fear, worrying that you may not ever get there. However, there is good news! Although these things may be true, we cannot change the past. It is impossible to go back to undo one single moment, one single wrong decision or any difficult situation that has occurred. Equally, we have no power over what tomorrow may bring, we may have even left this life when that day comes. But – and this is a very big ‘but’ – we do have the choice to live in the here and now, it is all we ever are guaranteed of. You can make decisions and choices right now, to change the course of your future. You can ultimately write your own story for the coming days ahead.

Certainly, bad days will come. Stressful periods and circumstances will rise up against you in apparent defeat. People will come and go, good times will pass, but only for a time. Everything in this life is temporary. Although some things may last, such as true love, friendship, family and other blessings – not everything stays constant. Just please, whatever you do, do not give up and do not despair! Do not for one minute think that things will not change for the better – because they do. It is all in your attitude and the way you handle what comes your way, that determines how you fare through those rough stormy seas. Stay positive, stay focused and keep working at how to get through what you are facing and keep working towards your goals. Even if one by one, working down your list of goals, will get you there eventually.

If it so happens you find yourself at the end of the year and looking at your goals for the past year and find yourself feeling down because you have not achieved all you want, you will at least still have made progress. Make another list, start the new year with the same enthusiasm, positivity and joy – knowing you will work at the next lot of goals (even if some of them are from the year previously) – and keep moving forward. Don't stand still. You can do it!

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 5 - Love

Through the past several weeks, we have been looking at some of the significant points to build happy, successful relationships. Today we look at the final installment for the first part of this series, which looks at one of the most important traits we should ensure to nourish, primarily in all our personal relationships with our friends, family and partners. Quite appropriate too, with this falling on Christmas – a time to give and share love with all those people that mean so much to us. This is something we need to place a lot of focus on, because without love, our relationships are meaningless. Love needs to be our firm foundation!

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Love

I am sure most of you have heard the famous scripture on love: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, it never gives up, it never ends" (taken from the Christian Bible, 1 Corinthians 13). What I like about this scripture is that it teaches us the universal laws of love. It is an exact representation of how real, true love should exist in our lives. Anyone from all walks of life will read it and relate, no matter what age, gender, race or belief.

If we truly love someone, it will show not just in our words, but our actions as well. I cannot reiterate this enough. You will not doubt the love someone has for you if what they say and what they show you matches up. We will want the best for them, want for their happiness, want to share our lives and share experiences with them, and take a vested interest in them, including paying attention to details of their lives – their passions, loves, wants, and needs. Something that inspired me  taught to me by my mum, grandmother and certain friends, is that when you find someone like this who you find a happy place with, do not let them go because people like that are hard to find.

In many failed romantic relationships, we often hear of how one or both people “fall out of love” some time before the break-up, and this can cause a myriad of other problems along the way. Sure, the feelings of being in love can be carried through the relationship if you work at it enough and find ways to be happy (the trick is to be happy yourself first), but it will not necessarily stay the same. This is because relationships evolve and grow much deeper as the days go by, love grows as well as acceptance and the bonds of friendship shared. You start off with being in love, and eventually grow and come to love that person – a much more mature and surely meaningful sense of love. Also why you will find a break up of a relationship of a few weeks to a month is far easier to go through, than one of a few months to years on. The same philosophy would apply with friendships as well.

Once you really get to know one another, you get to learn a lot of other things about them, and some may not seem very lovable. The point is, will you be mature enough to learn to love them as they are, with all you have and completely? Or will you let the few minor things or your own judgements get in the way of what could be a truly rewarding relationship? Don’t fall into the trap of letting go of something potentially special because of minor things. None of us are perfect at the end of the day, and unless you are being shallow because you have your sights set on someone else because you are not willing to actually work at making it work, betrayed that person, or have cheated them, then you must at least try your best. Forgetting and losing sight of why we fell in love in the first place and all the things which attracted us to each other in the beginning (romantic relations), or the reasons why we became friends once upon a time should not happen – ever. Do not let the stresses in life, past issues or hurts, hang-ups with self, petty arguments, or assumptions of any kind get in the way because true love does not come around much in life, except maybe a couple of times, and decent people are truly difficult to come by these days.

I have said goodbye to a few people, some of their own accord, and I can definitely say I have never been happier. Any normal decent person will not destroy love, hope, faith or trust in others and it is always better to let them go, rather than be dragged down causing you untold misery and sadness. It does not matter who it is, if they are hurting you – let them go! You are worth much more than to have people in your life that don’t really love you and cause you grief. As hard as that may sound, we need to do this, because often God makes room for the right people by removing those who are wrong for you. It is all for your good at the end of the day, even if we cannot see it at the time. I have seen this happen with family, friends, partners, and business relationships in my lifetime already. Yet afterward I have seen how much better off we are when these toxic situations are purged from our lives. None of us deserve to suffer going through them.

Stay committed, stay faithful, loyal and true always. Focus on loving those you are gifted with. You have been blessed with them for a reason! If we fail to recognise and appreciate those special souls, guaranteed someone else will. But at what cost? We are accountable and responsible for any hurt we place on others, and the karma which comes back, is multiplied as well. So be careful to guard all those you have been blessed with, for their sake as well as your own. Each soul is precious, including your own. Remember that. 

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If we have all these key features in our relationships, we can weather the proverbial storms of life together and be safe and secure in the relationships we have built with those precious to us. Always hold on to love, it is one of the best things in life! A blessed gift which does not come around often. If there is something problematic interfering and holding you back, always work on resolving things first and repairing what you can instead of throwing it away.

Wishing you all a very blessed Christmas, it is a time all about sharing and showing how much you love. May you be truly happy all your days to come, surrounded by love and good people who are right for you. And so on that note, I am taking a moment to share love with you special people that mean so much to me and let you all know how you have enriched and added value to my life. You are all special and amazing in your own right, and all close to my heart always. Wishing you all a beautiful, exciting and amazing year ahead. Merry Christmas and have an awesome New Year! 

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 4 - Intimacy and Affection

This week which has passed has marked a one year anniversary of my blog. So much has happened, but yet I still ponder on where has the year gone? Just another example of what I always say: to take advantage of today while you can. Appreciate, value and love those you care about, before it is too late. You may, such as now, wipe your eyes and see the year has gone with no sense of time as if stepping through a time warp months into the future.

But, ask yourself something: what are you doing to improve your relationships with those you love, and are you making the days count? If not, what can you do to make things better between yourself and the beautiful souls you have been blessed with in your life right now? Are you making the most of them and spending as much time as you possibly can? Be careful if you have been neglecting or taking too much time focusing on the wrong things, wrong people and perhaps been a little too selfish with your time. In a second, they could be taken away from you - so make every moment of precious value.

Let us look at the next important aspect to nurture in our relationships, which we all need to give and receive - a generous measure of intimacy and affection to those around us. We are all human, and this is one very beneficial, vital and essential ingredient to healthy living for our souls and hearts...

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Intimacy and Affection

Contrary to what some believe, intimacy and affection is always crucial in a relationship (barring professional ones, in which case, this point is null and void... obviously). This should always be present in the beginning, for the duration, and right until the end of a relationship. The fire of passion for romantic relationships and the strong bonds of friendship should never wilt or even cease to exist. If there is lacking, then there is something seriously wrong, as my partner had wisely pointed out many times whilst observing romantic relationships. Also, it could signal something far more dangerous such as guilt on something that has happened unawares, some other underlying problem, interest in someone else, or even cheating - depending on the type of relationship. 

Be aware too, of being distant and be careful of the tone you use and manner in which you speak to those in your life you care for. Too easily we could let abrupt words slip by accident, thereby hurting and damaging someone's heart. Protect and watch out for each other at all times, while having the humility and decency to show you truly care by apologising and admitting to your own fault should the chance come by that you hurt someone unintentionally. I say unintentionally here, because normally this is the case. No normal person goes around hurting, neglecting and damaging the hearts of those they love. And if you do, something is very wrong, self evaluation urgently needed and necessary steps taken to rectify the situation. 

It is also awesome to have your own space, to have time to yourself. However, always keep in mind that you are in fact “building a relationship” with the other person (no matter whether it be family, friends, romantic, etc), so too much of this can also lead to problems down the line, doubts and fears to surface so find a good balance between the two. Lack of romance or romantic laziness as is also called, is also not an option in any romantic relationship - every single relation you have with those around you requires a measure of work and effort. Remember the analogy I used last time of it being a one-way street traveled by both people in the same direction supporting each other? When romance/intimacy/affection dies off, and you have to struggle and fight for it, then the relationship clearly needs reparation. Without these crucial elements, your relationship withers and dies. Keep in mind you should be nourishing the bonds with these people, building them up, getting to know them and contribute to their happiness by your care and support. Just as the body needs food and drink to survive and be sustained, so our souls, heart and minds need intimacy and affection for the same. 

Through the years, many psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and scientists have conducted experiments to show what impact affection has upon living things. Tests such as these have included animals, plants and even people. I have recently read about one such psychologist named Harry Harlow, as well as behaviorist John B. Watson who conducted such tests on humans. While many experts at the time denied the importance of love and affection, Harlow’s experiments offered irrefutable proof that love is vital for normal human development. Additional experiments by Harlow revealed the long-term devastation caused by deprivation, leading to profound psychological and emotional distress and even death. Yet Harlow's enduring legacy reinforced the importance of emotional support, affection, and love in the development of all people. The results they found with animals as well as even plants, all proved the same. 

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Hoping that you all have been inspired and found some valuable insight from this series so far, as well as all my posts this year. Next week we will be looking at the final part of the first half of this series, and after Christmas I will continue with the second half and the last five parts. Until then, enjoy the time with your loved ones you have been blessed with, treasure and appreciate them with all your heart - for today is all we are ever guaranteed of!

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 3 - Trust / Respect

During the past few weeks we started looking at two of five of the most important aspects for having healthy and fulfilling relationships with each other. Today we are looking at another very significant attribute which is most highly valued. With all relationships in life, as it grows you begin to trust and respect each other more and more as time goes on. However, after building these virtues over a period of time - sometimes a vast one depending on how long you know the person - is very easy to destroy in an instant. These are particularly very delicate values, so be aware to handle with care!

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Trust / Respect

You cannot trust someone whom you do not respect, nor can you respect one you do not trust. So, both trust and respect go hand in hand. Exceptionally vital to our relationships with others, these qualities are built up over a period of time, and do not just magically exist. Hence why in the beginning of a relationship (of any form), this is the time which is most sensitive and fragile. But no matter at which stage you are in your relationship with the other person, both could be lost in an instant if broken. So look after your relationships with those you love, it is not all about yourelf, but both of you.

Similarly, if you truly love and care about those in your life, you will endeavour to build these things with them. No relationship just happens - as with anything worthwhile in life - it takes commitment, work, patience and perseverance to form. Also, if there is lack of these qualities, we need to look at what we can do to assist and support each other to regain it back. This goes for fears and insecurities too. You should be helping one other bear these and overcome them. No relationship has room for selfishness and both parties need to work at this.

We have heard the old saying, "Any relationship is a two-way street". Rather, it is a one-way street, where both people travel in the same direction, side by side, supporting and helping each other, each working at their part. In this way, we can reach any point in our lives whilst having a healthy relationship which does not fail and is supportive in every way.

Also look out for the things which destroy trust, respect and other good qualities in your relationships. These things include:

• Dishonesty or any form of lies
• Speaking badly of their friends or family, or gossiping
• Humiliation or making fun of them in front of others (there is a fine line between joking and humiliation, so please be careful with this)
• Not taking their views, feelings and personalities into account, when it comes to anything
• Picking on insecurities / flaws / behavioural habits
• Cheating in whatever form, especially in romantic relationships. Any kind of intimate and romantic betrayal with someone else other than your partner - is still cheating! This includes flirting, seeing other people behind their back, intentions of hooking up with someone, and kissing someone else (still cheating, no matter what you may say) 

I could go on, but I think I have pretty much covered the major stuff.

Something to ponder on: How you treat others, how you speak to them, what you say and do (behind their back or in front of them), the way you care or not for them, if you show them affection or attention, etc. - is not a statement about that person. If someone is nasty to you or treats you wrong, it says nothing of them, but a lot about you.

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The relationships we have been blessed with in life, are so precious and a priceless gift. Yet so many people are careless with others' hearts and feelings. We should be building each other up, encouraging, supporting, and loving them. We should be showing them they are beautiful, that they are accepted, that they are so loved! Otherwise our words are meaningless.

We cannot expect others just to know how we feel, we should be showing them that what we say and do match up. No wishy-washy efforts are acceptable in healthy relationships. They should be authentic. They should be real. We should be real - and upfront. No assuming. This is how we build trust and love ... respect is then returned to us, along with so much more, fulfilling the law of attraction in our lives.

What Makes or Breaks Relationships, Part 2 - Communication

Last time we started looking at the five most important aspects we need in our relationships which make them successful and keep them strong. After a past busy couple of weeks, I am proud to bring you the second installment of this series, so sit back with a cup of coffee, tea, your favourite beverage (or a glass of wine!) and enjoy the read...

Building, maintaining and keeping relationships strong, is pretty much like building a house. First you need a strong foundation, four pillars/cornerstones, four walls and a roof to make it complete. We have begun with one of the four pillars last time ('Honesty'). Next, the other three pillars ('Communication', 'Trust/Respect', 'Intimacy and Affection') and lastly we will go into 'Love', being our most important feature and most-needed for a strong foundation.

As mentioned last time, we will be exploring deeper into this subject afterward, first by looking at the 4 walls which hold the foundations of our relationship together ('Commitment/Loyalty', 'Friendship', 'Freedom', 'Patience'); and finally ending off with the metaphorical roof of this house ('Compromise & Understanding').

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Communication

This is a very significant feature we all need to remember to keep going with each another. By being quiet about something that is weighing on your heart or troubling your mind (be it either in fear of how the other person will respond, to keep the peace so to avoid an argument, or because you are ashamed/embarrassed about a specific something), it can be very dangerous and detrimental to the bond you share. Like a festering sore, whatever is unresolved or not made known between both of you will get greater as time goes on, until the problem becomes full-blown and out of control or enormously challenging to patch-up. And sometimes it could never be the same again.

Communicating is best done in person, from what I have learned in my own life. I have often heard advice about writing a letter to someone you love or care about, if you battle to express yourself and explain how you feel. Truth be told, this may very well be a brilliant idea but the problem lies in how the other person takes what you are saying and translates it in their own tone, which is based on what their current condition of where their heart and mind are. If that person is in a bad place, or the wrong mood, this could end up disastrous. In my own experience, I have had far too many misunderstandings with my own loved ones because of this very fact! But once speaking in person, literally every time, the matter was resolved because they (or I) have received the communication in the correct way. So hearing it from your own voice, would be the best approach - even if this means you have to read what you have written. Same goes for emailing, texting, and social media (unless of course you made a voice or video recording that is, it all just depends). :)

One important fact we all need to keep in mind, is regarding involving others in your relationship issues instead of your partner/friend/family member/etc. This breeds even more problems than what there are originally. So in fact, a small matter may grow to be a much larger one, all because we did not keep to resolving with the person involved first. Not to mention you will have dragged other people into the biased views of your side of the matter at hand, and thus causing unnecessary stress for all involved. Yes, there may be times where you think to see things clearly and know what is right and wrong. However, there will almost always be something said or done on your part that also contributed to the miscommunication and argument, so always try and see both sides and keep communicating! The only time we should be bringing other people into it, is if you’re getting counselling together because you both want healing to begin and need the aid of someone else as last resort.

Find the fault together, talk it through, forgive and move on with a clear solution to assist each other for the next time something similar may occur. And always keep in mind, honesty and communication go hand in hand. Always make sure you are moving forward – not backwards and not standing still. We are to grow together, not grow apart.

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Remember that in a relationship of any kind, if you truly care about the other person; there should be no secrets, no lies and no broken promises. There will be commitment - to each other, to brighten each others' lives, and to support each other in everything. This fact is based not only on honesty (which is what we discussed last time), but also in that we need to always be communicating with each other and thereby building up a strong bond of trust, which then in turn earns respect and brings us closer together (intimacy, affection and love). So in all of these aspects in building good relationships, each of these things depends on all the others for it to stand strong - just the same way the foundation, walls, pillars and roof of a house all support each other to stand strong and weather the storms in life.

So lets be true, communicate, open our hearts and be open to those we are blessed with. You never know when they will be taken away from you and you will never have that chance again.